Touch That Link, Folk

Archive for February, 2015

Papa Bear Chronicles Vol. 1

Again I apologize for my absence folk. It’s been a long time and I shouldn’t have left ya’ll. I missed ya’ll. I missed blogging. Shit it’s been so long I often thought I ain’t have the juice no more but I guess we finna find out.

As you may or may not know I been outchea, fell in love, messed round and planted a seed. It’s a bruh. His name is “JoJo”. He’ll be here soon.
I won’t eem play myself and pretend like I’m a pro and the best partner outchea BUT! I’m gonna leave some tips and lessons that I’ve learned these past 9 months so that if any of my readers who are also terrible at playing Jenga wind up in the same boat as me won’t titanic that muhfucka. I’m not a professional by no means… I just lived that shit and made it out alive.

Let’s start off with the beast that no one can prepare for no matter how many times you’ve watched Knocked Up.
Them got damn hormones:
As we all know, all women are different. Hormones will whoop yo ass and hers but the emotions may be different. And they vary by trimester.

First Trimester: BOOOOYYYYYYY…This one is fulla doubt and fear. Mind is racing and your flaws stick out and show more red flags then Bill Cosby in a dark nightclub.
“I never noticed but this man kinda ugly”
“Ew his teef ain’t aligned”
“Why yeen tell me you had a 4th cousin that was mentally disabled?!”

Oh yea… She’ll prolly turn up over ANYTHING.
“WHY THE HELL YOU PUT THE BALOGNA IN THE GOT DAMN VEGGIE CRISPER NIGGA!”

Roll with the punches. Now is not the time to get in your feelings. As hard as it may be to put em in time out and shut the entire f**k up. You have to. Don’t throw a rock in the blender of feces that is her emotions… Cause shit’ll literally hit the fan. (Best analogy I got)
If she’s boo hoo’n while telling you that she don’t wanna have a baby with you cause yeen shit… Don’t fret… Just try your best to be shit.

Be SUPPORTIVE and cry later.

In the blink of an eye she’ll be back to loving you. Rub her feet. Grab a bottle of cocoa butter and start a turf war with them damn skretch marks that’s on their way. She’ll appreciate it so much and you get rewarded.

Throughout these emotions. She’ll prolly wanna be grown with you. This is where everything pays off.
“Damn he got that outfit on that I like…. I could prolly get some from him”
What, you finna deny her cause she said yo teef leaning harder than UGK? Didn’t think so.

2nd Trimester she either in love with you or wants to curb stomp you. Aint no in between. She can’t hide the pregnancy no mo. She think she fat (she not.. and bet not tell her if she is)
AGAIN… Don’t beef with her.. Back rubs, foot massages, compliments throughout the day and guess what you finna get? THE CAKES!
She’ll be grown with you some more if you play your cards right.

Now… I hate this muhfuggin 3rd trimester with his stupid ass…

Feces is non fictional at this point. The fact thtmat She finna push yo big headed ass child out is imminent. She can’t hide from it.. All them emotions I mentioned earlier? Ball them hoes up and throw em in an Olympic sized pool of tears. Get ready folk.

Much like the mute boy in “Life” You can’t get right. And you won’t.  Just continue to be supportive and massage her and take it the best you can. Keep your feelings out of this cause you’ll  prolly get em hurt a few times.  You may be able to be grown with her a few times but don’t expect much. Now is the time to channel those lonely summers in high school when you loved yourself unconditionally. DO NOT… DOOOOO NOOOOTTTTT find someone else to be grown with. She’s exhausted carrying round yo child. You’ll be ight. Xvideos will keep you company when she can’t.
Your child can hear so talk to her stomach. Tell your child about how ya’ll met and fell in love. Sing to em. This is the time she’ll appreciate even if she doesn’t tell you. Keep her stress level down to the best of her ability.

I’ve spoken on support but I’ll throw some more detail in there.
Her cravings finna be CRAZY. Don’t question her… Support her. You may find yo piff on this adventure with her.

BRUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH.  My old lady fried some grilled cheese up with some maple syrup… Maaayynne. Artery cloggin goodness from Mount Gutmore.

Ladies,  this is where getting knocked up by a Big Nigga will work in your favor. Booski woke me up at 3 am saying she had a taste for a croissant, a hot dog with sauerkraut,  and a fruit salad. I could be mad that she woke me up… Or I could rejoice cause I just got a pass to get me a Gatorade and some salt and vinegar poke skins at 3 am.
Would I judge her? Naaawwww cause I’ma be knee deep in junk food right next to her. She felt comfortable going ham with me. Sheeiiittt we went to a buffet and tagged each other in and out looking like the got damn Harlem Heat in WCW. Do the same and she’ll appreciate you.

Remind her of how beautiful she is. Tell her that you didn’t think you could love her any more than you could until she carried your child. Pregnancy overall is a very beautiful thing.

Pregnancy is a test. You could Scrooge McDuck dive in all the ups and downs but this is your relationship growing. Enjoy the memories of this adventure. If you’re as lucky as me you’ll be going thru it with your best friend. Nia I luuhhh you.

Sidebar: Aside from being my first child and having him with the love of my life. Jojo is so special to me. If you recall I wrote a blog called Babies & Fools. The meaning behind that, besides my being a fool is that a couple hours before I flipped my car I saw my child for the first time. And while time slowed down and I was praying I said “please don’t let me die and leave my child alone.” I feel like Jojo, Pops, and God were looking out for me. And I can’t wait to give him the world.

Hopefully my return to blogging was fulfilling. Love ya’ll.

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