Ya’ll know I love my urban legends right? I have another one for you.
The story of 5 Finger Manno.
So I’ve been spending some time in Jersey City since my ole lady is from there.
I’m out of place when I travel up north so I have a hard time fitting in. One route I tried to take was bringing up celebrities and such that I knew was from the area since her Brothers have been there their whole lives they know a lot of people.
I WILL NOT mention their names because of the stories they have for them but at least half of the discussions went like:
“Man you talking bout such and such?!?! Maaannn 5 Finger Manno slapped that muhfugga up in the park!”
EVERY….STORY… Started like that.
Who is 5 Finger Manno?! Why is he slapping everybody?? And where is this park I need to avoid so I don’t get slapped???
Initially I didn’t believe it. But one day I went to a local bar in the city to partake and overheard someone else who I didn’t know mention someone getting slapped in the park by 5 Finger Manno.
I said enough is enough… Time to find out more about this 5 Finger Manno.
I went looking for his story…. And I got it, eventually.
So 5 Finger Manno was born and raised in Jersey City. He was very musically inclined but his favorite instrument was the bongo. As he got older he developed a short temper. And he couldn’t stand “nonsense”. So he’d be in this park I never found the name of and him and his boys would play for fun. If someone looked at him wrong he would get up and BLAAAOOOOWWW just slap fire out of em. Just cause HE felt offended HE felt it was justified.
Eventually he made a name for himself… Kinda for his music but mostly because he would slap people for no reason.
He became a serial slapper around the city. And folk knew he was coming..
See he had his bongo strapped round his shoulder as he walked through the city… And he would play a tune on it As he walked around.. So when locals heard that bongo they would scatter. But people from outside the city didn’t know and thought they were getting a free show then, BLAAOOOWWW. And what made things worse was that EVERY night and morning he would work out with hand grips just so folk would fear 5 Finger Manno and tell other towns about him.
Eventually he became a menace society and police tried to catch him. The thing about 5 Finger Manno was that he was light brown with long dreads down his back. Fluent in Spanish and Patois so folk couldn’t describe his nationality. He spoke Clear English when he wasn’t slap happy. Folk couldn’t give a clear description.
There was this one Italian officer who was bullied by dark skin folk while in high school and he joined the force and made it his mission to terrorize them no matter the age. He hid behind his badge. His name was Blanco Privlegio. Officer Privlegio made it his mission to take down Manno but he just couldn’t.
Every time he saw Manno he would stop and frisk him but he couldn’t nail him cause he was speaking english, didnt have his bongo, and his dreads were tucked tight under a hat that for whatever reason would NOT come off. And he would always say “Manno Ima get ya black ass!” and Manno would resist slapping an officer cause he knew he would get sent up the river.
One day Manno was in the park playing and this guy looked at him funny and it pissed him off so much he dug deep down in his soul and slapped Bruh out his socks. Stood over top of him and realized Bruh was severely cock eyed. Everyone in the park banded together and scolded Manno. One lady said “I’m calling Privlegio.” Manno jumped on the first thing smoking to DC and hid out for awhile. Before he went to sleep he prayed for help with his anger. He didn’t really want to slap people he just felt it was the only thing necessary.
As he slept he was visited by an angel, Della Grease.
She said, “Manno, you have sooo much aggression inside of you… It could be used for good instead of evil like you’ve been doing. Until you use this excellent elbow grease for good, I will take one of your glorious dreads. Go against me, you will be Stevie Wonder… Follow me, and you will be Buju Banton… The choice is yours. You will know when it is time.”
If there was one thing Manno was extremely proud of it was his locks. He had worked so hard on them and they were responsible for 90% of the girls he bagged. So he couldn’t lose them.
One day Manno’s family was on her way down south to see his little sister and invited him. He figured the further south he went he would be safe, so he went.
Mama Manno’s favorite restaurant was Golden Corral. He hated the place but liked making her happy so he went. He’s eating decent trying his best to stay up beat and enjoy his food. The waiter comes and refills his drink but he reached over his plate to do it.
Manno: I can’t believe this rude mf is reaching over my bourbon chicken
Family in Unison: Manno, please don’t do it.
Manno: it’s cool… Its a good deed.
Server backflipped all into the meatloaf. Glasses landed in the green bean casserole. Whole restaurant froze up.
Manno confidently smiles…
Then 2 dreads hit the floor….
He angrily storms out the restaurant.
Manno: Della Grease, he disrespected me, he got dealt with, why did I lose some locks?!
Della: Manno, that man is doing his job, slapping him for a mistake is no good deed.
Manno continues south with his family.
Manno made it down south and stopped by a gas station for some backwoods and coconut water… Cause you gotta hydrate naturally to fulfill your slap destiny.
The cashier doesn’t hand him his money he puts it on the counter.
Manno: Oh so I’m not good enough for you to hand me my money?!?!
Manno slapped this man so hard he caught his whole face, slammed him against the register and EVERYBODY got $10 free gas.
2 more dreads fall out.
Della: Manno…. Young Manno…. You will know when you need to fulfill your Slapstiny…
Manno knew better… He didn’t argue.
Manno stayed down south for a few months with his sister and didn’t go out to refrain from slapping people. His Homie had a big show in Jersey City and he figured it had been long enough for the coast to be clear so he caught a megabus up there.
While he’s waiting for the show he goes outside to smoke and who else does he see besides Officer Privlegio roughing up a black teenager who keeps screaming “IM NOT RESISTING MAN I DONT HAVE ANYTHING!!”
Manno is fighting the urge at first but then he hears Della.
Della: Manno…. OOOOOOOOHHHHHH MANNNOOOOOO!!! You don’t need a watch to know what time it is!!
Manno: Say no more! Hey PRIVLEGIO!!
Privlegio let’s the teen go and runs right towards Manno full speed.
Manno grows his 4 dreads back… Then they all turn Golden. He knows his Slapstiny will be fulfilled.
He begins to run towards Privlegio, reaches his hand up and came down so hard he had flames coming from it.
Privlegio flies back and hits the side of a Bodega so hard he left an imprint in the brick. The teen fled.. The rest of the officers rushed to Privlegio’s side and are all in shock of what they see. One rookie cop says “man he can never work ag-”
The rest of Privlegio’s co workers weep softly for their fallen soldiers.
Privlegio regains consciousness in a hospital 2 weeks later. Surrounded by fellow officers giving him nalia for all that he has done for the City.
Privlegio: why are giving me this?! It’s just a small scar I’ll be back soon.
The Chief: No Privlegio… You won’t… You can’t come back.
Privlegio unravels the bandages from his face and reveals a large hand print scar that has “Black Lives Matter, Ho” on the inside also written in scars. He looks at his comrades distraught knowing it will never heal…
He screams loudly from his hospital bed…
Manno smiles as he walks around his old stomping grounds playing the bongos for onlookers to enjoy.
Hopefully one day I get to meet the new 5 Finger Manno.
We all know life tests us… In my head, I think life knows that there are certain situations you haven’t been through in a while If ever and wants to know if you sink or swim…
Life is the teacher that called on you because she KNOWS that you don’t know that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell… So you either get the answer right, or you blurt out “Nucleolus”. The choice is yours.
This particular time, life just decided to make 8 hours of my life painfully awkward to see if I had it… I’ll let ya’ll judge whether I did or not.
I was waiting tables at the Musty Krab, In this small town I live in. I was the only non taupe server in the restaurant.
It’s 3pm on a Saturday so it’s pretty slow. Me and my Homie Slim Carrey are in the back cutting up, horse playing. You know, shit ween got no business doing.
There’s this taupe girl we worked with. Bout 5’0 100lbs soaking wet. One of those innocent girls obsessed with horses. So let’s call her Pony Montana.
Me and Slim get in a friendly shoving contest. I push him the exact moment as Pony comes walking our way. He flies towards her, his shoulder hits her in the nose.
The nose is a very interesting body part. Because if you get hit in it, you either sneeze violently, or you’re in excruciating pain.
Now I’m in a situation similar to when you hit your younger sibling and you pray they’re okay because you don’t want them to tell mom. Except lil brother= tiny taupe girl and mom=Chesterfield County PD.
So I went to hug her to make sure she’s ok and I can’t see her face but the way her body is moving she’s either crying or laughing. I prayed for the latter but ya’ll know my luck.
She starts boo-hooing.
Everybody in the kitchen gives me death stares, Slim screams “LOOK WHAT YOU DID!” and her boyfriend is mad but he can’t whoop my ass so he prolly slid a racial slur in under his breath.
I apologize but she not Tryna hear it. So I feel small at this point… There wasn’t but 5 people in the back but when I went to the front everybody knew what happened and I’m public enemy #1.
My manager, Kate Thinslet, gives me some words of encouragement you know “it was an accident, people know you’re a good guy and you didn’t mean it.”
So now I’m ready to work. I still feel bad but I just tried to find stuff to do to get my mind off it.
I go to clean the fish tank which is this big veiney sumbitch. It has these heavy thick wooden doors on the bottom of it. I clean it, and when I come down my apron got caught on one of the heavy ass doors which happened to be off the hinges. It fell and made this loud obnoxious ass noise.
When I turn around all these egg shell colored folk are looking at me like I just said I’ve never seen Titanic. I haven’t btw. I look to the right, and Kate has her hand over her mouth and tears falling from her eyes cause of course, my day could get more awkward with the heavy ass door that I knocked over landing on her foot the same day she decided to be cute and wear sandals.
So I carry her, princess style to the back. She’s crying her ass off. The other managers are in the back with me and she decides she wants to win a fuckin Oscar soooo..
“My FOOOOOOTTTT!! I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING, IT’S NUMB!! I KNOW IT’S BROKEN!!”
So I get more death stares.
The owner, Bony Soprano takes her to Patient First and I continue my shift feeling the same size as a smurf while everyone prepares to burn a Teddy effigy.
Bony calls and asks to speak with me. “Aye man, don’t feel bad she didn’t break anything it’s just swollen, she’s fine and she can walk…
Ok… I don’t feel that terrible anymore. I can keep my head in the game.
No I can’t…
Cause a few hours later…
In comes Kate…. Again, working on that Oscar. On crutches,Foot wrapped up, making unnecessary ass grunts.
Folk start joking like “Look what you did Teddy, I hope you’re proud”.
I felt so bad I couldn’t even look her crippled ass in the face.
I felt like John Coffey.. Minus the.. You know..
I felt like Lennie from Mice and Men… Breaking taupe girls necks and shit…
Tell me about the rabbits, Bruh..
So I’m bout 6 months and some change into the Daddy Game aaannnddd. I’d be a damn lie if I told you I had it under control.
I’m getting there… But I think me and Jojo would agree I have more work to do…
I came a long way from the first time me and him ventured into the world though. Wanna hear it? Here it goes.
His mother had just gone back to work from maternity leave and I was given the task of taking him to his 2 month appointment.
Getting him ready JUST got easy. Back then, I could freak a black & mild faster than I could put a diaper and onesie on him. I’ve showed up to appointments 30 mins late because I went to public school so I don’t quite understand how to put shoes on an infant.
Twas a onesie and socks kinda day for the young bull when he hung out with daddy.
Went to the doctor and he woke up as soon as I sat down. He was good at first… Then he got hungry. No worries I had breast milk in the diaper bag… I can prepared…
Not that damn prepared though… The shit was frozen…. In my defense… I could’ve SWORN it was gonna thaw out in 2 hours….
Again…. It’s my rookie season….
So Jojo gets hungry…. I’m his father so I understand.
I’m just not prepared.
He…went… Honey baked ham.
Watson’s go to BirmingHAM
Bruh screamed his soul out. When he hungry this man turns in To a Louie Armskrong Howler Monkey(best way to describe it) To make matters worse he also had a blow out and had baby boo boo running down his leg.
So I’m in the public restroom… Sink clogged with hot water Tryna thaw the milk out.
Him channeling Aretha Franklin, K Ci and Jojo
Tryna change and feed him.
20 mins later I accomplish my mission.
I come out the bathroom and this boy about 11 or 12 is running from the door cause he just had his ear to it.
Me: You mind yo got damn business….
Him: *gasp* Daddy!
*Pops mean mugs*
Me: I’ll take this diaper bag off and rinse yo ass too.
Of course I won’t take my frustration out on my son so someone gotta catch an abundance of fades.
I’m feeding the seed and waiting to be called.
They call me up to the desk for insurance info…
Again It’s rookie season So I can’t hold and feed him and hand them my insurance card.. So This polite hood hippo offers to hold him while I handle business..
She falls in love with my son and wants to keep him, understandably so, the boys handsome as hell….
But I can’t take her up on that offer cause I’m currently not in the physical state to RKO his mother…
The Nurse calls us in and I try to gather Everything together and get in the room…
Rookie season…. I forget his car seat.
The Nurse offers to hold him while I go back and get it…
Lets pause so I can Be Bob Ross and paint a picture for ya’ll..
Imagine a documentary… Some clueless egg shell colored dude… In my head he’s British. He just picked up an adorable bear cub and is playing with it on camera…. The camera man’s eyes get big..
So i come back and the nurse is holding son parading him around and she’s standing in front of the Dr. With her back towards me… I walk up to her and Docs eyes get big and she says, “Dad’s back” no threat, just a big black dude.. Although given the situation and the picture I painted for you I was almost inclined to let out a big ass roar before snatching my son away for added effect but I refrained.
The check up went well, found out Jojo was the size of a decent thanksgiving turkey. Can’t deny him.
He gets hungry again…. Shows his ass Again… I was unprepared AGAIN!
Rookie season… I’m back in the bathroom Tryna thaw out breast milk in luke warm water.. I’m vigorously rubbing it under the water giving it a happy ending and shit. I feed him and he’s back to my happy greedy son that I strangely love.. We made it home and mommy came through to save the day.
Real quick , I know this wasn’t my typical knee slapper but I wanted to take you through a day of a clueless new father… I find it strange and interesting that when he was first born he knew nothing of me besides hearing me sing Foreign Exchange to him through the womb and when he came out and opened his eyes he stared at me trying to figure out who the hell I was and I was absolutely in love with him. I pretty much had to audition for my son.
It started out rough but Fatherhood is my new favorite hobby… I like to think I got better at it.
Until next time folk!
On a bored day at work me and my coworker were talking about how many times we got into fights in our lifetime. While explaining my scrap history I noticed a hilarious transformation. I’ve always been a lover but just like you I’ve had my moments.
1. Look Good Losing
I was in the 3rd grade. Each day before school we sat in the gym until the teachers came and got us. We were sitting on the bleachers and I was talking to one of my friends and this dude sitting next to me rudely interrupts me and tells me to shut up. I respond “make me” Cause that was the proper response back then let television tell it. So we get into a shoving contest.
*dude shoves back*
*dude shoves back*
*dude shoves back*
Dude decides to take shit to the next level. I was perfectly content just shoving this nigga cause I was winning.
*dude slaps me*
Up until this point I had never been in a fight. All my siblings were way older than me and I didn’t live in a neighborhood with alot of kids so there weren’t many opportunities for childhood scrappage.
So I ain’t know what to do, I just knew I had to do SOMETHING.
So I did the first thing that came to mind.
I grabbed dude by his collar, and I threw him down in the part of the bleachers where folk behind you put their feet.
Whole class starts screaming.
From a distance.. I’m fucking dude up.
From my clueless ass point of view I just got dude hemmed up in the bleachers… Ain’t throwing no punches cause idk what the hell to do I’m just holding collar shaking his ass. So I pretty much scolded the hell outta dude.
They break it up. I was always a shy kid so getting slapped in front of my class was embarrassing. I may have cried in the bathroom, fuck you.
I get home, teacher called mom dukes, mom dukes called pops. They both yell at me for not defending myself. If I could go back in time and tell pops this is his fault. Ain’t nobody tell you to have yo first child at 18 and have me at 40. Who the hell does that. Maybe… if you had me closer to my brother me and him would’ve had plenty exhibition matches and then I would’ve been a pro by the time dude slapped me. These tears is on you pops.
So… by the rules… I lost that fight.
2. Fake It Til You Make It.
I’m in the 5th grade now. I’m riding the bus minding my own business this egg shell colored girl behind me says “Hey I bet you won’t hit me” idk why the hell kids said stupid shit like that but they did. So anyways, I slapped her hands. Twas a playful tap cause she smiled afterwards cause she was playing too. Or was she the devil?
She calls her cousin who was on the bus,
“Casey he hit me!!”
And his ass sposed to be mad..
So he punches me in the shoulder.
I punch back.
He punches me again.
I punch back.
You can tell neither one of us know what we’re doing cause no face got punched.
I’m annoyed now. I’m finna give this muhfucka the shoulder punch to end all shoulder punches. So he’ll leave me alone.
I cock my arm back all the way and pick up all the anger and frustration I got for always being left unfroze during freeze tag. I swing for his shoulder.
Dude decides he wants to bitch out and flinches.
This flinch makes his elbow hit my arm which knocks my punch off route and now it’s heading for his face.
Bruh cried and fell in the bus seat.
His friend and his cousin run to him to make sure he was ok….
They look at me.
Initially I felt bad I had every intention to continue this shoulder punch contest until I got to my aunt house. I could apologize…
OR I could show that the young Belafonte cub ain’t nothing to fuck with..
I chose the latter….
“I TOLD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE DIDN’T I?! (I didn’t) NOW LOOK AT YOU! DON’T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN! (cause I won’t )
Ain’t nobody mess with me on the bus. I went out a got damn slugger.
Egg shell colored cousin, his blood is on your hands.
3. Jiminy Nigcket
I’m in the 6th grade now. Around this time “Yo mama” rebuttals were at an all time high. There were 2 types of people at East Garner Middle School. Those who shrug off or return a “Yo mama” rebuttal. And those who go to war off one. I was the former. I listened to what the teachers said. These niggas don’t know my mama so what does it matter. One day I wanted to be war ready. Why? It was cool.
We at lunch, I say something to this dude. He has a Yo mama rebuttal.
I initially shrug it off…
My friend decides to be Jiminy Nigcket and is all in my ear.
“Bro he talked about yo mama… You can’t let him get away with that.”
So after lunch we went to look for dude. I’m hoping we don’t find him so I can just let it die over… NOPE! We found him.
Jiminy in my ear again telling me to hit him. I’m tryna be cool so I go up to him.
“So my mama a man, huh??!”
Shit ain’t eem make sense
A big glob of spit flew out his mouth
, I was actually impressed by myself.
Everybody standing round with the obligatory “OOOOOOOOOOOO”
“Don’t do it no mo”
Me and Jiminy walk away. I turn around. Dude standing there looking oh so defeated. I feel bad…
Hindsight… Me and this dude was friends. We played football together. I just wanted to be cool.
But this damn conscious of mine.
I walk back over there. “Hey man…. I’m sorry. Ya know… I just love my mama man.”
Those same folk cheering me on, couldn’t understand me and booed me….
I wasn’t built for that life.
4. Grizzly Belafonte Is Born
I’m in the 12th grade now. I’ve asserted my dominance at Thomas Dale High School. Not by being a scrapper. But playing football and having witnesses to me lifting heavy shit in the weight room i was left alone. I was cool with everyone so I never had any beef in high school.
The one thing I hated was when folk used to titty twist or hit me with the man boob lift. One thing I hated more than that was folk who did it for show.
It’s St. Patrick’s day, I have on one of my prized outfits, Jamaican flag shirt, fresh jeans, clean butter tims. I’m on my way to class. My boy was leaning against the locker talking to his freshman girlfriend. I go to dap him up. I hear him whisper to her “watch this”.
He gives me a man boob lift and says “Where’s your green at nigga?”
He broke two rules.
I could’ve let him slide cause he my boy…
But his girl laughed.
I kinda snapped…. Kinda.
I grabbed his face and mushed him into the locker.
I may have OD’d.
Every time his head bounced off the locker I caught it and threw it back into the locker. I even hit him with the ass whooping cadence ya mom’s hit you with when she beat you.
WHERE’S YOURS AT?!
He trying to get himself together.
I walked away to class.. His girl just staring at him… Thought she was cool dating a senior nigga just got his ass Pong’d into a locker.
I’m still a lover…
Until next time folk!!!
As you may know I used to slang them crab cakes(wait tables) in Central VA for a couple years. I have the utmost respect for any server outchea cause it is not an easy job.
I stayed strong for 2 years cause the money is fast enough you don’t go broke but slow enough that the feds don’t watch. Perfect medium.
For a while I worked Saturday mornings. Saturday mornings are a gift and a curse. It’s not stressful and you’re out the door quick but it’s a guaranteed $40 shift cause its so slow… I mean who wakes up like “maaayynne I could really go for some crabcakes”? 12 people do…. So there’s only 3 servers and a manager on the floor and the servers rotate until dinner shift folk come through. Simple enough, right?
Well this one particular Saturday, which happened to be the beginning of Black History Month, separated the men from the boys.
If you’re an avid reader, which I hope you are, you remember the Christmas Party blog when I introduced my manager, Kate Thinslet, and my engaged coworkers LeAnne Dimes and Chadam Vinatieri. Well we were all together on this day. It started out a normal Saturday. Clean and set up and watch that one old couple sit outside until we open. We all got our rotations going on. Ain’t but 6 people in the restaurant. 1:30 hits and the kitchen staff goes on break. 3 cooks go to the gym, 2 cooks and a dishwasher hold it down.
SOOOOOOOOON as they leave folk start coming in the door.
It starts picking up but ain’t nothing we haven’t done before. I do my normal walk around to check the white board to see what table I got next. I got a couple, no biggie I just gotta stop being Saturday lazy…
I go in the back to make some drinks and pick up some food… I come back to the front and it’s black Friday outchea.
I check my list and I got two 4 tops and one 9 top. For non servers it’s how many people are at the table.
So I hit my go to. Take everybody’s drink orders. Serve dat ass…. Take food orders… Serve dat ass… no time for conversations today folk.
Throughout all this mayhem I keep walking round and see this table fulla my people just looking.. every time I pass by they look more irritated.. in my head I would’ve served them until their server had time.. BUT THAT DAY? Ain’t no time Bih
I do another round and Kate comes up to me like “Teddy did you get your other 9 top?”
What other 9 top?
Bruh my soul pop locked outta my body. I just KNEW it was that table fulla annoyed black folk I had been Instagram model Curving since they sat down. They finna unload on my ass.
Sho nuff it was…
Only thing to do now is what My OG server taught me… “Ya’ll look thirsty”
Brought 9 glasses of water to the table.
I apologize to them and begin to take their order and one of my tables are waving frantically for my attention. I go over there:
“My clam chowder tastes off”
Well bitch turn it on I ain’t got time. I’m only giving cold drinks and hot food. YOU should’ve prepared your taste buds for off chowder.
I go in the back to try and attempt to turn these folks frowns upside down…
My composure was skrong tho. In this situation I look to Kate Thinslet cause if she skrong, I’m skrong.
Chadam off in the cut in the midst of a level 5 melt down:
*picks up plate* *puts it back down*
Welp! Don’t have time for that!
*fills cup half way slams it back down*
Don’t have time for that shit either!
The WHOLE KITCHEN FORGOT HOW TO KITCHEN!
You got dishwashers making salads and desserts. Running food out to tables and shit. I was so certain we were gonna go outta business that day.
I look to Kate for that motivation I need to finish strong.
…… Ain’t no motivation bih.
She at the soda machine making drinks crying her spirit out.
“Teddy I don’t know what to do… I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!”
First order of business is to stop crying. 1. Cause you’re better than that and i need you with me right now and 2. You crying into they drinks. Sierra Mist finna be salty as hell.
Bruh.. You know what made things worse.. LeAnne Dimes is CHILLING. I mean fall back game strong. She walking round getting all her orders to her tables effortlessly. Making all us look unstable. Then she got the nerve to say, “it’s getting a little busy isn’t it?”
Shut yo whole ass up I’m bout ready to quit.
Kate Thinslet had to make an executive decision cause we was all finna drown.
She called Trillary Tuff who was working dinner shift and asked if she could come in early cause we was finna be Circuit City in 30 mins… She said she’d be there as fast as she could.
Then she called my homie Slim Carrey and asked if he could come in and bus tables. He let her know he was fresh outta driving school and didn’t have time to stop home.. Sheen care. We needed whatever we could get.
Bruh outchea bussing tables in an Adidas track suit.. EFFORTLESSLY might I add.
Trillary Tuff calls the restaurant while digging in her husband’s ass cause he was driving. “I’m coming as fast as I can ROBBIE DRIVE FASTER!!!”
She gets there and starts getting it done. I mean she got her husband in a white tee and jeans taking folks drink orders! WE SKRONG!!!
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I may not have to quit after all. My tables were not satisfied in the least bit but fuck it they ate…
The calvary arrives… the dinner shift. I made it…
When the shift is over I rewarded myself with the world’s largest fattest blunt… I’m joking… Ribeye and Blue Moon. Manager told me I ain’t have to pay cause she just KNEW I was gon quit… Ya boy did it…
Fuck that day tho…
So as you know I’ve been Papa Bear for 3 weeks and 2 days. Wonderful feeling. I’ve been wanting to blog about the best day of my life but I’ve been knee deep in huggies so I haven’t had the time. But.. TODAY I GOT TIME CUZ!
It all started bout 2am Feb 19th. I woke up and Booski told me she was having some non fictional ass contractions. Me being me…..
I Panicked my ass off.
She tells me to calm down cause they’re not consistent.
I couldn’t sleep so I just played Xbox and monitored her until I had to go to work.
I asked if I needed to call out and tend to her and she goes: “No… Cause you’re gonna get on my nerves and panic. I’m going to work”
Whyyyy is you going to work?!
“Fool this is not a movie, I’m not finna crown in the car. I’m good. Go to work.”
I get to work and I can’t eem sit down.. I’m pacing back n forth nervous as hell.
Work was terribly slow which did not help. I finally get busy at work towards the end of my shift and she’s called twice. When I get to answer the phone:
“Soooo…. Don’t panic… but my contractions are 10 mins apart”
Whyyyyyyy did you wait this long? Ok I’m coming. *starts running nervously*
“Teddy calm down and stop running”
*out of breff like a muhfucka* what? I *pant* ain’t running.
I’m going down 95 so fast OJ Simpson would’ve been SO envious.
I get off the interstate and booski told me to hurry the hell home but get her a Gatorade first. My baby prioritizes.
At the house she’s laying down fresh out the shower contracting like a muhfugga. I’m tryna do breathing exercises sheen feeling em AT ALL.
I’m making her as comfortable as possible…. While timing the contractions… while telling my step son and my 16 year old niece to get ready to go to my mom’s house… While putting the hospital bag that I procrastinated on HEAVILY together…. While her doula is texting me to get her to the hospital ASAP….. While tryna keep cool and not piss myself..
Bruh… I would go to put the bag together and get dressed and hear “Oh Teddy here’s another contraction” and run back to her so she could Hulk squeeze my hand and I could time the contractions.
Bruh if I knew she was that damn strong she’d carry AWWWLLL the groceries when we went to Kroger.
And then…. the fuckin contractions are 4… minutes… apart…
I will not panic… I will NOT panic…. I WILL NOT PANIC…. EEEEYYYYEEEE WILL NOT PANIC… in front of her…
I call my mom and tell her we on the way with the kids but she gotta be outside waiting. I’m doing a cool 45 in a residential area… hit a dukes of hazard turn in the driveway. My mother… Lawd my mother… Standing in the driveway screaming “YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN… SLOW THE HELL DOWN”
I ain’t hearing it. She knock on the passenger side window to Nia like “Tell him to slow down”
Nia was slumped over fighting birth and ain’t even acknowledge my mother.. Can’t blame her.. she kinda has a baby Jehova Witness knocking on her cervix.
I get on the highway.. Still internally nervous. Call the hospital and tell em booski is in labor and we on the way.
“Ok what’s your doctor’s name?”
We’re with the Midwives.
“Well you need to call the Midwives”
Well you need to catch these hands. I ain’t yo damn friend.. When I come in there cussing souls out with my son crowning through some floral leggings tell everyone it’s yo damn fault.
Every contraction I give her my hand… Telling her how great a job she’s doing. I pull up to the ER. Get out. Try to get her out and then…
“OH GOD I NEED TO PUSH”
Check again bruh… I want my son to be hard but not “born onto concrete” hard.
I give the ultimate pep talk:
“Babe you’re doing Soooo good. Let’s reach deep down and channel the trill ass warrior within. Let’s focus on these few steps to the ER and I’ll be strong for you cause you’ve been so strong for me. YOU SKRONG?! WE SKRONG DEN!!!”
My baby Boobie Miled herself to the ER crashed in the first wheelchair we saw and we was OUT to labor and delivery.
Get to the room and get her ready. She on the bed. Rotating tryna find that spot to deliver. She cocked that left leg up and said “This is it.. let’s get it”
Now… I’m squeamish… Like I get light headed during slasher movies… BUT! This my first child. I gotta push that shit to the side cause I’ma witness AWL this.
The Midwife did something and I seen a head fulla hair. The nurse said “Dad.. do you need to step aside and get it together??”
Ya got damn right I do but I’LL BE BACK!
While i was definitely light headed… It was beautiful… I can’t explain it but.. It was breff taking..
I come back with the illest game face and the Midwife told booski to push…
Maaannnn my son slliiiid out like he just integrated the Major Leagues.
I’m in awe.. Making sure everything is good. 2 arms 10 fingers 2 legs 10 toes… I just need to hear my son spit that hot 16 real quick so I can be at peace… He dropped BARS!
I’m in love… I gave life. He was so beautiful and perfect. I fell in love all over again with my lady cause we did it. Those 9 months were so perfect. I’d do it all over again.
We loved all over him and the nurse took him and gave him a shot in his foot and he went Honey Baked.. I said “Get used to it son… Light skin girls tend to do that to you.”
Nurse ain’t find that funny…
Josiah Garrick Reid Adams 9 lbs 5 oz..
Again I apologize for my absence folk. It’s been a long time and I shouldn’t have left ya’ll. I missed ya’ll. I missed blogging. Shit it’s been so long I often thought I ain’t have the juice no more but I guess we finna find out.
As you may or may not know I been outchea, fell in love, messed round and planted a seed. It’s a bruh. His name is “JoJo”. He’ll be here soon.
I won’t eem play myself and pretend like I’m a pro and the best partner outchea BUT! I’m gonna leave some tips and lessons that I’ve learned these past 9 months so that if any of my readers who are also terrible at playing Jenga wind up in the same boat as me won’t titanic that muhfucka. I’m not a professional by no means… I just lived that shit and made it out alive.
Let’s start off with the beast that no one can prepare for no matter how many times you’ve watched Knocked Up.
Them got damn hormones:
As we all know, all women are different. Hormones will whoop yo ass and hers but the emotions may be different. And they vary by trimester.
First Trimester: BOOOOYYYYYYY…This one is fulla doubt and fear. Mind is racing and your flaws stick out and show more red flags then Bill Cosby in a dark nightclub.
“I never noticed but this man kinda ugly”
“Ew his teef ain’t aligned”
“Why yeen tell me you had a 4th cousin that was mentally disabled?!”
Oh yea… She’ll prolly turn up over ANYTHING.
“WHY THE HELL YOU PUT THE BALOGNA IN THE GOT DAMN VEGGIE CRISPER NIGGA!”
Roll with the punches. Now is not the time to get in your feelings. As hard as it may be to put em in time out and shut the entire f**k up. You have to. Don’t throw a rock in the blender of feces that is her emotions… Cause shit’ll literally hit the fan. (Best analogy I got)
If she’s boo hoo’n while telling you that she don’t wanna have a baby with you cause yeen shit… Don’t fret… Just try your best to be shit.
Be SUPPORTIVE and cry later.
In the blink of an eye she’ll be back to loving you. Rub her feet. Grab a bottle of cocoa butter and start a turf war with them damn skretch marks that’s on their way. She’ll appreciate it so much and you get rewarded.
Throughout these emotions. She’ll prolly wanna be grown with you. This is where everything pays off.
“Damn he got that outfit on that I like…. I could prolly get some from him”
What, you finna deny her cause she said yo teef leaning harder than UGK? Didn’t think so.
2nd Trimester she either in love with you or wants to curb stomp you. Aint no in between. She can’t hide the pregnancy no mo. She think she fat (she not.. and bet not tell her if she is)
AGAIN… Don’t beef with her.. Back rubs, foot massages, compliments throughout the day and guess what you finna get? THE CAKES!
She’ll be grown with you some more if you play your cards right.
Now… I hate this muhfuggin 3rd trimester with his stupid ass…
Feces is non fictional at this point. The fact thtmat She finna push yo big headed ass child out is imminent. She can’t hide from it.. All them emotions I mentioned earlier? Ball them hoes up and throw em in an Olympic sized pool of tears. Get ready folk.
Much like the mute boy in “Life” You can’t get right. And you won’t. Just continue to be supportive and massage her and take it the best you can. Keep your feelings out of this cause you’ll prolly get em hurt a few times. You may be able to be grown with her a few times but don’t expect much. Now is the time to channel those lonely summers in high school when you loved yourself unconditionally. DO NOT… DOOOOO NOOOOTTTTT find someone else to be grown with. She’s exhausted carrying round yo child. You’ll be ight. Xvideos will keep you company when she can’t.
Your child can hear so talk to her stomach. Tell your child about how ya’ll met and fell in love. Sing to em. This is the time she’ll appreciate even if she doesn’t tell you. Keep her stress level down to the best of her ability.
I’ve spoken on support but I’ll throw some more detail in there.
Her cravings finna be CRAZY. Don’t question her… Support her. You may find yo piff on this adventure with her.
BRUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH. My old lady fried some grilled cheese up with some maple syrup… Maaayynne. Artery cloggin goodness from Mount Gutmore.
Ladies, this is where getting knocked up by a Big Nigga will work in your favor. Booski woke me up at 3 am saying she had a taste for a croissant, a hot dog with sauerkraut, and a fruit salad. I could be mad that she woke me up… Or I could rejoice cause I just got a pass to get me a Gatorade and some salt and vinegar poke skins at 3 am.
Would I judge her? Naaawwww cause I’ma be knee deep in junk food right next to her. She felt comfortable going ham with me. Sheeiiittt we went to a buffet and tagged each other in and out looking like the got damn Harlem Heat in WCW. Do the same and she’ll appreciate you.
Remind her of how beautiful she is. Tell her that you didn’t think you could love her any more than you could until she carried your child. Pregnancy overall is a very beautiful thing.
Pregnancy is a test. You could Scrooge McDuck dive in all the ups and downs but this is your relationship growing. Enjoy the memories of this adventure. If you’re as lucky as me you’ll be going thru it with your best friend. Nia I luuhhh you.
Sidebar: Aside from being my first child and having him with the love of my life. Jojo is so special to me. If you recall I wrote a blog called Babies & Fools. The meaning behind that, besides my being a fool is that a couple hours before I flipped my car I saw my child for the first time. And while time slowed down and I was praying I said “please don’t let me die and leave my child alone.” I feel like Jojo, Pops, and God were looking out for me. And I can’t wait to give him the world.
Hopefully my return to blogging was fulfilling. Love ya’ll.