Sorry for the hiatus… I’m fixing my life right now… but I thought It’d be
cliche cool to write a letter to my future churrin… Here it go
Dear Future Belafontina/Theodoro,
What’s Hannen Folk?? Congrats on having ya boy as a father… go forth and make me proud… you have some good ass genes so it shouldn’t be difficult. Know that I will try my hardest to make sure ya’ll want for nothing. However, if Corporate America is still hating on ya boy and I’m still waiting tables upon your evacuation then I apologize for the initial struggle. But even if me and ya mama gotta eat Saltines and various McNugget sauces so you can eat lobster.. Well Dammit that’s what I’ma do… Cause I love you.. I have a feeling that I’ma be kinda famous so hopefully no sweet n sour sammiches for pops.
Right now it’s 2013… and there’s this thing called Instagram.. And there’s a trend of people putting unattractive babies on blast and I hope it’s over soon… Cause I’ve shared a couple of laughs at those kids… But I won’t eem speak that into existence… You gon be cute… I’m like 85% sure…. If everything goes as planned and your moms is the big girl from Glee then your chances of being cute are great(you’d be beautiful actually). I was a remarkably beautiful baby so you good..^^^^^^^^^this panty droppin mf right here…
There is one thing that is probably unavoidable but I promise you it gets better… I’m almost too embarrassed to say it but I will… Ya boy had a meeeaaaannnn ass gap in like the Fif Grade… Not a pretty one like Natalie Cole’s(google it bruh) but I had that Michael Strahan… It wasn’t pretty and NO you can’t see a picture.. burnt all of’em… But now.. My smile is adored by big girls everywhere.
If you get a hold of my past writings then you will see that I had an infatuation with hoodrats. I am working on this. But Neeeevvvverrrr will I eeeeeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvveeeerrrr turn a hoodrat into yo mama… I will not allow it… So don’t fret my child.. Unless the big girl from Glee is secretly a hoodrat.. I can’t help that.. I’ll be your support system tho…
Your Grammaw who I’ll probably have you refer to as “MeMaw Do Right”(she always made me tell on myself) is a great lady. She instilled a skrong faith and love for God in ya boy and I’ma make sure I pass that on to you. She tells me now that she wants to spoil you and take you on a bunch of vacations. So do me a favor and go ham so I can get a few hearty chuckles in.. Preciate it
Unfortunately you won’t be able to meet your Grampaw cause he passed away…BUT if my mom is correct and I really am just like him.. then…. kinda sucks to be you folk.. I may “put foot to ya ass” when necessary but it’s all love don’t forget that.
I’ma be new to this parenting thing.. And I know I won’t be perfect but just know I’ma do my best. I’ma make my mistakes cause I probably won’t get a “how to” guide. I’ma get it down eventually, work with ya boy.. If I’m writing to Belafontina then prepare to be the girl with the crazy ass dad and Uncles(Stevie Blunta, Timbaglands,Cooley,Quincy Jr). I’ll gladly 2 piece a lil boy for you and wind up on WorldStar(assuming it exists when you read this). You’ve been warned tho.. If I’m writing to Theodoro… If you bring a girl home… like to my actual house and she look like the hoodgazelles I used to chase back in the day, I’m closing that book fore you eem get to read it.. It never ends well…
I’ll leave you with this Big K.R.I.T. lyric: “So be it, I’ll oversee that he runs and never fumbles, if it’s a girl I’ll give her the world and sunny summers, and teach her how to scrap in case a nigga jump on her”
Love Ya’ll with the whole heart,