Touch That Link, Folk

Archive for January, 2014

I Never Taught Folk To Fish….

First off I wanna apologize for the hiatus I’ve taken. There’s been a lot going on recently and alot of adjustments had to be made… I’m working on making sure it never happens again… Because I feel like I have fans, and I’d hate to disappoint them again.

So my homie back home in NC is a teacher at Petey Pablo Preparatory. (Big ups to the Triple P) And he invited me to come speak at their Career day, mainly to talk as a college graduate. Me, not really having a career, was hesitant to accept the offer but I said, what the hell lemme drop some gems on these hoes. Now… The Triple P is a school that needs a whole army of Coach Carters and Dwayne Johnson from Gridiron Gang led by the white woman from freedom writers. So… they’re standards ain’t that high so I should be good…

So during the drive down I was  nervous! I’m in the car more unprepared than Rich Boy at a relevancy contest(sorry). Once I crossed state line I’m on my way into a panic attack because feces was finna become authentic. I could: A) Flake on the whole program and drown myself in a pitcher of blue moon and bury myself in mounds of barbecue and slaw. 2) Do  an EXKREMELY awkward Career day presentation with my bad ass nerves and become the face of Asperger syndrome at Petey Pablo Prep, or Trois) I could swang through the Alphabet store and the gas station and grab the nerve calmer and instant courage duo that is Newpoat 100’s and Pepsennessy .

I arrive to PPP smelling like your uncle but I hid it pretty well, give thanks to 5 gum and burberry cologne. I ain’t know what to expect so I kept the half bottle of Pepsennessy in my back pocket just in case… I meet my homeboy Jonah Trill and he takes me to his classroom full of  hood hamsters and sperm goons  (Elemf grade) and gives me the introduction:

JT: Class, I’d like to introduce you to a good friend of mine, Teddy, who is going to speak to you about what lies ahead… He is a……

Me in my head: HOLY SHIT I NEVER TOLD HIM WHAT I DID

JT: Well I’ma let him explain it to you.

I step up to the podium.. shaking.. I take a big swig of the cleverly hidden Pepsennessy, and my mouf just starts moving.

I start off professional.

“First off I’d like to thank you guys for having me, I’d like to start off with a question If I may? How many of you guys have applied to college, or plan on applying between now and next year?”

Classroom 50 deep….. 2 people raise their hands.

“Oops…. welp I can’t talk about what to expect in college if they asses ain’t going”

the speech I attempted to write in my head is useless right now… You ever been in a position where being real trumps being professional? If you know what I’m saying. If not, hopefully this explains it:

“Soooo… ya’ll finna get jobs?……… or nah?”

*couple chuckles*

“Oh so ya’ll do hear me?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against going out and getting an honest job, I’m also a believer that college isn’t for everyone.. BUT education is.”

Smart ass niglet: How that make sense? College ain’t for erryone but education is? That’s like… a double negative bruh. If that’s what college does for you, have you thinking like that I def ain’t going

Why are you stupid?

“Sir….Sir…. If you go to a trade school, or educate yourself in a field, get hands on experience and work your way up you didn’t attend college… but you’ve been educated… May I continue or you wanna put 25 more cents in and try again?”

boom

*random “ooooohhhsss” and a single “oh shit”*

Pepsennessy kicks in…. I don’t eeeeeemmmm try to fight it cause I see these kids need something real to straighten they ass up cause I know they haven’t gotten it yet….. hind sight… I should’ve chosen a better way to start off…

I looked over at JT with a look he’d only seen when we tipped the bottles…. I’m finna go on a drunken rant…

*rubs forehead*

“Life…..*sigh*…… Life is finna hit ya’ll with some shhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit boy”

Students: O__O

JT’s feyonce/science teacher: *whispers* ummmm Teddy that is ver-

JT: shhh.. he going somewhere with it….I’m…. pretty….sure…

“That’s what life does… no matter who you are.. obstacles get thrown at you erryday..  Some of em you gon bunny hop over, others… You gon LoLo Jones over them muhfuggas… How you bounce back is what makes you you..When I was in college there was a point where I thought I could’ve been with Lamar Odom slap boxing for rocks… But I got it together… resiliency for you hoes…”

“50 sum’n folk in here and two said ya’ll applying to colleges. That shit scary. What’s some of the reasons ya’ll not applying?”

Students: I don’t wanna get rejected, don’t wanna flunk out, *something stupid I’ll get to in a lil bit*

I write their examples on the board.

“First off… lemme start with THIS nugget(points to comment) cause Idk what he on.. Bruh… yeen applying to college cause yo girl has 3 years left of school to your one?! So what do you plan on doing after you graduate?”

I’ma keep working at Finish Line until she graduate and then I may follow her to school.

“If you don’t get in?”

Prolly just move up there to be close anyway.

“threw it up and it turned into sunshine huh?”

What??

“Nehmind… look…. that’s…. sheesh… THAT’S why you won’t apply to college???”

JT: he got a 3.something GPA so won’t be a problem getting into one.

*whispers to myself* lawd he’s a smart dumbass….

“You follow your significant other to college.. Your first f*ck up is that you’re settling for less to make someone else happy…. Then ya’ll see each other all the damn time which gets old fast… You have no time to miss each other and when ya’ll try to get space apart, you might hear some he say she say that you won’t like…. At the end of the day where ya’ll gone be?? Not together that’s for damn sure….  You find yourselves in college… Pretty damn hard to do that with someone up ya ass 24/7….”

“And I’ma be back every friday next year to keep a foot in ya ass til you apply to college… Cause I know you got the juice”

*swig of Pepsennessy*

 

“And don’t over think everything right now to the point where you stress out and scare yourself out of doing it… I’m not saying don’t give a damn about your grades but don’t be afraid of flunking out…. Cause you’re gonna panic… and f*ck up your youthful hair lines.. and probably run away from issues instead of Sharkeisha’n them bad boys… no bueno folk… Put it like this.. You write a paper and all you concentrate on and stress is the conclusion and how you’re gonna finish it… The paper itself ain’t gon be shit… I’ma let that marinate….”

“Look… I got real with ya’ll cause I wanna be that push…. Ya’ll can do great things I SEE THAT SH!T(Passionate moment). Go out there… grind… persevere… be skrong… and be successful.. do it for me if not for anybody else… Maybe….JUST MAYBE…. Sinbad will direct a skraight to TV One movie about this moment rightchea…. Love ya’ll folk”

*Standing hood chipmunk and spermgoon ovation*

Am I misty eyed at this point?? bitch I might be….

 

JT: Anybody have any questions for Teddy?

Student: So where did you wind up graduating from?

Me: I went to college with JT, at Martin Lawrence A&M University, MLAMU(pronounced em-lam-yew) fyi…. Class of 20elem

Another student: So…. What do you do?

Me: Ahhh………mayyynneee……funny you asked me that……………….. It was nice speaking to ya’ll

 

Was I inappropriate? At times… Did they hear me? Absolutely… JT said he got students asking him questions bout college cause they wanna be like Teddy…. good thing they don’t know I’m a skruggling blogger… I’ll return to the motivational speaking when I get some money on me..

 

Again.. I’m sorry for the hiatus.. If I haven’t said it, thank you for the love and support you’ve been showing me even when I was slacking…

Until next time folk!!!

 

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