The Mother’s Day Massacre
Happy Belated Mother’s Day to all of the mother’s out there you are greatly appreciated and I hope it was shown. Nooooooowwwww let’s get to the foolishness.
This Mother’s Day I was out of town with the BM and kids and her gift was late shipping and i, unfortunately have yet to receive it. So I bought flowers the night before but I had to do more to compensate. I figured I could at least make it so she didn’t have to be knee deep in Huggies the whole day so I was on diaper duty. JoJo was actually lenient on his pops. Just a bunch of wet diapers nothing crazy the whole 2 hour trip home. Once we got home I went out to pick up some dinner for us.
Earlier throughout the day I was thinking to myself “You always see those pictures of babies who had crazy diaper blowouts and had crazy colored booboo going up their backs and Jo made it 15 months so far without going crazy.. I have a good baby.”
So you know where I’m going with this story.
Once I return from hunting and gathering I walk in to JoJo doing his usual living room shuffle while saying “Hey DaDa, Hey DaDa”
I’m on my way into the room and this awful stench hits my nose. Does the garbage need to go out?! Is JoJo being weirdly defiant today and dropping deuces on the carpet?! I can’t find the source.
Then the source waddles past me shouting “Aaaayyyyeeee baaayybeeeeee” I look as he walks by annnndddd Pastor Hershey Thomas is making an appearance all the way to the middle of his back. This is my nightmare.
I had to get my HAZMAT suit and prepare the bathroom for this catastrophe so I threw him in his playpen.
When I changed him, I opened his onesie and up front is a whole nother party… He got Jackie Joyner Hershey running up past his belly button.
So I’m standing there, tears in my eyes, trying to figure out how I’m gonna topple this U shaped shit formation and keep my son from grabbing his smothered wee wee, chewing his fingers afterwards, and get this onesie off him without ruining the furniture.
I carry him to the bathroom without blessing my clothes, I may have held him upside down, away from me cause it was also creeping down his legs.
I get him in the tub and it immediately turns into beef broth. I just made this boy stand up and take a shower this was entirely too much he gone have to learn early.
He has no idea what’s going on, he has this big grin on his face and wants to play. At this point I’m thinking he did this on purpose so I’m ready to fight.
Let the water out and the tub looks like a wet packet of Swiss miss. If i had to see it, ya’ll gotta visualize it.
Once I’m putting lotion on him and putting his clothes on his mother conveniently walks in like “Oh… I didn’t know it was that bad”
So she’s a single mother now and JoJo is left with only memories of me playing with him…
It’s probably for the best..
See ya’ll at the NFL draft.