We all know life tests us… In my head, I think life knows that there are certain situations you haven’t been through in a while If ever and wants to know if you sink or swim…
Life is the teacher that called on you because she KNOWS that you don’t know that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell… So you either get the answer right, or you blurt out “Nucleolus”. The choice is yours.
This particular time, life just decided to make 8 hours of my life painfully awkward to see if I had it… I’ll let ya’ll judge whether I did or not.
I was waiting tables at the Musty Krab, In this small town I live in. I was the only non taupe server in the restaurant.
It’s 3pm on a Saturday so it’s pretty slow. Me and my Homie Slim Carrey are in the back cutting up, horse playing. You know, shit ween got no business doing.
There’s this taupe girl we worked with. Bout 5’0 100lbs soaking wet. One of those innocent girls obsessed with horses. So let’s call her Pony Montana.
Me and Slim get in a friendly shoving contest. I push him the exact moment as Pony comes walking our way. He flies towards her, his shoulder hits her in the nose.
The nose is a very interesting body part. Because if you get hit in it, you either sneeze violently, or you’re in excruciating pain.
Now I’m in a situation similar to when you hit your younger sibling and you pray they’re okay because you don’t want them to tell mom. Except lil brother= tiny taupe girl and mom=Chesterfield County PD.
So I went to hug her to make sure she’s ok and I can’t see her face but the way her body is moving she’s either crying or laughing. I prayed for the latter but ya’ll know my luck.
She starts boo-hooing.
Everybody in the kitchen gives me death stares, Slim screams “LOOK WHAT YOU DID!” and her boyfriend is mad but he can’t whoop my ass so he prolly slid a racial slur in under his breath.
I apologize but she not Tryna hear it. So I feel small at this point… There wasn’t but 5 people in the back but when I went to the front everybody knew what happened and I’m public enemy #1.
My manager, Kate Thinslet, gives me some words of encouragement you know “it was an accident, people know you’re a good guy and you didn’t mean it.”
So now I’m ready to work. I still feel bad but I just tried to find stuff to do to get my mind off it.
I go to clean the fish tank which is this big veiney sumbitch. It has these heavy thick wooden doors on the bottom of it. I clean it, and when I come down my apron got caught on one of the heavy ass doors which happened to be off the hinges. It fell and made this loud obnoxious ass noise.
When I turn around all these egg shell colored folk are looking at me like I just said I’ve never seen Titanic. I haven’t btw. I look to the right, and Kate has her hand over her mouth and tears falling from her eyes cause of course, my day could get more awkward with the heavy ass door that I knocked over landing on her foot the same day she decided to be cute and wear sandals.
So I carry her, princess style to the back. She’s crying her ass off. The other managers are in the back with me and she decides she wants to win a fuckin Oscar soooo..
“My FOOOOOOTTTT!! I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING, IT’S NUMB!! I KNOW IT’S BROKEN!!”
So I get more death stares.
The owner, Bony Soprano takes her to Patient First and I continue my shift feeling the same size as a smurf while everyone prepares to burn a Teddy effigy.
Bony calls and asks to speak with me. “Aye man, don’t feel bad she didn’t break anything it’s just swollen, she’s fine and she can walk…
Ok… I don’t feel that terrible anymore. I can keep my head in the game.
No I can’t…
Cause a few hours later…
In comes Kate…. Again, working on that Oscar. On crutches,Foot wrapped up, making unnecessary ass grunts.
Folk start joking like “Look what you did Teddy, I hope you’re proud”.
I felt so bad I couldn’t even look her crippled ass in the face.
I felt like John Coffey.. Minus the.. You know..
I felt like Lennie from Mice and Men… Breaking taupe girls necks and shit…
Tell me about the rabbits, Bruh..