What’s goin on folk? I’m sorry for the wait but I also wanna thank you for staying by my side. I can be gone for a couple months whether it be working on the book, procrastinating, or panicking about outside problems(I’m good). No matter how long I go ya’ll are there to remind me that I’m slipping and then continue to welcome ya boy with open arms…. Hopefully this time is no different.. Let’s get to it.
As I write this sentence I realize this story happened almost a year ago exactly. I was in the boonies with this girl I was talking to and we were going to church. This was a holiness church, COOLJC(Church Of Our Lord Jesus Christ) which is very similar to COGIC, hands on, wanna be seen/heard… Ya’ll know bout me and The COGIC Church. If not peep this. Don’t get me wrong.. I love me some Jesus. I’m also Baptist which is more chill than a holiness church.
So me and ole girl were at this church in the sticks, this wasn’t my first time there so I wasn’t uncomfortable. This particular service was different. The Bishop was preaching and pacing back and forth in his incredibly aggressive angry uncle that just got out voice. But I noticed I felt like I did the time I sat in front of mama as she opened a letter from my 2nd grade teacher that contained a worksheet that I had written the F-bomb on because I was curious as to how it looked and forgot to erase it before I turned it in. That really happened.
So this Bishop is walking around and he’s talking about how I should be ashamed that I drink, smoke, go out, dance with women, do the do, and listen to 8ball & MJG. He was talking to the entire church but the whole time I felt like he was staring directly at me. And every time he made a point he scared me into praising The Lord:
“Females don’t know how to be Ladies. Skirts so showt ya bend ova and catch a cold….. TELL THE LAWD HALLELUJAH!”
Me: O__O…….. holla…holla-looyah…
an hour passes and I still feel like he’s looking at me… like JUST me… I’m shook.. I wanna vomit… and I’m contemplating a Terrance Howard tear..
He quiets down and I feel like I can breathe… I think the service is almost over. ADD kicks in and I’m putting myself in random episodes of Modern Family. Next thing I hear is “something something something Come to the altar.” Ole girl and her friend stands up so I do too. Me, being a Baptist, I think it’s an altar prayer when everyone goes up and they pray over everyone at the same time, say amen, and go back to your seat. I love those cause what better way to start your week off?
I’m standing up there with like.. 15 other people…. The Bishop then drops this hammer on me:
“That’s admirable that you young folk can come up here and admit that ya’ll are sinners!” Wait, What?
“So here’s what I won’t ya’ll to do” ……..no
“I won’t ya’ll to kneel at the altar”…….
“And don’t get up until you speakin in tongues”……….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’ve never been one to be slain in the spirit. Don’t get me wrong.. The spirit moves in me but I’ve never been one to shout, jump,and def never spoken in tongues..
I’m standing up tryna figure out how I’ma get outta this.. Do I sit down now and risk the possibility of this church recognizing me as the devil? Do I fake it? I’ma just get down there and see what happens.. It’s never happened but maybe it’s my time.
As soon as he says that this lady starts going “HALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA” and goes down on her knees….
I’ve never been one to judge especially in the church… But I’m saying to myself….
…..Them ain’t tongues….
Is she in the spirit? Prolly…
Is them tongues??? No…..
I get down there put my head down and pray to myself. While the Bishop is up there going Smithfield Ham on everybody.
“TELL HIM YOUR SORRY! LORD I’M SORRY FOR FORNICATING” O__o
“LORD I’M SORRY FOR DRINKIN AND SMOKIN WEED”
“LORD I’M SORRY FOR HAVING SEX WITH OTHER MEN” HU-WHAAATT?!
So I tune him out and take that time to talk one on one and thank him for everything and to help me better myself so fort and so on. Everybody around me is yelling and crying and I’m sitting there quiet. Am I being judged?? I um…. I don’t know.. I know I’m too afraid to lift my head up so I’ma stay down here.
Round this time my knees are crying louder than that lady that was speaking tonsils.
A man my size ain’t posed to be kneeling like that longer than 45 seconds.
You know I’m awkward right?
I catch this MEEEAAAANNNN Charley Horse in my thigh…
“GEE ZUS!” Shouldn’t have done that Teddy….
I see one of the Elder’s shadow running over towards me. Why? Cause he thouht I was finally finna speak in tongues. He brings the holy oil out. I’m not gonna fake it so I just go back to my one on one time thinking he was just gonna put the oil on my forehead and move on.
He puts the oil on, grabs the back of my head and applies some Tongan Death Grip.
“C’MON…..C’MON….LET IT OUT…… C’MON NAH…… LET IT OUT!”
I just repeatedly said “Thank You” He was interrupting my one on one.
He let’s me go… I think I’m in the clear.
He squats behind me… Grabs me… like… his hand is on my mitties right now.. He says “LET IT OUT” and i feel breath on the back of my neck.
I jumped up so quick….
*in my head* Bruh I ain’t finna go to 2nd base with you outchea cut that out expeditiously….
He thinks his job is done…
I think I need a bleach shower.
I go to my seat and EVERYONE but the pastor and nurses are slain…
I really didn’t know what to do so I walked around the church continuing my one on one.
This….. went on for another hour and half….
My calves probably look like they did a bid….
I was just posed to pray and saddown….