I like to pick on folk… That’s nothing new. All my fayful readers and Facebook friends know this. I can also laugh at myself when things happen to me. I’ma break ya’ll off with a couple stories that weren’t funny when it happened. Well to me it wasn’t funny. But now I sit back and release a mighty guffaw when I reminisce.
I was at IHOP with my roommate Elroy and our two female neighbors that we weren’t against knocking timberlands with, Drosario Dawson and Cameron D. Azz
I had just finished crushing some country fried steak and cheese grits and was ready to go back to the crib and be Nig Van Winkle.
Right before we get ready to leave it starts raining. And this is that Central Flawda rain so it’s no light drizzle.. This that Jumanji work. So of course Drosario and Cameron D. Ain’t wanna go outside and get their hair wet so I had to run to the car and pull it up.
I’m in my typical country boy attire. White T, basketball showts and house shoes. I go out the restaurant and run to the car.. Man on a mission..
I run cross the grass to get to my car. I stopped…. Well…. I tried…. House shoes don’t have traction on em… so I slid a good Sem or eight feet fore I finally wound up on my back… Feet skraight up in the air. I’m watching the rain fall on my face.. What is life?
I jump back up.. I tell myself that no one saw it so I get in car. I look in the subway cross the lot and. Niggas.Fell.Out. I mean. Like they obnoxiously fell out. One nigga behind the counter took his shirt off and threw a tray of bread on the floor. Niggin out.
I ain’t eem go to that plaza anymore after that… Concentrated Embarrassment..
And now for your main event….
The Dizzney Free Ball!
It was my absolute last day working for the mouse. My family was in town to help me pack and take me home. Before my shift we all went to the parks. We went to the park I worked at last so I could just walk to work and clock in. Simple right?
It’s never simple with me.
So The whole time I’m walking to work I get the urge to urinate. It’s not helping that folk is running round playing in the fountains.
I’m running late tho, I can’t be late on my last day. So I plan this out… I’ma break into a nice power walk so that I could get there in time clock in and then channel the Greek hood god Nepgoon.
I finally reach my destination and this piss is BEYOND REAL! Like the pressure is on. I can’t be a minute late so I go to clock in first.
While clocking in I can’t get my password right cause I’m focusing on not pissin my self. I’m standing at the computer hitting the heel toe tryna hold it in.
Finally get the password and I’m bunkin down the hallway to the baffroom. I get to the door and there’s a guy that’s coming out. We start doing that annoying ill-timed shuffle where you go one way attempting to get out someone’s way and they go the same direction. And then ya’ll go back and forth. Well… my bladder has its middle finger up right now so I wasn’t there for anyone’s shit.
Him: Heh… shall we dan-
Me: HELL OUT MY WAY FOLK! *shove/swim move*
I’m determined to make it to that stall… I’m on my last leg…. I’m panicking so much that I can’t really focus on getting my zipper down. Like when u try to put the key in the lock so you can go piss. I’m losing it…
F*ck it! Just drop your showts.
Lawd Geezus NO!
I CANT BALEE THIIIIISSSSS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
In my rush to pull my showts down I prematurely summoned Nepgoon….
Draws… done… without a question. Throw em in the garbage and forget the existed.
But….. what am EYE to do??
I’m already late getting to my shift.. I need to make a decision.
Some would call it quits. You must remember that you always find a way. When HE closes a door a window opens. You’ve never quit. You’re brilliant. NO ONE can keep you down. YOURE AN EFFIN SOLDIER!!!
…….. I free balled…..
It’s only a 6 hour shift, I said
The weather is gorgeous I said.
It starts to rain… That Flawda rain… This is why I know God has a sense of humor.
Lemme describe my uniform to you:
A button up with various flags on it(freeeessshhh) and white shorts.
I’m good.. I work outside.. but it’s covered on top….
So I just post up in the corner to avoid the rain. My coworker asks why I’m acting funny and won’t move. I told her… She’s trying not to die…
Remember that good ole sense of humor that God has?
It starts raining sideways. Unavoidable rain… I’m hurt. I’m tryna hide behind any objects but this rain is very non fictional.
My coworker whistles at me and busts out laughing.
And I already know why.
“I’m out ain’t I?”
“My whole ass?”
“Your whoooole ass hun… beans and franks too”
My shift over now… back in my street clothes I go…
I’m a legend…
EPKOT WILL NEVER FORGET A NIGGA!!!!!!
The Dizzney Free Ball