My family dynamic is very unusual. I’m the youngest of 4. My dad had my two oldest siblings when he was in college. About 10 years later he had my sister. And then when he turned 40 he decided to have one last rodeo and have ya boy. My oldest brother Quincy Jr was 21 years older than me. Second oldest Ricky 19 years older, sister Ashlee is 9ish years older than me. Outside of the oldest two, we had different moms. Pops got it in, but this ain’t about that. We all loved each other. Personality wise, we kinda paired up but it was still all love. Ricky and Ashlee were close and then even though Quincy Jr was 21 years older than me we were close. Ricky unfortunately passed away in 2012 which put a foot in my ass to keep in touch with my siblings the best I could. Being broke with student loans and eventually a kid, made it difficult to travel to them because I lived I’m VA, Quincy and Ricky lived in Florida, and Ashlee lived in Kentucky.
April 5, 2019 I lost Quincy Jr, as well. My last brother and the one I meshed with. I didn’t realize until later, the void he left in my life.
Shout out to my mother because I was in between jobs at the time but she made it possible for us to drive from VA to Orlando to make his service. The drive down there almost bored me to tears because my mother, God bless her, either listens to Gospel or absolutely nothing, with her tires hitting the road singing background. When I took the wheel I had to beg her to listen to my music with the promise that I would slide Boyz II Men in there cause that’s the only secular music she enjoys. Long story short, 95 South is boring as hell when you can’t listen to trap music and chain smoke.
So we got down there Thursday, checked on my youngest niece and nephew and rested up for the next day.
What came next I was/wasn’t prepared for. Until this point, outside of my maternal Grandmother, every major family member that passed away was cremated. Which made the blow of a death not hit as hard because I didn’t have to look at a body.
When I was given the schedule of how the services were, what stuck out to me was the word,”viewing”. This is my last brother so I can’t not go to every part of his service, but I was worried.
I went to the viewing and as soon as I walked into the church I saw my brother lying there in his casket. I couldn’t see all of him, but I knew what was there, so I tried to keep a low profile and sit in the back of the church as far away from the body as I could. This is the part of the story where I reveal that even though we were 21 years apart. I look JUST. LIKE. MY. BROTHER.
Only thing different is the beard and me being drop dead handsome(he would have laughed at this).
So I’m sitting in this back pew for all of 2.5 seconds and I hear my brother’s sister(who I acknowledge as my sister) Mo’Nique say “That’s Quincy baby brother, don’t he look just like him?”. EVERY BODY TURNED AROUND! So I had to give my love. Mo’Nique hugged me and whispered in my ear “People are gonna get emotional when they see you because you look just like Quincy.” Understatement.
One of my cousins came up to me completely in shock hugging me. My niece who I haven’t seen in years said “You DO look just like my Uncle”.
That’s when it started to hit.
Mo’Nique grabbed my hand and said “Come on let’s look at your brother”. I was initially irritated because I sat in the back to be away from the body. But I realized at 29 years old, it’s time to man up. Death happens and it’s nothing you can run away from.
I went up there with Mo’Nique to look at my brother and at first it messed me up because he looked just like me and my dad. But my brother had been dealing with alot medically and to see him finally at peace and with the Lord was soothing. Not to mention he was CLEEEAAAANNNNN
Shout out to Mo’Nique because she made all of that happen and did it flawlessly.
While I was looking at my brother I had my sister in law Jamia, his wife, and our sister Mo’Nique holding both of my hands. This being new to me, I didn’t know how to react so out of nerves I put a vice grip on both of their hands. Jamia said “Don’t break my hand now, but i got you”. Mo’Nique said “You strong, but I got you”. Seeing them be so strong, kept me intact.
I went to the bathroom to get myself together and when I walked out, these two dudes, who I never met before rolled up on me like:
Them: AYE MAN! Don’t you owe us some money?
Me: Umm… I don’t think so.
Them: Well you look just like the dude that owe us so that’s your debt now. Cool?
I laughed it off and appreciated it cause it lightened the mood. It helped me get through.
Those dudes were my brothers cousins and closest friends. We went outside and shared stories of Quincy Jr. Looked at pictures it was love.
When I came back to the church everyone was sharing stories and memories of my brother.
I’m shy when I first meet people. My brother didn’t know anything about being shy. Everywhere he went he made a friend and let her personality shine. Saying that he was loved is an understatement.
I moved to Orlando for an internship for 6 months and me and brother got REAL close cause I spent alot of my off days together. I remember him driving me around Orlando and so many people knew him. We went to a footlocker so I could blow my check and while I was shopping I heard him talking to the fine ass cashier like “That’s my baby brother over there. He handsome right? Of course he is, he look like me! Go head and give him,your number” Why did that work? Big ups to him, the GOAT.
That’s what he did everywhere around him. If he ain’t know you, he got to know you.
The stories people shared weren’t any different.
The next day was the funeral. I went to his house. When I was walking to this house, people were calling me to their cars like “That’s his baby brother? I wanna meet him”. My oldest niece’s mother saw me walking to the house and her jaw dropped. She said “Oh my God, he even walks like Quincy.”
Now was time to get in the limo and ride to the church. I was in the car with my nieces and nephews. When we walked into the church for the funeral and saw the body one last time it all hit me.
The 21 year difference between Quincy Jr and I was all a blessing. When I was growing up I used to hear my dad say “Well your brother is cutting up in school.” Or any other way I was Wylin. Quincy Jr checked me. When I was over 18 my brother put me on game. He shared his pickup lines with me, that’s why I’m so nice with it now. And when I had a child, he showed me how to be a father. He gave me great advice. I lost a second father, a friend and a brother.
The service was beautiful. Again, shout out to Mo’Nique cause she did the Damn thing.
Ok now ima get funny.
My mama, God bless her soul, she’s doing intermittent fasting, so she doesn’t eat passed a certain time. I asked her to stop me at wawa before the funeral so i could get something to eat. She asked me to get her a pretzel so, and I quote “I have something to put on my stomach so I don’t get light headed at the funeral”. We go outside to take pictures, and we head to the elevator of the church to go up to the repast AANNNNDDD, my mother gets light headed. She’s sitting in a chair passing out, I got a relative on each side that we never met before fanning her off n shit. One relative is like “Baby is she a diabetic? She must not know she diabetic she passing out like this Po thang shoulda ate something”. So my mom and my aunt telling me to bring her back to the hotel to rest. On the FOURTY MINUTE RIDE back to the hotel my mama asking me if she ruined it for me. I’m just like.. “I mean, I was excited to meet relatives I’ve never met before. I understand you passed out because you haven’t eaten in awhile but that’s why I got you that pretzel you haven’t touched since you been at the church. And the remedy for your light headedness was literally an elevator ride upstairs cause they got hella food cause it’s a black repast but yea we can go back to the hotel”.
So at the viewing Mo’Nique told me there was gonna be a gathering after the funeral to really send my brother off right. We had a turn up for him. It was at a community center so we couldn’t have alcohol out in the open but we was all,going to our cars with our to go cups, pouring up. Sharing stories about my brother. It was love.
Ima say this…. You ain’t SEEN a turn up until you played DJ Khaled and Trick Daddy around some Florida niggas… IT’S LIVE!!!
When everything was all said and done, I linked with folks I just met, I hugged and loved on folks. It was amazing. It was love. It was what Quincy Jr would have wanted. Like I said, I look just like that dude. People still have a piece of Quincy Jr in their life,cause they met me. And I have the same cause i met them. I lost my last brother. But my family grew 10 times bigger.
I love you bro. And you don’t have to worry cause you got people holding it down for you. I’m one of em. Rest easy.
Ya’ll know I love my urban legends. When I go outta town I love to try to blend in at local hangouts and see if my ear catches a good story that I can pass on to the world. I was in Far Rockaway Queens and heard a gem I had to share.
This is the story of Hitman TyTy.
For the first 7 years of his life TyTy had a pretty typical upbringing. He was raised by a single mother but she made sure he ain’t go without. She played sports with him, kept his head in the books, danced with him, everything she could do to make sure he was a well rounded kid. Once TyTy turned 8 he got hit with two shockers:
1. He was about to become a big brother
2. He found out he was growing at a faster rate than his peers.
TyTy was so excited to become a big brother that once his little brother Q was born he vowed to protect him at all costs.
TyTy was so protective of Q, that if Q got in trouble they mother would tell TyTy “Sheeiitt you better talk to him before EYE have to”.
When Q began going to school, he had some bullies who picked on him for being too clean cut. You know bullies are so pitiful they just find a reason to pick on you even if it’s because your pants are always creased and you keep a collared shirt.
Once Q told TyTy, he would roll up on em and check em. But 13 year old TyTy wasn’t the type to just beat up a 5 year old for picking on his brother. He believed in equal street justice. He would tell em “YO, go get your older brother, cousin, young Uncle, or WHOEVER, to come get this asswhoopin you signed up for…. You got 30 mins.” And TyTy would straight up play action figures, Pokemon cards or whatever with Q until the bully showed up with an opponent.
At 13 TyTy stood about 6ft even, 180 all muscle. MF was built like 2Pac’s Hologram. So he obviously had no problem dusting off his opponent.
Knowing that TyTy was completely capable of distributing a fade to people’s big brothers, cousins, or Uncle’s, Q started just picking fights with random children around Far Rockaway cause he KNEW his action figure built brother TyTy would handle it with ease.
After a good 15-0 record, the only children or big brothers of Far Rockaway would approach Q inquiring about his brothers services. Q started charging em $10 a profit and made BANK!
While TyTy was busy knocking mfs out he felt this void in his life. He would be mentally empty during his fights. Could you imagine getting the Sonic rings knocked outta yo ass by a nigga with a straight face? That does damage to your self esteem. He is unfazed by whoopin yo ass. All these fades he distributed earned him the name “Hitman TyTy”.
The void missing from Hitman TyTy’s life was something he picked up from his mother,before Q came along…. TyTy wanted to dance.
TyTy was an EXCELLENT dancer. And he became emotionally numb because nobody ever asked “Aye TyTy, bust a move for me real quick.” They always said “TyTy I got another mf you need to dust off.” He felt like people just hooked him up to a console and said “Down down forward forward punch.” He needed someone to care.
One day after easily knocking an opponent out for his brother, TyTy had extra energy built up that he needed to let out. So he went to the alley and started doing his favorite dance routine, “If it isn’t love” by New Edition. While he was busting the illest moves that Far Rockaway had NEVER seen, a dude named Eddie Moore happened to walk by and see these moves. Mr. Moore told 17 year old TyTy, “when you’re looking at colleges your senior year, keep Virginia State University in mind, we could use someone like you to liven the events.”
TyTy initially ignored Mr. Moore. Instead, he decided to get into some underground dance battles while he wasn’t knocking MFs nuts in the sand. See, the problem was, out in the open, TyTy had all the dance moves for any MF who wanted smoke. But most of these dance battles were held in small basements and TyTy’s 6’4 235lb frame would just knock shit over and scrape his knuckles when he did hard turns and shit. He couldn’t live up to his full potential in these basements.
At one battle TyTy was participating in, TyTy was completely murdering his opponent. But, he hit a 720 degree spin and wound up slapping the shit outta 6 people in,the audience. One member of the audience included Mr. Moore. Fortunately for TyTy, Mr. Moore was more impressed than bruised and explained to TyTy that if he brought his talents to VSU, not only would he have all the open space on the yard to hit any degree spin he wished, he would also have choreographical immunity on anyone he accidentally slapped. This was very tempting but TyTy didn’t wanna leave his mom and Q and go all the way to Petersburg VA.
One night TyTy’s mama was peeking in his room while he was saying his prayers before he went to sleep. TyTy said “Dear Lord, please bless my little brother Q and his friends, and please, please, please, let their opponents ask for a dance battle instead so I can show off my new moves instead of knocking them suckas out. Amen son.” TyTy’s mother heard this and was instantly moved to tears. Her son put protecting his brother and his friends against his own dreams. She had to protect her oldest boys dreams and told him that, his brother would always be protected by his prayers, but now it’s time for TyTy to live out his dreams. Q was now big enough to carry the fade load from TyTy.
TyTy, listened. And reluctantly he moved to Petersburg. Initially, he was afraid to break his NY moves off to the city of Petersburg, but after awhile he had created quite the name for himself on the dancing scene. Hitman TyTy had now become “TippyToe Ty.”. And any event that went down on VSU’s campus, please believe TippyToe Ty was in the building shutting it down with his moves.
It’s been a few years since the days of Hitman TyTy, but I hear that TippyToe Ty now works at a school counseling the underprivileged youth to not bully their peers. But he always still finds a way to stop the current bullies in their tracks while showing a group of them what HE used to do bullies and their older brothers, cousins and, Uncles, back in the day. His teaching methods have reportedly, lowered the bullying rate…. All while he busts the ILLEST move…. I don’t know TippyToe Ty, but I wouldn’t try to serve him in a rap battle either.
“Master Bela5000”, said Facebookie. “If I had to judge your performance on the message you sent Princess Taroro I would give you 10 out of 10 stars, stand up job.”
“Ok Niglax”, said Bela5000. “Stop acting like a Grammoid and give me your opinion just give it to me straight.”
“Well excuse the Shatner out of me, I was going to say that you laid your game quite flat. And even though now I wish otherwise because you decided to be a jerk, she responded quite gracefully to your shot. She has sent her communication number and has requested a time and place for you two to meet up in the near future.”
Tedronicus was hype, but played it cool for his droids. He jump started the communication with Taroro, and found out that they actually shared a lot in common. Eventually, Tedronicus and Taroro decided to meet up in a neutral planet Downtown that was conveniently placed between the Educational Galaxy and the Hoodustrious Galaxy. The meet up went smooth, spent over Margaritians and Tacos.
After a few Margaritians, Tedronicus became bold enough to ask if more meet ups lied ahead in their future. Taroro replied with a subtle, “Oh yea.”. Tedronicus, being the overthinker that he is, decided not to pursue this venture because he was simply, unsure. And, coming from a Scorpion background, Tedronicus required assurance.
Low and behold, Taroro contacted him for another venture. She told him to pick the place. Not being familiar with many hangout spots in the area he suggested a local bar that he frequents on the PregoTrim Nebula called “The Wild Zinnia Cafe”. Tedronicus goes to this bar, but he makes sure to keep a low profile. See, the problem with Wild Zinnia is that many of the regulars there are from the Red Hatted MAGAnite species. The problem with MAGAnites is that they have this strange allergic reaction to a pheromone that secretes from melanin. Scientifically, it can’t be explained, but it has something to do with a command from the MAGAnite leader.
The regular MAGAnites at Wild Zinnia have forcefully tolerated the melanin secretions of Tedronicus, but he was fearful of how they would react to the new, unfamiliar secretions of Princess Taroro’s melanin. To Tedronicus’ surprise, The MAGAnites tolerated Taroro’s melanin as well! What Tedronicus later found out was that Princess Taroro, much like him, had the ability to adapt to different situations, unlike some people that he had visited the Wild Zinnia with, whom, with a certain triggering look from MAGAnites would threaten to “Air this bitchnoid out”. Taroro being adaptable, meant that she could make friends in ANY situation, and she did no different with the Red Hatted MAGAnites.
Tedronicus was smitten with how well Princess Taroro stole the hearts of those MAGAnites. They sung Karaoke and received standing ovations. They took the dance floor over, they shut the bitchnoid DOWN! Tedronicus and Princess Taroro started hanging out more frequently and he was just completely enamored at how thorough her adaptability was. It completely surpassed his.
Soon, the Valentine’s Moon was set to orbit the Planet of Boygetout and Tedronicus wanted Taroro to celebrate it with him. She was with it because their previous interactions had been so great. Tedronicus wanted to do something out of the ordinary to celebrate so he suggested going to The Southside of the Galaxy to visit the hypest strip club in the area, “The Milky Way”. They drank on the sweet nectar of Heinekrizz and made a Geomagnetic Storm with all the dollar bills they threw up in the sky. I mean, between the storm and how they made the turn up coagulate, they was the life of the party. Which is hard to do in a strip club, let alone The Milky Way. Between the Southside Socialites and The Deathstick dealers, they had big shoes to fill but they filled them bitchnoids.
Shit was lit…..
In a galaxy waaaaaayyyyy the f*ck outchea on the planet Boygetout, lived a young man named Tedronicus Bela5000. Tedronicus was a simple terrestrial who spent most of his time teaching misfit youths how to perform in the regular society at a School called The Boygetout Institute & Training Center for Hopefuls. B.I.T.C.H as the locals refer to it. When Tedronicus wasn’t teaching, he was spending time with his son, JoJovian. Tedronicus was initially complacent with his simple life on Boygetout, but he realized there was a void in his life that had yet to be filled. Tedronicus wanted a mate. His first attempts at finding a mate were made at Boygetout’s local watering holes. Tedronicus knew that these locations had little to no potential mates (because they were located on the PregoTrim Nebula) but he was still able to brush up on the game that he once had during his single phase. The PregoTrim Nebula was a dark, dark place. Once a small yet beautiful region known for inhabitants who had a vast amount of potential, the people of the PregoTrim Nebula had one weakness, the men and women were extremely fertile. Fertile, and eager to pollinate. Tedronicus had went away to college and during those 4 years, most of PregoTrim’s citizens had spread younglings far across the Nebula and their were little to no people who have remained vacant. Finding it difficult to join the ranks, Tedronicus found it hard to fight the toxins that the foliage of PregoTrim excreted, also fell victim to the youngling outbreak, which brought him his blessing of JoJovian. Tedronicus hadn’t given up hope to find a mate. Tedronicus knew he could not find a mate on his own so he enlisted the help of two droids he picked up on the a local junker planet. These droids were, Tindertron and Bumblebot. Embedded in the databases of these two droids were profiles of the single women in the PregoTrim Nebula. Having no luck initially, Tedronicus began matching with some of these inabitants and had started going on dates. Little did Tedronicus know that these matches would take him lightyears away from his comfort zone. His very first date was with a young lady named Yolandobatios from the dangerous planet of CreightonCourtreo. Tedronicus was pretty familiar with the PregoTrim Nebula but was unfamiliar with certain parts outside of Boygetout. Being a gentleman, he insisted on providing transportation for this date. The date itself went well, as he had picked up Yolandobatios while the sun was out. But he apparently dropped her off while the wrong moon was in the sky because he encountered something he was never prepared for. He pulled up to her house in CreightonCourteo and there was hundreds of inhabitants scattered across the planet that he had not seen when he picked up Yolandobatios. While they were in their car conversing, a gentleman formally known by the planet as, Blackticon had joined the hoard outside. One of Blackticon’s comrades obnoxiously yelled “Blackticon! Is that not the women you bore three children with talking to that Niglax in the car?!”. “Niglax, that is in fact, Yolandobatios, the woman that I bore three children with talking to that Niglax in the car”, responded Blackticon. “That Niglax must not know about me and what I do in CreightonCourteo, but I’ll provide an example for him!”. After Tedronicus bid Yolandobatios farewell, he quickly ejected her from his vehicle, but not before receiving a few holes in his back passenger door from Blackticon’s Neuron Blaster. Needless to say, you couldn’t pay Tedronicus to return to CreightonCourteo.
Tedronicus hadn’t fully given up on The PregoTrim Nebula, hoping that he would find a diamond in the rough. One day, while using his Tindertron droid, Tedronicus struck GOLD. He matched with ROYALTY!!! A young lady named Princess Taroro, originally from The Broadrocktion Planet. Tedronicus didn’t treat this match lightly as he was immediately enamored by her beauty and IMMEDIATELY shot his shot at her. To his surprise, his shot landed! Princess Taroro was actually interested in Tedronicus. The two had a great back and forth conversation until…… Taroro ghosted him… I mean straight left Tedronicus in the dust. Planet L Occupation: This Niglax. However, Tedronicus, being born under the Scorpion Moon(Shut your mouth) had the ability to take dating L’s in stride. He went back to his droids, Tindertron and Bumblebot and went back to swiping left and right on them hoesars.
Fortunately, Tedronicus found some inhabitants of The PregoTrim Nebula who could at least help him have fun during the summer. Once Summer was over, Tedronicus was lonely again. One day, his most faithful and loyal droid, Facebookie, whom he carried with him whoever he went because his database held every encounted that Tedronicus went on since 2007 and had Terabytes of information that even Tedronicus wasn’t aware, was there to assist him. MasterBela5000, I think you might want to take a gander at my “People you may know” feature because it might have something you’d be interested in. The usual people he may know consisted of inhabitants with bad PH balances and horrid morals that even he was unable to cosign, but he checked anyway. To his surprise, Princess Taroro was amongst the people that he may have known. Tedronicus toyed back and forth of adding Princess Taroro to Facebookie but he eventually told the droid to send her a request and see what it do. To his surprise, the Princess accepted! Not wanting to seem eager, Tedronicus waited to see if any of his witty status updates and incredibly humorous posts would intrigue the Princess. Once a few of them did, he decided to re-rack and attempt to shoot another shot at Taroro via Facebookie. A few days later, Facebookie says, “Master 5000, you have a new message.”. Visibly annoyed by the relayed information by Facebookie that he repeatedly receives daily, Tedronicus replies “Ok Nigloid, AND?! It’s probably another chain letter from my old ass brother Quincycon Junior!”. “Quite the contrary Master Bela5000, it’s from Princess Taroro regarding your shot.”. Tedronicus, reluctant to catch another L, commands Facebookie to open the letter…. Princess Taroro said…..
To Be Continued…..
So currently I work at a high school. It’s fun for the most part because you think about how crazy these kids are and you SWEAR you weren’t like that in high school but you were… You totally were.
A couple of weeks ago, I was doing lunch duty and a teacher came up to me and said another staff member was holding a kid back in the lunch line and looked like he needed help. This school so well behaved there’s NEVER any action so I was all for it. I went over there and it was my patnah holding a student back but he said the student calmed down so he let him go… The student had not, in fact, calmed down. He went back to The student and got in his face.
Now the student that bruh was holding back was bigger. He wasn’t fat but he was built like Cole on Martin. So I’ll call him Thick Flair. The dude he was going after was smaller but I’ve seen him play football and he was scrappy so I had no clue how stuff would go down.
So Flair gets back in dudes face and they talking trash but lil bruh said he ain’t want no problems. Well Flair decided that he wanted some problems that day. Flair pushed him and lil bruh decided that this was NOT finna be a shoving contest and called what I like to refer to as, “The Hands audible”. Lil bruh just started throwing them things. Quick too. Flair tried to throw some haymakers but whenever he cocked back Dwyane Fade already tagged him twice so Flair missed every punch he threw. The lunch lady screaming slamming her hands on the bar going ham. Mashed potatoes and gravy flying everywhere
Me and my patnah ran over to break it up, of course he walked outta the cafeteria with the winner. I had to pick Flair ass off the floor. He leaning all on me like Jordan when he finished the Flu Game. In my head I’m like “Damn bruh he ain’t give you no body shots why you limping?” He holding his eye like “Nahh my eye it just swell up real easy”. I took him to the office to seal his fate.
Me and my patnah got back in line the lunch lady was like “I.. I just didn’t know what to do so I started banging and screaming to get someone’s attention for help.”
We was right there tho….
Another male staff who walked over there with me and straight disappeared once the fight broke out was like, “Yea Mr. Such and such has a few inches on me so I felt He was better equipped to handle it”.
You taller than me tho….
Flair got suspended for 10 days so this past week he came back to school.I was curious about how he was gonna handle his return and all the Q&A that came with it so I kept a close eye on him. I took the ONE required psychology class in college so I was very well educated on the stages of Fade Grief.
I’m standing in the hallway in between classes and another student goes up to Flair like “Where you been bruh?”
I got suspended.
“Damn bruh what you do”
*shakes head and walks off into a crowd*
Flair class wasn’t even in that direction he just didn’t wanna relive those moments. I ain’t messy so I couldn’t scream out “OH HE GOT SOAKED IN THE LUNCH LINE LIKE SOME DAY OLD DIRTY DISHES”
Flair was in denial. And who am I to give him a reality check?
ANGER: Bruh was just mad at everybody who wasn’t D. Fade. He felt like he needed a W. And anybody who wasn’t D. Fade could get it…. Except for D. Fade. I later found out that Flair is a 19 year old freshman and D. Fade is 15 or 16. So getting rinsed by someone who can’t technically see a Rated R movie without his mama while you outchea buying blacks and lottery tickets is arguably frustrating.
BARGAINING: Bruh was def heard saying “Man I swear on everything I love if I ever see that nigga outside of school ima get mine.”. This wasn’t one of those fights up for debate… It was obvious he was outmatched. But who was I to tell bruh “All fades matter”.
DEPRESSION: This one stuck out to me like Rachel Dolezal at a Solange concert. I stood behind bruh in the SAME lunch line he caught the fade in. He leaning against the wall, shoulders all slumped over. Got his hoodie on and tied tight. Normally I’m supposed to tell him to pull his hood down but this kinda fade is probably the worst kinda bad hair day you could have.
Ba Dum Tss
Unfortunately, we have yet to reach the acceptance stage. He’s a lil young so it may take awhile. Maybe during spring break he can watch a few Worldstar fight compilations and see that their is life after fades.
Only time will tell…
My name is Teddy Belafonte.
*crowd goes* Hi Teddy Belafonte
And I’m fat….At first I was in denial, “No, that was quite the staircase you just climbed bruh” “your bones is big” “It’s a common complaint that it’s hard to tie your shoes when wearing Old Navy jeans” but I’ve finally come to accept the fact that I am indeed fat.
I was changing my son’s diaper, and he started kicking my man titty like it was a speed bag.. Just smiling not knowing he just betrayed daddy.
So since I’m on Christmas break from work, might as well start going to the gym before all the New Year New Me folk, Right?
So yesterday I get my playlist right, and head on over to the gym. First time I been since JoJo was in utero and he’ll be 2 in February so it’s been quite a minute. I walk in, vibe still feels the same. Figured I might as well try to get with my own routine if I remember correctly.:
- Weight room
- Die in the car
So first I jumped on some free weights to get myself going… Start off a little light. Then I saw the bench was open. It was time for the moment of truth. See back when I did go to the gym often I maxed out at 415lbs(gloats). Wasn’t stupid enough to try that again however I figured I could do half. So I put 205 on the bar. Lift it up, ok not so bad, bring it back down, “alright Teddy you can do 10” By rep 3 I realized that was a terrible mistake but I kept pushing. At rep 6 I told myself that no one had been counting so let’s just call this 10 right here. I get up… And my whole right titty cramped up. I just knew this was a heart attack and I brought it on myself so I couldn’t be mad. I just walked to the locker room to cardiac arrest in peace and not cause a scene. And to my surprise I didn’t die AND there wasn’t any naked old white dudes in there.
Back to the weight room. I recognized and accepted that I am not who I once was. I took it fairly easy on the weights after that. Broke a good sweat. Now it was time for that punk ass mf named Cardio.
Not much to say about my cardio experience except it was harder than the fight against systemic racism. I did a mile in 15 minutes and you can kiss my ass. That 15 minutes felt like a lifetime… I jumped straight off the machine…. And walked my ass to the car.. That’s the cool down. I was tired as all hell. You know I was tired cause I got outta breath if I mashed the gas too hard in the car.
I’m driving to pick up Jojo from the baby sitter and I get this feeling in my stomach that I unfortunately know all too well.
So I get this cramp in my stomach like where abs would be if I had them. So I lean back to try to alleviate that one. Then I get one in my back from leaning that way. Then I get one in my side.. Then I get one on the other side. Now I’m behind the wheel, on the road, whole torso locked up looking like I’m doing the Thriller dance routine. I don’t know how I made it to the baby sitters house but I did. Fortunately, she’s a friend of mine so I wasn’t too embarrassed to be in her driveway on the brink of tears looking like i’m in active labor.
Babysitter: Ummm… You want me to call your mama??
Me*in pain*: No she’s out of town she can’t do anything.
BS: You…. Want me to call Jo’s mother?
Me *in pain*: No… she’ll probably smile and tell you to poke me… I just… Do you have any bananas?
So I tried to drink as much water as I could while she went into the house to find a banana… Still slumped over in the car… Can’t keep all the water in my mouth.. She comes back like “Well.. it’s not exactly a banana”.
So I’m in this chicks driveway eating a jar of banana babyfood wearing a hoodie soaked in drool, water, and tears and this just wasn’t what I expected of my life at 27. I don’t understand how people work out for fun. Then I looked at JoJo and realized that I need to be here for him. I need to run around with him, play with him without getting tired, Show him how to play sports, and look good enough to confuse whatever girl he brings over to the house.
So with that being said…. I’ll be back in that shithole tomorrow… Bananas on deck…
This summer after a couple of interesting run ins I’ve had with those of the taupe persuasion I’ve decided to write down things I heard that made me go “hmmmm”, made my ass itch, or gave me chest pains… I’ve decided to share what I have so far. I will warn you now, this isn’t like my usual blogs.
This lady at my job begged me not to take offense to a story she was about to tell me. I’m thinking she’s about to retell Uncle Tom’s children in her own words. She only said “this young black girl….”.
I was waiting a table and this guy knocked his drink over. He said “I’m sorry please blame,this on the alcohol….. And not the crack cocaine I had earlier”
I filled out an application to rent a house and the guy said “we’re not looking for anything specific on the background check. As long as you aren’t a blood or crip or something like that.”………. I didn’t get the house.
There’s a small table outside of work and people keep their cigarettes in the drawer. I opened the drawer to grab one and the guy who was performing on the patio walked by and asked if that’s where i keep the weed.
For the first time since my son was born I was asked “so what does your wife do?” instead of, “are you still with your baby mama?” I’m not married but still.
My co-workers called this guy a racist and got pissed because he referred to me as the big black guy.
This lady ordered steamed shrimp to go. Her name was Latoya. My coworker picked up the order to take out of the kitchen and… “I got an order for Lato- OOooooo Latoya gonna get her skrimps giiirrrlll”
We give out glasses and a glass bottle of water to tables when they first arrive. This lady asked for ice water. So I brought her ice. Because water was already on the table. She got upset and asked for a new server.
I then found out that it wasn’t uncommon for people to ask for “anyone but the black guy” when they walk in. I’ve been here for 4 years.
Yesterday a man was killed while he was waiting for his son at the bus stop. As is most situations the cop will probably get a paid vacation. This lady just said that the world needs to watch Remember the Titans.
A lot of white people are bringing up MLK and saying they wished he was back…. I do too but only so I could hear a collective “Wait, what???”
I came back to work someone told me they had a huge debate about black people after work the night before… I dont know if I’m thankful that I was off or if I regret not being there.
Someone told me “Bye Felicia” and I asked them to name 5 characters from Friday…. They could not.
In my book of life. If I wrote a chapter about this summer it would be titled, “Not to sound Racist, but”…… I need this job though