Touch That Link, Folk

Archive for February, 2019

Hitman TyTy

Ya’ll know I love my urban legends. When I go outta town I love to try to blend in at local hangouts and see if my ear catches a good story that I can pass on to the world. I was in Far Rockaway Queens and heard a gem I had to share.

This is the story of Hitman TyTy.

For the first 7 years of his life TyTy had a pretty typical upbringing. He was raised by a single mother but she made sure he ain’t go without. She played sports with him, kept his head in the books, danced with him, everything she could do to make sure he was a well rounded kid. Once TyTy turned 8 he got hit with two shockers:

1. He was about to become a big brother

2. He found out he was growing at a faster rate than his peers.

TyTy was so excited to become a big brother that once his little brother Q was born he vowed to protect him at all costs.

TyTy was so protective of Q, that if Q got in trouble they mother would tell TyTy “Sheeiitt you better talk to him before EYE have to”.

When Q began going to school, he had some bullies who picked on him for being too clean cut. You know bullies are so pitiful they just find a reason to pick on you even if it’s because your pants are always creased and you keep a collared shirt.

Once Q told TyTy, he would roll up on em and check em. But 13 year old TyTy wasn’t the type to just beat up a 5 year old for picking on his brother. He believed in equal street justice. He would tell em “YO, go get your older brother, cousin, young Uncle, or WHOEVER, to come get this asswhoopin you signed up for…. You got 30 mins.” And TyTy would straight up play action figures, Pokemon cards or whatever with Q until the bully showed up with an opponent.

At 13 TyTy stood about 6ft even, 180 all muscle. MF was built like 2Pac’s Hologram. So he obviously had no problem dusting off his opponent.

Knowing that TyTy was completely capable of distributing a fade to people’s big brothers, cousins, or Uncle’s, Q started just picking fights with random children around Far Rockaway cause he KNEW his action figure built brother TyTy would handle it with ease.

After a good 15-0 record, the only children or big brothers of Far Rockaway would approach Q inquiring about his brothers services. Q started charging em $10 a profit and made BANK!

While TyTy was busy knocking mfs out he felt this void in his life. He would be mentally empty during his fights. Could you imagine getting the Sonic rings knocked outta yo ass by a nigga with a straight face? That does damage to your self esteem. He is unfazed by whoopin yo ass. All these fades he distributed earned him the name “Hitman TyTy”.

The void missing from Hitman TyTy’s life was something he picked up from his mother,before Q came along…. TyTy wanted to dance.

TyTy was an EXCELLENT dancer. And he became emotionally numb because nobody ever asked “Aye TyTy, bust a move for me real quick.” They always said “TyTy I got another mf you need to dust off.” He felt like people just hooked him up to a console and said “Down down forward forward punch.” He needed someone to care.

One day after easily knocking an opponent out for his brother, TyTy had extra energy built up that he needed to let out. So he went to the alley and started doing his favorite dance routine, “If it isn’t love” by New Edition. While he was busting the illest moves that Far Rockaway had NEVER seen, a dude named Eddie Moore happened to walk by and see these moves. Mr. Moore told 17 year old TyTy, “when you’re looking at colleges your senior year, keep Virginia State University in mind, we could use someone like you to liven the events.”

TyTy initially ignored Mr. Moore. Instead, he decided to get into some underground dance battles while he wasn’t knocking MFs nuts in the sand. See, the problem was, out in the open, TyTy had all the dance moves for any MF who wanted smoke. But most of these dance battles were held in small basements and TyTy’s 6’4 235lb frame would just knock shit over and scrape his knuckles when he did hard turns and shit. He couldn’t live up to his full potential in these basements.

At one battle TyTy was participating in, TyTy was completely murdering his opponent. But, he hit a 720 degree spin and wound up slapping the shit outta 6 people in,the audience. One member of the audience included Mr. Moore. Fortunately for TyTy, Mr. Moore was more impressed than bruised and explained to TyTy that if he brought his talents to VSU, not only would he have all the open space on the yard to hit any degree spin he wished, he would also have choreographical immunity on anyone he accidentally slapped. This was very tempting but TyTy didn’t wanna leave his mom and Q and go all the way to Petersburg VA.

One night TyTy’s mama was peeking in his room while he was saying his prayers before he went to sleep. TyTy said “Dear Lord, please bless my little brother Q and his friends, and please, please, please, let their opponents ask for a dance battle instead so I can show off my new moves instead of knocking them suckas out. Amen son.” TyTy’s mother heard this and was instantly moved to tears. Her son put protecting his brother and his friends against his own dreams. She had to protect her oldest boys dreams and told him that, his brother would always be protected by his prayers, but now it’s time for TyTy to live out his dreams. Q was now big enough to carry the fade load from TyTy.

TyTy, listened. And reluctantly he moved to Petersburg. Initially, he was afraid to break his NY moves off to the city of Petersburg, but after awhile he had created quite the name for himself on the dancing scene. Hitman TyTy had now become “TippyToe Ty.”. And any event that went down on VSU’s campus, please believe TippyToe Ty was in the building shutting it down with his moves.

It’s been a few years since the days of Hitman TyTy, but I hear that TippyToe Ty now works at a school counseling the underprivileged youth to not bully their peers. But he always still finds a way to stop the current bullies in their tracks while showing a group of them what HE used to do bullies and their older brothers, cousins and, Uncles, back in the day. His teaching methods have reportedly, lowered the bullying rate…. All while he busts the ILLEST move…. I don’t know TippyToe Ty, but I wouldn’t try to serve him in a rap battle either.


Tedronicus Bela5000 Pt. 2

“Master Bela5000”, said Facebookie.  “If I had to judge your performance on the message you sent Princess Taroro I would give you 10 out of 10 stars, stand up job.”

“Ok Niglax”, said Bela5000. “Stop acting like a Grammoid and give me your opinion just give it to me straight.”

“Well excuse the Shatner out of me, I was going to say that you laid your game quite flat. And even though now I wish otherwise because you decided to be a jerk, she responded quite gracefully to your shot. She has sent her communication number and has requested a time and place for you two to meet up in the near future.”

Tedronicus was hype, but played it cool for his droids. He jump started the communication with Taroro, and found out that they actually shared a lot in common. Eventually, Tedronicus and Taroro decided to meet up in a neutral planet Downtown that was conveniently placed between the Educational Galaxy and the Hoodustrious Galaxy. The meet up went smooth, spent over Margaritians and Tacos.

After a few Margaritians, Tedronicus became bold enough to ask if more meet ups lied ahead in their future. Taroro replied with a subtle, “Oh yea.”. Tedronicus, being the overthinker that he is, decided not to pursue this venture because he was simply, unsure. And, coming from a Scorpion background, Tedronicus required assurance.

Low and behold, Taroro contacted him for another venture. She told him to pick the place. Not being familiar with many hangout spots in the area he suggested a local bar that he frequents on the PregoTrim Nebula called “The Wild Zinnia Cafe”. Tedronicus goes to this bar, but he makes sure to keep a low profile. See, the problem with Wild Zinnia is that many of the regulars there are from the Red Hatted MAGAnite species. The problem with MAGAnites is that they have this strange allergic reaction to a pheromone that secretes from melanin. Scientifically, it can’t be explained, but it has something to do with a command from the MAGAnite leader.

The regular MAGAnites at Wild Zinnia have forcefully tolerated the melanin secretions of Tedronicus, but he was fearful of how they would react to the new, unfamiliar secretions of Princess Taroro’s melanin. To Tedronicus’ surprise, The MAGAnites tolerated  Taroro’s melanin as well! What Tedronicus later found out was that Princess Taroro, much like him, had the ability to adapt to different situations, unlike some people that he had visited the Wild Zinnia with, whom, with a certain triggering look from MAGAnites would threaten to “Air this bitchnoid out”.  Taroro being adaptable, meant that she could make friends in ANY situation, and she did no different with the Red Hatted MAGAnites.

Tedronicus was smitten with how well Princess Taroro stole the hearts of those MAGAnites. They sung Karaoke and received standing ovations. They took the dance floor over, they shut the bitchnoid DOWN! Tedronicus and Princess Taroro started hanging out more frequently and he was just completely enamored at how thorough her adaptability was. It completely surpassed his.

Soon, the Valentine’s Moon was set to orbit the Planet of Boygetout and Tedronicus wanted Taroro to celebrate it with him. She was with it because their previous interactions had been so great. Tedronicus wanted to do something out of the ordinary to celebrate so he suggested going to The Southside of the Galaxy to visit the hypest strip club in the area, “The Milky Way”. They drank on the sweet nectar of Heinekrizz and made a Geomagnetic Storm with all the dollar bills they threw up in the sky. I mean, between the storm and how they made the turn up coagulate, they was the life of the party. Which is hard to do in a strip club, let alone The Milky Way. Between the Southside Socialites and The Deathstick dealers, they had big shoes to fill but they filled them bitchnoids.

Shit was lit…..