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Hitman TyTy

Ya’ll know I love my urban legends. When I go outta town I love to try to blend in at local hangouts and see if my ear catches a good story that I can pass on to the world. I was in Far Rockaway Queens and heard a gem I had to share.

This is the story of Hitman TyTy.

For the first 7 years of his life TyTy had a pretty typical upbringing. He was raised by a single mother but she made sure he ain’t go without. She played sports with him, kept his head in the books, danced with him, everything she could do to make sure he was a well rounded kid. Once TyTy turned 8 he got hit with two shockers:

1. He was about to become a big brother

2. He found out he was growing at a faster rate than his peers.

TyTy was so excited to become a big brother that once his little brother Q was born he vowed to protect him at all costs.

TyTy was so protective of Q, that if Q got in trouble they mother would tell TyTy “Sheeiitt you better talk to him before EYE have to”.

When Q began going to school, he had some bullies who picked on him for being too clean cut. You know bullies are so pitiful they just find a reason to pick on you even if it’s because your pants are always creased and you keep a collared shirt.

Once Q told TyTy, he would roll up on em and check em. But 13 year old TyTy wasn’t the type to just beat up a 5 year old for picking on his brother. He believed in equal street justice. He would tell em “YO, go get your older brother, cousin, young Uncle, or WHOEVER, to come get this asswhoopin you signed up for…. You got 30 mins.” And TyTy would straight up play action figures, Pokemon cards or whatever with Q until the bully showed up with an opponent.

At 13 TyTy stood about 6ft even, 180 all muscle. MF was built like 2Pac’s Hologram. So he obviously had no problem dusting off his opponent.

Knowing that TyTy was completely capable of distributing a fade to people’s big brothers, cousins, or Uncle’s, Q started just picking fights with random children around Far Rockaway cause he KNEW his action figure built brother TyTy would handle it with ease.

After a good 15-0 record, the only children or big brothers of Far Rockaway would approach Q inquiring about his brothers services. Q started charging em $10 a profit and made BANK!

While TyTy was busy knocking mfs out he felt this void in his life. He would be mentally empty during his fights. Could you imagine getting the Sonic rings knocked outta yo ass by a nigga with a straight face? That does damage to your self esteem. He is unfazed by whoopin yo ass. All these fades he distributed earned him the name “Hitman TyTy”.

The void missing from Hitman TyTy’s life was something he picked up from his mother,before Q came along…. TyTy wanted to dance.

TyTy was an EXCELLENT dancer. And he became emotionally numb because nobody ever asked “Aye TyTy, bust a move for me real quick.” They always said “TyTy I got another mf you need to dust off.” He felt like people just hooked him up to a console and said “Down down forward forward punch.” He needed someone to care.

One day after easily knocking an opponent out for his brother, TyTy had extra energy built up that he needed to let out. So he went to the alley and started doing his favorite dance routine, “If it isn’t love” by New Edition. While he was busting the illest moves that Far Rockaway had NEVER seen, a dude named Eddie Moore happened to walk by and see these moves. Mr. Moore told 17 year old TyTy, “when you’re looking at colleges your senior year, keep Virginia State University in mind, we could use someone like you to liven the events.”

TyTy initially ignored Mr. Moore. Instead, he decided to get into some underground dance battles while he wasn’t knocking MFs nuts in the sand. See, the problem was, out in the open, TyTy had all the dance moves for any MF who wanted smoke. But most of these dance battles were held in small basements and TyTy’s 6’4 235lb frame would just knock shit over and scrape his knuckles when he did hard turns and shit. He couldn’t live up to his full potential in these basements.

At one battle TyTy was participating in, TyTy was completely murdering his opponent. But, he hit a 720 degree spin and wound up slapping the shit outta 6 people in,the audience. One member of the audience included Mr. Moore. Fortunately for TyTy, Mr. Moore was more impressed than bruised and explained to TyTy that if he brought his talents to VSU, not only would he have all the open space on the yard to hit any degree spin he wished, he would also have choreographical immunity on anyone he accidentally slapped. This was very tempting but TyTy didn’t wanna leave his mom and Q and go all the way to Petersburg VA.

One night TyTy’s mama was peeking in his room while he was saying his prayers before he went to sleep. TyTy said “Dear Lord, please bless my little brother Q and his friends, and please, please, please, let their opponents ask for a dance battle instead so I can show off my new moves instead of knocking them suckas out. Amen son.” TyTy’s mother heard this and was instantly moved to tears. Her son put protecting his brother and his friends against his own dreams. She had to protect her oldest boys dreams and told him that, his brother would always be protected by his prayers, but now it’s time for TyTy to live out his dreams. Q was now big enough to carry the fade load from TyTy.

TyTy, listened. And reluctantly he moved to Petersburg. Initially, he was afraid to break his NY moves off to the city of Petersburg, but after awhile he had created quite the name for himself on the dancing scene. Hitman TyTy had now become “TippyToe Ty.”. And any event that went down on VSU’s campus, please believe TippyToe Ty was in the building shutting it down with his moves.

It’s been a few years since the days of Hitman TyTy, but I hear that TippyToe Ty now works at a school counseling the underprivileged youth to not bully their peers. But he always still finds a way to stop the current bullies in their tracks while showing a group of them what HE used to do bullies and their older brothers, cousins and, Uncles, back in the day. His teaching methods have reportedly, lowered the bullying rate…. All while he busts the ILLEST move…. I don’t know TippyToe Ty, but I wouldn’t try to serve him in a rap battle either.


Tedronicus Bela5000 Pt. 2

“Master Bela5000”, said Facebookie.  “If I had to judge your performance on the message you sent Princess Taroro I would give you 10 out of 10 stars, stand up job.”

“Ok Niglax”, said Bela5000. “Stop acting like a Grammoid and give me your opinion just give it to me straight.”

“Well excuse the Shatner out of me, I was going to say that you laid your game quite flat. And even though now I wish otherwise because you decided to be a jerk, she responded quite gracefully to your shot. She has sent her communication number and has requested a time and place for you two to meet up in the near future.”

Tedronicus was hype, but played it cool for his droids. He jump started the communication with Taroro, and found out that they actually shared a lot in common. Eventually, Tedronicus and Taroro decided to meet up in a neutral planet Downtown that was conveniently placed between the Educational Galaxy and the Hoodustrious Galaxy. The meet up went smooth, spent over Margaritians and Tacos.

After a few Margaritians, Tedronicus became bold enough to ask if more meet ups lied ahead in their future. Taroro replied with a subtle, “Oh yea.”. Tedronicus, being the overthinker that he is, decided not to pursue this venture because he was simply, unsure. And, coming from a Scorpion background, Tedronicus required assurance.

Low and behold, Taroro contacted him for another venture. She told him to pick the place. Not being familiar with many hangout spots in the area he suggested a local bar that he frequents on the PregoTrim Nebula called “The Wild Zinnia Cafe”. Tedronicus goes to this bar, but he makes sure to keep a low profile. See, the problem with Wild Zinnia is that many of the regulars there are from the Red Hatted MAGAnite species. The problem with MAGAnites is that they have this strange allergic reaction to a pheromone that secretes from melanin. Scientifically, it can’t be explained, but it has something to do with a command from the MAGAnite leader.

The regular MAGAnites at Wild Zinnia have forcefully tolerated the melanin secretions of Tedronicus, but he was fearful of how they would react to the new, unfamiliar secretions of Princess Taroro’s melanin. To Tedronicus’ surprise, The MAGAnites tolerated  Taroro’s melanin as well! What Tedronicus later found out was that Princess Taroro, much like him, had the ability to adapt to different situations, unlike some people that he had visited the Wild Zinnia with, whom, with a certain triggering look from MAGAnites would threaten to “Air this bitchnoid out”.  Taroro being adaptable, meant that she could make friends in ANY situation, and she did no different with the Red Hatted MAGAnites.

Tedronicus was smitten with how well Princess Taroro stole the hearts of those MAGAnites. They sung Karaoke and received standing ovations. They took the dance floor over, they shut the bitchnoid DOWN! Tedronicus and Princess Taroro started hanging out more frequently and he was just completely enamored at how thorough her adaptability was. It completely surpassed his.

Soon, the Valentine’s Moon was set to orbit the Planet of Boygetout and Tedronicus wanted Taroro to celebrate it with him. She was with it because their previous interactions had been so great. Tedronicus wanted to do something out of the ordinary to celebrate so he suggested going to The Southside of the Galaxy to visit the hypest strip club in the area, “The Milky Way”. They drank on the sweet nectar of Heinekrizz and made a Geomagnetic Storm with all the dollar bills they threw up in the sky. I mean, between the storm and how they made the turn up coagulate, they was the life of the party. Which is hard to do in a strip club, let alone The Milky Way. Between the Southside Socialites and The Deathstick dealers, they had big shoes to fill but they filled them bitchnoids.

Shit was lit…..

 


Tedronicus Bela5000

In a galaxy waaaaaayyyyy the f*ck outchea on the planet Boygetout, lived a young man named Tedronicus Bela5000. Tedronicus was a simple terrestrial who spent most of his time teaching misfit youths how to perform in the regular society at a School called The Boygetout Institute & Training Center for Hopefuls. B.I.T.C.H as the locals refer to it. When Tedronicus wasn’t teaching, he was spending time with his son, JoJovian. Tedronicus was initially complacent with his simple life on Boygetout, but he realized there was a void in his life that had yet to be filled. Tedronicus wanted a mate. His first attempts at finding a mate were made at Boygetout’s local watering holes. Tedronicus knew that these locations had little to no potential mates (because they were located on the PregoTrim Nebula) but he was still able to brush up on the game that he once had during his single phase. The PregoTrim Nebula was a dark, dark place. Once a small yet beautiful region known for inhabitants who had a vast amount of potential, the people of the PregoTrim Nebula had one weakness, the men and women were extremely fertile. Fertile, and eager to pollinate. Tedronicus had went away to college and during those 4 years, most of PregoTrim’s citizens had spread younglings far across the Nebula and their were little to no people who have remained vacant. Finding it difficult to join the ranks, Tedronicus found it hard to fight the toxins that the foliage of PregoTrim excreted, also fell victim to the youngling outbreak, which brought him his blessing of JoJovian. Tedronicus hadn’t given up hope to find a mate. Tedronicus knew he could not find a mate on his own so he enlisted the help of two droids he picked up on the a local junker planet. These droids were, Tindertron and Bumblebot. Embedded in the databases of these two droids were profiles of the single women in the PregoTrim Nebula. Having no luck initially, Tedronicus began matching with some of these inabitants and had started going on dates. Little did Tedronicus know that these matches would take him lightyears away from his comfort zone. His very first date was with a young lady named Yolandobatios from the dangerous planet of CreightonCourtreo. Tedronicus was pretty familiar with the PregoTrim Nebula but was unfamiliar with certain parts outside of Boygetout. Being a gentleman, he insisted on providing transportation for this date. The date itself went well, as he had picked up Yolandobatios while the sun was out. But he apparently dropped her off while the wrong moon was in the sky because he encountered something he was never prepared for. He pulled up to her house in CreightonCourteo and there was hundreds of inhabitants scattered across the planet that he had not seen when he picked up Yolandobatios. While they were in their car conversing, a gentleman formally known by the planet as, Blackticon had joined the hoard outside. One of Blackticon’s comrades obnoxiously yelled “Blackticon! Is that not the women you bore three children with talking to that Niglax in the car?!”. “Niglax, that is in fact, Yolandobatios, the woman that I bore three children with talking to that Niglax in the car”, responded Blackticon. “That Niglax must not know about me and what I do in CreightonCourteo, but I’ll provide an example for him!”. After Tedronicus bid Yolandobatios farewell, he quickly ejected her from his vehicle, but not before receiving a few holes in his back passenger door from Blackticon’s Neuron Blaster. Needless to say, you couldn’t pay Tedronicus to return to CreightonCourteo.

Tedronicus hadn’t fully given up on The PregoTrim Nebula, hoping that he would find a diamond in the rough. One day, while using his Tindertron droid, Tedronicus struck GOLD. He matched with ROYALTY!!! A young lady named Princess Taroro, originally from The Broadrocktion Planet. Tedronicus didn’t treat this match lightly as he was immediately enamored by her beauty and IMMEDIATELY shot his shot at her. To his surprise, his shot landed! Princess Taroro was actually interested in Tedronicus. The two had a great back and forth conversation until…… Taroro ghosted him… I mean straight left Tedronicus in the dust. Planet L Occupation: This Niglax.  However, Tedronicus, being born under the Scorpion Moon(Shut your mouth) had the ability to take dating L’s in stride. He went back to his droids, Tindertron and Bumblebot and went back to swiping left and right on them hoesars.

Fortunately, Tedronicus found some inhabitants of The PregoTrim Nebula who could at least help him have fun during the summer. Once Summer was over, Tedronicus was lonely again. One day, his most faithful and loyal droid, Facebookie, whom he carried with him whoever he went because his database held every encounted that Tedronicus went on since 2007 and had Terabytes of information that even Tedronicus wasn’t aware, was there to assist him. MasterBela5000, I think you might want to take a gander at my “People you may know” feature because it might have something you’d be interested in. The usual people he may know consisted of inhabitants with bad PH balances and horrid morals that even he was unable to cosign, but he checked anyway. To his surprise, Princess Taroro was amongst the people that he may have known. Tedronicus toyed back and forth of adding Princess Taroro to Facebookie but he eventually told the droid to send her a request and see what it do. To his surprise, the Princess accepted! Not wanting to seem eager, Tedronicus waited to see if any of his witty status updates and incredibly humorous posts would intrigue the Princess. Once a few of them did, he decided to re-rack and attempt to shoot another shot at Taroro via Facebookie. A few days later, Facebookie says, “Master 5000, you have a new message.”. Visibly annoyed by the relayed information by Facebookie that he repeatedly receives daily, Tedronicus replies “Ok Nigloid, AND?! It’s probably another chain letter from my old ass brother Quincycon Junior!”. “Quite the contrary Master Bela5000, it’s from Princess Taroro regarding your shot.”. Tedronicus, reluctant to catch another L, commands Facebookie to open the letter…. Princess Taroro said…..

To Be Continued…..


Stages of Fade Grief

So currently I work at a high school. It’s fun for the most part because you think about how crazy these kids are and you SWEAR you weren’t like that in high school but you were… You totally were. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was doing lunch duty and a teacher came up to me and said another staff member was holding a kid back in the lunch line and looked like he needed help. This school so well behaved there’s NEVER any action so I was all for it. I went over there and it was my patnah holding a student back but he said the student calmed down so he let him go… The student had not, in fact, calmed down. He went back to The student and got in his face.

Now the student that bruh was holding back was bigger. He wasn’t fat but he was built like Cole on Martin. So I’ll call him Thick Flair. The dude he was going after was smaller but I’ve seen him play football and he was scrappy so I had no clue how stuff would go down. 

So Flair gets back in dudes face and they talking trash but lil bruh said he ain’t want no problems. Well Flair decided that he wanted some problems that day. Flair pushed him and lil bruh decided that this was NOT finna be a shoving contest and called what I like to refer to as, “The Hands audible”. Lil bruh just started throwing them things. Quick too. Flair tried to throw some haymakers but whenever he cocked back Dwyane Fade already tagged him twice so Flair missed every punch he threw. The lunch lady screaming slamming her hands on the bar going ham. Mashed potatoes and gravy flying everywhere

Me and my patnah ran over to break it up, of course he walked outta the cafeteria with the winner. I had to pick Flair ass off the floor. He leaning all on me like Jordan when he finished the Flu Game. In my head I’m like “Damn bruh he ain’t give you no body shots why you limping?” He holding his eye like “Nahh my eye it just swell up real easy”. I took him to the office to seal his fate.

Me and my patnah got back in line the lunch lady was like “I.. I just didn’t know what to do so I started banging and screaming to get someone’s attention for help.” 

We was right there tho….

Another male staff who walked over there with me and straight disappeared once the fight broke out was like, “Yea Mr. Such and such has a few inches on me so I felt He was better equipped to handle it”.

You taller than me tho….

Flair got suspended for 10 days so this past week he came back to school.I was curious about how he was gonna handle his return and all the Q&A that came with it so I kept a close eye on him. I took the ONE required psychology class in college so I was very well educated on the stages of Fade Grief.

DENIAL:

I’m standing in the hallway in between classes and another student goes up to Flair like “Where you been bruh?” 

I got suspended.

“Damn bruh what you do”

*shakes head and walks off into a crowd*

Flair class wasn’t even in that direction he just didn’t wanna relive those moments. I ain’t messy so I couldn’t scream out “OH HE GOT SOAKED IN THE LUNCH LINE LIKE SOME DAY OLD DIRTY DISHES”

Flair was in denial. And who am I to give him a reality check?

ANGER: Bruh was just mad at everybody who wasn’t D. Fade. He felt like he needed a W. And anybody who wasn’t D. Fade could get it…. Except for D. Fade. I later found out that Flair is a 19 year old freshman and D. Fade is 15 or 16. So getting rinsed by someone who can’t technically see a Rated R movie without his mama while you outchea buying blacks and lottery tickets is arguably frustrating.
BARGAINING: Bruh was def heard saying “Man I swear on everything I love if I ever see that nigga outside of school ima get mine.”. This wasn’t one of those fights up for debate… It was obvious he was outmatched. But who was I to tell bruh “All fades matter”.
DEPRESSION: This one stuck out to me like Rachel Dolezal at a Solange concert. I stood behind bruh in the SAME lunch line he caught the fade in. He leaning against the wall, shoulders all slumped over. Got his hoodie on and tied tight. Normally I’m supposed to tell him to pull his hood down but this kinda fade is probably the worst kinda bad hair day you could have.

Ba Dum Tss

Unfortunately, we have yet to reach the acceptance stage. He’s a lil young so it may take awhile. Maybe during spring break he can watch a few Worldstar fight compilations and see that their is life after fades.

Only time will tell…


Teddy B Brolic(one day)

My name is Teddy Belafonte.

*crowd goes* Hi Teddy Belafonte

And I’m fat….At first I was in denial, “No, that was quite the staircase you just climbed bruh” “your bones is big” “It’s a common complaint that it’s hard to tie your shoes when wearing Old Navy jeans”  but I’ve finally come to accept the fact that I am indeed fat.

I was changing my son’s diaper, and he started kicking my man titty like it was a speed bag.. Just smiling not knowing he just betrayed daddy.

So since I’m on Christmas break from work, might as well start going to the gym before all the New Year New Me folk, Right?

So yesterday I get my playlist right, and head on over to the gym. First time I been since JoJo was in utero and he’ll be 2 in February so it’s been quite a minute. I walk in, vibe still feels the same. Figured I might as well try to get with my own routine if I remember correctly.:

  1. Weight room
  2. Elliptical
  3.  Die in the car

So first I jumped on some free weights to get myself going… Start off a little light. Then I saw the bench was open. It was time for the moment of truth. See back when I did go to the gym often I maxed out at 415lbs(gloats). Wasn’t stupid enough to try that again however I figured I could do half. So I put 205 on the bar. Lift it up, ok not so bad, bring it back down, “alright Teddy you can do 10” By rep 3 I realized that was a terrible mistake but I kept pushing. At rep 6 I told myself that no one had been counting so let’s just call this 10 right here. I get up… And my whole right titty cramped up. I just knew this was a heart attack and I brought it on myself so I couldn’t be mad. I just walked to the locker room to cardiac arrest in peace and not cause a scene. And to my surprise I didn’t die AND there wasn’t any naked old white dudes in there.

Back to the weight room. I recognized and accepted that I am not who I once was. I took it fairly easy on the weights after that. Broke a good sweat. Now it was time for that punk ass mf named Cardio.

Not much to say about my cardio experience except it was harder than the fight against systemic racism. I did a mile in 15 minutes and you can kiss my ass. That 15 minutes felt like a lifetime… I jumped straight off the machine…. And walked my ass to the car.. That’s the cool down. I was tired as all hell. You know I was tired cause I got outta breath if I mashed the gas too hard in the car.

I’m driving to pick up Jojo from the baby sitter and I get this feeling in my stomach that I unfortunately know all too well.

Issa Cramp.

 

So I get this cramp in my stomach like where abs would be if I had them. So I lean back to try to alleviate that one. Then I get one in my back from leaning that way. Then I get one in my side.. Then I get one on the other side. Now I’m behind the wheel, on the road, whole torso locked up looking like I’m doing the Thriller dance routine. I don’t know how I made it to the baby sitters house but I did. Fortunately, she’s a friend of mine so I wasn’t too embarrassed to be in her driveway on the brink of tears looking like i’m in active labor.

Babysitter: Ummm… You want me to call your mama??

Me*in pain*: No she’s out of town she can’t do anything.

BS: You…. Want me to call Jo’s mother?

Me *in pain*: No… she’ll probably smile and tell you to poke me… I just… Do you have any bananas?

So I tried to drink as much water as I could while she went into the house to find a banana… Still slumped over in the car… Can’t keep all the water in my mouth.. She comes back like “Well.. it’s not exactly a banana”.

So I’m in this chicks driveway eating a jar of banana babyfood wearing a hoodie soaked in drool, water, and tears and this just wasn’t what I expected of my life at 27. I don’t understand how people work out for fun. Then I looked at JoJo and realized that I need to be here for him. I need to run around with him, play with him without getting tired, Show him how to play sports, and look good enough to confuse whatever girl he brings over to the house.

So with that being said…. I’ll be back in that shithole tomorrow… Bananas on deck…


White Noise

This summer after a couple of interesting run ins I’ve had with those of the taupe persuasion I’ve decided to write down things I heard that made me go “hmmmm”, made my ass itch, or gave me chest pains… I’ve decided to share what I have so far. I will warn you now, this isn’t like my usual blogs.

This lady at my job begged me not to take offense to a story she was about to tell me. I’m thinking she’s about to retell Uncle Tom’s children in her own words. She only said “this young black girl….”.

I was waiting a table and this guy knocked his drink over. He said “I’m sorry please blame,this on the alcohol….. And not the crack cocaine I had earlier”

I filled out an application to rent a house and the guy said “we’re not looking for anything specific on the background check. As long as you aren’t a blood or crip or something like that.”………. I didn’t get the house.

There’s a small table outside of work and people keep their cigarettes in the drawer. I opened the drawer to grab one and the guy who was performing on the patio walked by and asked if that’s where i keep the weed.

For the first time since my son was born I was asked “so what does your wife do?” instead of, “are you still with your baby mama?” I’m not married but still.

My co-workers called this guy a racist and got pissed because he referred to me as the big black guy.

This lady ordered steamed shrimp to go. Her name was Latoya. My coworker picked up the order to take out of the kitchen and… “I got an order for Lato- OOooooo Latoya gonna get her skrimps giiirrrlll” 

We give out glasses and a glass bottle of water to tables when they first arrive. This lady asked for ice water. So I brought her ice. Because water was already on the table. She got upset and asked for a new server.

I then found out that it wasn’t uncommon for people to ask for “anyone but the black guy” when they walk in. I’ve been here for 4 years.

Yesterday a man was killed while he was waiting for his son at the bus stop. As is most situations the cop will probably get a paid vacation. This lady just said that the world needs to watch Remember the Titans.

A lot of white people are bringing up MLK and saying they wished he was back…. I do too but only so I could hear a collective “Wait, what???”
I came back to work someone told me they had a huge debate about black people after work the night before… I dont know if I’m thankful that I was off or if I regret not being there.
Someone told me “Bye Felicia” and I asked them to name 5 characters from Friday…. They could not.

In my book of life. If I wrote a chapter about this summer it would be titled, “Not to sound Racist, but”…… I need this job though


120 Hours

I haven’t blogged in 3 months. I hadn’t been in the mood to write and I felt like I haven’t had anything funny to write about. The recent tragedy in Louisiana with the flooding put things into perspective for me. I have a homeboy who was affected by this and when I checked on him he said he just needed a pick me up. And I know a blog post isn’t much of anything but hopefully I can give him and anyone else who needs it a good laugh or 2 and bring their spirits up. That’s why I write. So here we go, hope you laugh.
Twas the first semester of my senior year of college. I had a good relationship with my professors in my major courses as did most of my fellow students but this particular semester they decided to just throw the biggest monkey wrench they could find and toss that shit into the plans of me graduating on time.

They hired this new professor, he was from the Bahamas and got his PhD from Cornell or one of those bougie ass schools. The man wanted a paper and presentation about every damn thing we talked about and at the time I just wasn’t mentally prepared to be the student he wanted me to be in order to get a BET original movie made about his story starring Clinton Powell and Keith David. (names don’t ring a bell? Google em, you’ve seen em)

So this new professor came on campus with a syllabus and lesson plan written with Joe Jackson vibes. Nothing was gonna be good enough for this guy. Let’s call him Ho Clark. Sorry I can’t be more creative at the time.

So I struggle through the whole semester. Towards the end, I took it upon myself to give me a day off from his class. And I also took it upon myself to put my foot in my own ass cause the day I missed was the same day this man decided to have everyone pick their groups for the final projects and whoever was not in class that day, or did not get chose was in a group.

So it was me, the 6th year senior, the dude who always came to class with a red eyed hangover, and the guy who was a lil slower than everyone else but always received a pat on the back for his efforts.

And to add insult to injury, when I came to class the next day, he’s reading off the list of groups and I was hoping that the guy who I thought was my homie, Durty Vert from my previous blogs, would’ve looked out for me and add me to his group but he played me. So he reads off all the groups and then says “and the last group, that I put,together due to absences arrrrreeee”

*a collection of shit eating grins immediately turn my way*

I sit there and look at the ceiling, ready to accept my fate. I’m in the group with(in order of their descriptions above)  Boris Hellnoe, Taye Niggs, and Aubrey FLAKE Graham (boy had immaculate dandruff).

The first part of the project was to open a restaurant in the next town, research the target market, wants, needs. And some other BS. 

The name of the town is Colonial Heights. We interviewed the manager of the local McDonald’s who was not ashamed to be black and let us know “I’m the manager of a MacDonalds in the whitest damn town around, why the hell you think they call it Colonial Whites?”

That’s real.. I appreciate it.
So me and Taye were in the library putting together a presentation about this struggleraunt we finna open. Boris and Flake are off.. Being off. 

We’re brainstorming on the project, bouncing ideas, he’s a pro at photo editing so he was gonna make the logo and such. I was writing everything out. His phone goes off.

Taye: *looks at phone* Uh oh, cheeeba cheeebaa!

Me: you tryna smoke now? Ween finish nothing!

Taye: look bruh, just write the intro, I’ll take care of everything else, I gotta go.
And like a sucka… I believed him.

So we’re in class… I’m ready for him to tell me he had nothing and we gotta wing it. But he had it! So we go up there ready to present. 

I introduce myself to the class, he uploads the power point, my back is facing the screen. 

Me: My name is Mr. Belafonte these are,my team mates. We were given the task of opening a restaurant in Colonial Heights, we had to research the population and target market and we found that locally, people refer to it as Colonial Whites because of population. *looks at the screen*

This man has an american flag, and the background of fuckin trailer parks and pickup trucks as the logo and the words on the backdrop say “Colonial Whites, we’ll get ya right!”
Me: and this…. Nigga… Named the restaurant Colonial Whites and he will now take over while I go cry about something other than this L I’m taking.

I’m not 100% sure about how the whole presentation went because once I saw the professors face frown up the sight of the logo I closed my eyes and kept singing “Rain on me” by Ashanti as I go down with this ship. I do remember him going over the menu and I heard “we have corn dogs cause white people love corn dogs”. 

Me: RAAAIIIIINN OOOONNN MEEE LLLAAAAAWWWWWDDD WON’T YOU TAKE THIS PAIN FROM MEEEEEEEE

When I open my eyes this Nigga had the nerve to say “Any questions or comments?”
BRUUUUUUHHHHH.
The way Dr. Clark repeatedly called us ignorant I just felt like I was standing in front, blindfolded, whole classroom got guns.
So Professor Clark gives us the 2nd part of our project that’s like 800% of our final grade. We had to pick a state, pick a hotel to for accommodations for all the needs of sports fans… I think.. I still don’t know. I remember we chose Texas for whatever reason. 

I stayed up all night writing a rough draft of everything I think this man needs just to see if I’m on the right track. I put my heart into this draft. I made a whole pot of coffee, put it on ice, chugged it, booboo’d my life away and went to class. I showed it to him. 

Dr: No no no, Mr. Belafonte this is all wrong, you need to figure out your market, interests, average age, likes dislikes, wants, state birds, fruit, drop out rate, and Bun B’s social security number.

Me: Do I really need a degree?
So I go to the rest of my classes, meet with the group tell them everything he wanted and assigned topics. 
48 Hours. No sleep.

I go back home to rewrite it on top of everything else I have to do for school. Make another pot of coffee, chug it, booboo my life away, go to my 8am Bio class. I walk in at 8:10 And all the desks are spread out.. Why are they spread out? Cause this is the final exam. And the only thing I know is Bun B’s social security number, and the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. 

I’m pretty sure ima let Dr. Clark down so I can’t bomb 2 classes so lemme sit in the back pull my phone out and see if Google can gimme a B.

So while I’m cheating my ass off my stomach feels crazy. It wasn’t like I gotta use the bathroom pain it was just a pain. So I ask my bio professor if caffeine has an effect on your stomach.

Bio professor: oh yea it eats away at the lining your stomach.
Safe to say I have no lining on my stomach… Stomach just raw.
I show my professor what I have so far.

Clark: You’re kinda getting there, you need Dirk Nowitzki’s 3 point average in elementary school and Jerry Jones’ lineage and some other things but keep going.
Me: I WILL be a statistic.
Flake came over my house to write his part.. He fell asleep halfway through while I’m shorting out my computer by crying over the mf. 

Made another pot of coffee cause fuck a stomach lining. Chugged it. Peed Folgers. Went to class
72 Hours. No sleep.

By this time I’m hallucinating. I saw monkeys run across the interstate on my way to class. I tried to talk to someone and all I could do was mumble.
I met with Dr. Clark one more time and When he asked me what my problem was I couldn’t speak because I had a lump in my throat.

Dr: Mr.Belafonte if you don’t have anything to say I have a meeting to get to.

Me: I just… I don’t… *Derek Luke tears*

I don’t know what you want… And I’ve wrote 4 pages every night and it’s not right. And I don’t wanna be in college anymore cause of this project and they hiring at Food lion distribution. I don’t know where those monkeys came from on i95 And the news ain’t say anything about them missing and now I’m sad cause they got unclaimed chimps in Petersburg.

Dr: Mr. Belafonte calm down… Get it together… I’ve seen you’re dedicated and,it’s admirable. Just tell me how many minutes Mike Jones uses  on his phone plan since his he gave his phone number out, and you’ll be on the right track. No go to the restroom and clean yourself up.

Me: *looks in the bathroom mirror* I still don’t know shit… *boo hoos*

Flake sent me his paper so I go into the computer lab to look over it…. Ain’t a complete sentence in these 4 pages. 

I’m screaming into my hands, cussing his ass out. He not there im just venting.

This girl speaks up.

Girl: Teddy,you not right, like I feel like you going in on him you know how he is, don’t be mean.

Me: I’m not being mean, I’ve been working with him about this and all I want is a damn page of something correct. This man has an entire page of shit with red and green lines under them do you know what that means? That means that out of 4 pages this man has one whole page, 250 words that a damn computer program just can’t understand. And he’s ok with that.

So I stay up and fix my paper, and his… Drink another pot of coffee. Booboo’d coffee beans… And went to class.
96 Hours. No sleep.
I was actually very content with my life because I knew I would be admitted to an asylum before the paper was due so everything is ok. I didn’t bother talking to Dr. Clark because at this point fuck him. The paper was due tomorrow and we decided that he was gonna get whatever we had.

I go home, stay up and write my paper and edit Flakes final draft. Drink a pot of coffee. Trim the coffee bean plant in my toilet bowl. 

I turn the paper in and pray that Dr. Clark either gets fired or goes back to the Bahamas for good. 
I slept for 16 Hours. The semester was over. Boris finally pops up and gives me a phone call.

Boris: Aye bruh… Guess what… Dr. Clark said our shit was so bad he had no clue what anybody was talking about and couldn’t find a grade low enough to give us so he gave us C’s and quit.
That’s cool with me. Class of 2011 HOE!
To my brother in Louisiana I hope this raises your spirits a bit. To anyone going through this I’m praying for you and I love you.

Until next time folk!