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Archive for July, 2013

Family ReGOONion 2013

This past weekend I went to the Fowty-sumthin Family Reunion on my mamas side. As I’ve told ya’ll before I’m not really family oriented. Family Reunions are cool… but it’s not something I look forward to. It’s normally the last weekend in June and on Friday we have a fish fry and then at night there’s a disco. Saturday is a banquet where folk sing and acknowledge family and then there’s another disco. and Sunday we go back home… nothing special.

When I was a kid, before family reunions we’d all drive to Hustleandflow, SC where my grampaw and his siblings are from and hang out with that part of the family, which was awesome. But the family reunions were never my steeze. I’d go every year and talk to the same people.. Never tried to meet any new folk I just spent most of it in my hotel room. Oddly enough I remembered faces every year and I’d just look at em and be like “Oh that’s the nigga whose head resembles a ring pop.” Or, “oh there’s showty with the teef that look like piano keys being played by Little Richard.” But I’d never speak.

We got a big ass family so before I keep going I just wanna give ya’ll a quick overview:

My family can be split up in 4 Chapters. DMV,NC,SC and Flawda.

DMV Chapter is loud and country but they’re loving. No problems out of them

NC is loud country and hood.. BUT they know how to act and normally just get noise complaints that’s it.

SC is all of the above loud,country, hood, and loving. But they don’t get complaints either…

Them Flawda niggas doe??

THEM niggas?

Sheeeiiiiiitttttt… When they in attendance we already know something finna go down we just make sure we aint apart of it… Them fools steal the silver out the banquet hall and last time I was at a family reunion someone took an ice bucket and broke into the vending machines and had the nerve to take everything BUT the raisins… If you niggas don’t get some damn nutrients in your system while you up to all this f*ckery!!

This year they were unable to attend….

but back to the family reunion..

I get there late cause I had to work so I missed the fish fry, when I got there I couldn’t get in touch with any of the usual cousins that I hang with so I was chilling in my room.. Got bored so I went to the bar in the hotel… then they charged me $16 for a lil bit of Henny.. so that ended as soon as it started.. I figured I should find a grocery store so I can get me a 12 pack of turnup. I invited my younger cousin, Bruce Trillis out to the store with me. Come back and the older folk are having a disco cause the young folk one was over. I’m recording and laughing at these 50+ folk twerking and wobblin but… I’m having fun.. I’m drinking beers with my uncles and my older cousins, going from cracking jokes to having deep soul searching conversations like most drunk folk do. Bummin Newpoats off of family.. Ween eem sposed to be smoking.. There’s a big as sign that says no smoking on the terrace… But the number of f*cks my family has is equivalent to the number of teef Alexander O’neal has in his top row.

The thing that made me feel bad tho was the security guard was like the size of my arm.. and was CLEARLY intimidated by all the black lipped, yellow eyed, gold teef wearing folk that I call my kin. I kept seeing him walking up to his supervisor every so often after checking in on us smoking outside and one time his boss told him to stop us… I heard him.. I even told my fam to warn em…

This dude came outside.. Walked passed us… made eye contact with me… put his head back down and walked out.. Idk what he told his boss… but I know his ass understood cause he ain’t come out there for us either… How can you blame someone for giving a damn bout they life?

Next day is the banquet… I get all fresh just to put pork grease stains in my vest and pants but it’s all good.. We acknowledge folks who graduated, the youngest family members and the oldest. The oldest female is like… 1006(96) but my Grampaw, Bruh Johnnie is the oldest male.. and when they acknowledged him he stood up all proud and looked over the whole family with a smirk that said “Get like me, niggas”.

Afterwards my little female cousins wanna go to the mall and do whatever it is that hood kittens do in the mall. Bruce Trillis wanted to go with em…. So I had to go… and I’ll explain:

Bruce is my homie… Easily one of my favorite cousins. He’s can be awkward tho, when he gets upset he does push ups.. which means he’s swole.. He also loves big girls.. like… BIIIIGGG girls.. if you’re under 270 you’re too skinny. Did I mention he’s awkward? We’re on the elevator and two of our cousins get on the elevator… and they get off… and Bruce says this: “Aight… so if they weren’t your cousins which one would you get at?”

my nigga…… myyy nigga…. that’s… no…. that’s not ok…..

so Back to my story… I went to the mall with Bruce and the kittens because he can be awkward and it’d be worse being the only dude with all those females.. So I go and he rolls with me… Earlier when I took him with me to get a pack of turnup he asked me to buy him a bag of chips cause his money was low.. No problem.. My cuzzo wants chips he’ll get chips…

but what almost had me lose it…

He wants to go into the shoe store at the mall, no problem.. I walk around a lil bit I come back and he’s trying on 2 pairs of shoes that are each over $100… I’m confused… So I text one of the kittens which happened to be his first cousin and I poured my hear out:

“Yesterday I bought Bruce some chips cause he said his money was low… We in the mall and he finna buy 2 pairs of shoes… You got 5 mins to get here fore I choke the shit out this nigga”

He didn’t buy em.. Just wanted to try em on.. which made me feel kinda bad cause I straight premeditated killing that man… Whoops…

After the mall I go to get a bottle so I can REALLY get ignant at this family reunion… It was sposed to be split between just me and my cousin Gabrielle Coonion… we drink bout 3/4 of the bottle then I found out one of my older cousins had a cooler the size of a twin bed so I bummed some work off him. So i’m awesome at this point…Gabrielle’s younger sister, Rosario Clawson(you should see her feet… love you cuzzo :]) hits me up at like.. 12:01 saying she wants some turnup… I told her she could have whatever I had left… but that wasn’t enough.. She had met up with Sergeant Keef n’em and they wanted some more… I know in Central VA you can’t buy alcohol after midnight.. but I thought maybe I could find someone to slide me alcohol under the table.. We drove all over.. started begging family members… NOTHING…. so… that’s how that night ended…

The next day I wake up to pack and leave..and on the way out the hotel I’m pleased.. Aside from the smoking and dranking, we didn’t do anything to get banned from the hotel… and then the lobby doors open up and I hear this:


It was North Carolina… I doubt we’re welcome back to that hotel now… but luckily for them… We getting ignant in Greensboro next year!

I wrote this blog because this family reunion was the highlight of my summer. It was the most fun I’ve had in a min.. and I wasn’t even doing anything special.. I was just with my family… And I’m never finna miss another reunion from now on..

Until next time Folk!!