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Archive for December, 2015

5 Finger Manno

Ya’ll know I love my urban legends right? I have another one for you.

The story of 5 Finger Manno.

So I’ve been spending some time in Jersey City since my ole lady is from there.

I’m out of place when I travel up north so I have a hard time fitting in. One route I tried to take was bringing up celebrities and such that I knew was from the area since her Brothers have been there their whole lives they know a lot of people.

I WILL NOT mention their names because of the stories they have for them but at least half of the discussions went like:
“Man you talking bout such and such?!?! Maaannn 5 Finger Manno slapped that muhfugga up in the park!”

EVERY….STORY… Started like that.

Who is 5 Finger Manno?! Why is he slapping everybody?? And where is this park I need to avoid so I don’t get slapped???

Initially I didn’t believe it. But one day I went to a local bar in the city to partake and overheard someone else who I didn’t know mention someone getting slapped in the park by 5 Finger Manno.

I said enough is enough… Time to find out more about this 5 Finger Manno.
I went looking for his story…. And I got it, eventually.

So 5 Finger Manno was born and raised in Jersey City. He was very musically inclined but his favorite instrument was the bongo. As he got older he developed a short temper. And he couldn’t stand “nonsense”. So he’d be in this park I never found the name of and him and his boys would play for fun. If someone looked at him wrong he would get up and BLAAAOOOOWWW just slap fire out of em. Just cause HE felt offended HE felt it was justified.

Eventually he made a name for himself… Kinda for his music but mostly because he would slap people for no reason.
He became a serial slapper around the city. And folk knew he was coming..

See he had his bongo strapped round his shoulder as he walked through the city… And he would play a tune on it As he walked around.. So when locals heard that bongo they would scatter. But people from outside the city didn’t know and thought they were getting a free show then,  BLAAOOOWWW. And what made things worse was that EVERY night and morning he would work out with hand grips just so folk would fear 5 Finger Manno and tell other towns about him.

Eventually he became a menace society and police tried to catch him. The thing about 5 Finger Manno was that he was light brown with long dreads down his back. Fluent in Spanish and Patois so folk couldn’t describe his nationality. He spoke Clear English when he wasn’t slap happy. Folk couldn’t give a clear description.

There was this one Italian officer who was bullied by dark skin folk while in high school and he joined the force and made it his mission to terrorize them no matter the age. He hid behind his badge. His name was Blanco Privlegio. Officer Privlegio made it his mission to take down Manno but he just couldn’t.

Every time he saw Manno he would stop and frisk him but he couldn’t nail him cause he was speaking english, didnt have his bongo, and his dreads were tucked tight under a hat that for whatever reason would NOT come off. And he would always say “Manno Ima get ya black ass!” and Manno would resist slapping an officer cause he knew he would get sent up the river.

One day Manno was in the park playing and this guy looked at him funny and it pissed him off so much he dug deep down in his soul and slapped Bruh out his socks. Stood over top of him and realized Bruh was severely cock eyed. Everyone in the park banded together and scolded Manno. One lady said “I’m calling Privlegio.” Manno jumped on the first thing smoking to DC and hid out for awhile. Before he went to sleep he prayed for help with his anger. He didn’t really want to slap people he just felt it was the only thing necessary.
As he slept he was visited by an angel, Della Grease.

She said, “Manno, you have sooo much aggression inside of you… It could be used for good instead of evil like you’ve been doing. Until you use this excellent elbow grease for good, I will take one of your glorious dreads. Go against me, you will be Stevie Wonder… Follow me, and you will be Buju Banton… The choice is yours. You will know when it is time.”

If there was one thing Manno was extremely proud of it was his locks. He had worked so hard on them and they were responsible for 90% of the girls he bagged. So he couldn’t lose them.

One day Manno’s family was on her way down south to see his little sister and invited him. He figured the further south he went he would be safe, so he went.
Mama Manno’s favorite restaurant was Golden Corral. He hated the place but liked making her happy so he went. He’s eating decent trying his best to stay up beat and enjoy his food. The waiter comes and refills his drink but he reached over his plate to do it.
Manno: I can’t believe this rude mf is reaching over my bourbon chicken
Family in Unison: Manno, please don’t do it.
Manno: it’s cool… Its a good deed.

BLAAAOOOOWWW!!!

Server backflipped all into the meatloaf. Glasses landed in the green bean casserole. Whole restaurant froze up.

Manno confidently smiles…

Then 2 dreads hit the floor….

He angrily storms out the restaurant.

Manno: Della Grease, he disrespected me, he got dealt with, why did I lose some locks?!
Della: Manno, that man is doing his job, slapping him for a mistake is no good deed.

Manno continues south with his family.

Manno made it down south and stopped by a gas station for some backwoods and coconut water… Cause you gotta hydrate naturally to fulfill your slap destiny.

The cashier doesn’t hand him his money he puts it on the counter.

Manno: Oh so I’m not good enough for you to hand me my money?!?!

BLAAAOOOOWWW !!!

Manno slapped this man so hard he caught his whole face, slammed him against the register and EVERYBODY got $10 free gas.

2 more dreads fall out.

Della: Manno…. Young Manno…. You will know when you need to fulfill your Slapstiny…

Manno knew better… He didn’t argue.

Manno stayed down south for a few months with his sister and didn’t go out to refrain from slapping people. His Homie had a big show in Jersey City and he figured it had been long enough for the coast to be clear so he caught a megabus up there.

While he’s waiting for the show he goes outside  to smoke and who else does he see besides Officer Privlegio roughing up a black teenager who keeps screaming “IM NOT RESISTING MAN I DONT HAVE ANYTHING!!”

Manno is fighting the urge at first but then he hears Della.

Della: Manno…. OOOOOOOOHHHHHH MANNNOOOOOO!!! You don’t need a watch to know what time it is!!

Manno: Say no more! Hey PRIVLEGIO!!

Privlegio let’s the teen go and runs right towards Manno full speed.

Manno grows his 4 dreads back… Then they all turn Golden. He knows his Slapstiny will be fulfilled.

He begins to run towards Privlegio, reaches his hand up and came down so hard he had flames coming from it.

He connects.

Privlegio flies back and hits the side of a Bodega so hard he left an imprint in the brick. The teen fled.. The rest of the officers rushed to Privlegio’s side and are all in shock of what they see. One rookie cop says “man he can never work ag-”

The rest of Privlegio’s co workers weep softly for their fallen soldiers.

Privlegio regains consciousness in a hospital 2 weeks later. Surrounded by fellow officers giving him nalia for all that he has done for the City.
Privlegio: why are giving me this?! It’s just a small scar I’ll be back soon.

The Chief: No Privlegio… You won’t… You can’t come back.

Privlegio unravels the bandages from his face and reveals a large hand print scar that has “Black Lives Matter, Ho” on the inside also written in scars. He looks at his comrades distraught knowing it will never heal…

He screams loudly from his hospital bed…

Manno smiles as he walks around his old stomping grounds playing the bongos for onlookers to enjoy.

Hopefully one day I get to meet the new 5 Finger Manno.

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