My name is Teddy Belafonte.
*crowd goes* Hi Teddy Belafonte
And I’m fat….At first I was in denial, “No, that was quite the staircase you just climbed bruh” “your bones is big” “It’s a common complaint that it’s hard to tie your shoes when wearing Old Navy jeans” but I’ve finally come to accept the fact that I am indeed fat.
I was changing my son’s diaper, and he started kicking my man titty like it was a speed bag.. Just smiling not knowing he just betrayed daddy.
So since I’m on Christmas break from work, might as well start going to the gym before all the New Year New Me folk, Right?
So yesterday I get my playlist right, and head on over to the gym. First time I been since JoJo was in utero and he’ll be 2 in February so it’s been quite a minute. I walk in, vibe still feels the same. Figured I might as well try to get with my own routine if I remember correctly.:
- Weight room
- Die in the car
So first I jumped on some free weights to get myself going… Start off a little light. Then I saw the bench was open. It was time for the moment of truth. See back when I did go to the gym often I maxed out at 415lbs(gloats). Wasn’t stupid enough to try that again however I figured I could do half. So I put 205 on the bar. Lift it up, ok not so bad, bring it back down, “alright Teddy you can do 10” By rep 3 I realized that was a terrible mistake but I kept pushing. At rep 6 I told myself that no one had been counting so let’s just call this 10 right here. I get up… And my whole right titty cramped up. I just knew this was a heart attack and I brought it on myself so I couldn’t be mad. I just walked to the locker room to cardiac arrest in peace and not cause a scene. And to my surprise I didn’t die AND there wasn’t any naked old white dudes in there.
Back to the weight room. I recognized and accepted that I am not who I once was. I took it fairly easy on the weights after that. Broke a good sweat. Now it was time for that punk ass mf named Cardio.
Not much to say about my cardio experience except it was harder than the fight against systemic racism. I did a mile in 15 minutes and you can kiss my ass. That 15 minutes felt like a lifetime… I jumped straight off the machine…. And walked my ass to the car.. That’s the cool down. I was tired as all hell. You know I was tired cause I got outta breath if I mashed the gas too hard in the car.
I’m driving to pick up Jojo from the baby sitter and I get this feeling in my stomach that I unfortunately know all too well.
So I get this cramp in my stomach like where abs would be if I had them. So I lean back to try to alleviate that one. Then I get one in my back from leaning that way. Then I get one in my side.. Then I get one on the other side. Now I’m behind the wheel, on the road, whole torso locked up looking like I’m doing the Thriller dance routine. I don’t know how I made it to the baby sitters house but I did. Fortunately, she’s a friend of mine so I wasn’t too embarrassed to be in her driveway on the brink of tears looking like i’m in active labor.
Babysitter: Ummm… You want me to call your mama??
Me*in pain*: No she’s out of town she can’t do anything.
BS: You…. Want me to call Jo’s mother?
Me *in pain*: No… she’ll probably smile and tell you to poke me… I just… Do you have any bananas?
So I tried to drink as much water as I could while she went into the house to find a banana… Still slumped over in the car… Can’t keep all the water in my mouth.. She comes back like “Well.. it’s not exactly a banana”.
So I’m in this chicks driveway eating a jar of banana babyfood wearing a hoodie soaked in drool, water, and tears and this just wasn’t what I expected of my life at 27. I don’t understand how people work out for fun. Then I looked at JoJo and realized that I need to be here for him. I need to run around with him, play with him without getting tired, Show him how to play sports, and look good enough to confuse whatever girl he brings over to the house.
So with that being said…. I’ll be back in that shithole tomorrow… Bananas on deck…