The Awkward Adventures of the Creeperican
Sorry I been gone longer than usual folk….. I was bummed out a couple weeks but I’m all good now and ready to this thang rollin again I’ll make it up to ya’ll…
Quick background of the Creeperican: He’s from NY and he’s puerto rican and creepy…. that’s all you need to know…
It was my first day at my Dizzney internship and I was checkin in and gettin my assignments. standing in front of me is this guy who has on ole folk reeboks, a button up, and a fedora(swag)… My first impression: this nigga…works at Gamestop… So we were getting our job assignments and I looked at the packet he had and I saw we had the same room number.. but I was hoping that it was for different apartment complexes… this lady looked at our packets and said “Do ya’ll know that you’re roommates?” fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck…. I introduced myself cause I’m nice… but when I got to the room and talked to him I realized…. this guy… is extremely awkward… cause first conversation he’s telling me that he didn’t have any friends in high school and he’s hoping that since he chose to have 5 roommates it’d be easier to make friends… I felt for the kid… I did… so I befriended him… thru all the social awkwardness… then tragedy struck…. he turnt in to a socially awkward asshole.. Then I said….. F*ck Yo Feelins…..
Let’s just get into some of his awkward moments.
1. Finding Goonmo
While I was at work I befriended this older Dominican lady and I gave her this sob story about how I haven’t had a home cooked meal since I left VA and I miss my moms cookin(my mother isn’t the best cook… I love u mommy) but she felt bad and would bring me whatever she cooked. One day she brought me some rice and peppers and fish… with the head still on em…. I have country coonish taste buds.. I enjoy a good fish head… I brought it home and put it in the frigidaire for later…. My roommates got creeped out by it I told em all I’d get to it later and I’d keep it in the back of the fridge until then… So they(everyone but Creeperican) have company over. He’s awkwardly trying to entertain them by sliding in cheesy jokes and they’re doing that pity laugh “eheeeh”. So one of the girls that came over there(whom creeperican happened to have a crush on) texts me to lemme know that she’s in my living room So I awake from my glorious slumber… Creeperican thinks i’m at work so he goes into the fridge and shows everyone the fish..
Creeperican: UUGGGHHH OMG how disgusting is this?! *shows everyone* It’s Teddy’s shit I should throw it in the trash! He’s a jackass… hehe(bitch laugh) I should flush it…
meanwhile… I’m coming out my room but he can’t see cause i’m in the kitchen and everyone is looking at me….
Me: Umm… Scue me muhfugga… put my shit back in the frigidaire… N if I catch you talmbout thowin ANYTHING of mine away I’ll beat the shit outta u til Thursday(twas a Friday). *snatches dish out his hand* Gimme my damn pescado HO…
the thing about this that made it worse than it was is cause the lone black girl that was in the room made the instigating noises: “Up!….. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
I think that was the last time he talked to me.
2. Nigga Tuesdays
It was like our 3rd day of the program. We decided to go out and meet some fellow interns, (preferably ones with ovaries) and invite them over the house to play rockband(stfu that’s what we did cause we were underage and didn’t have anyone to buy us alcohol). So we all kinda pair off with a girl and chat it up… The girl Creeperican plotted on kinda drifted over to My Boy Elroy so he was kinda bummed. So I include him into the conversation I’m having with the ONLY black girl in site…. Cause this is when me and him was still cool… but this turned into a big mistake…. She told me she liked my shoes or something like that and I said thanks, I got em for cheap(thug life) on Black Friday…. What happened next I didn’t see coming.
Creeperican: Oh! hey…hey Speak- hey… Speaking of Black Friday have you seen Zack and Miri? There’s this part- hey- hey guys listen, there’s this part where the boss asks that black dude to work on Black Friday. “You want me to work on Nigga Tuesday too?!” HaHAAAHA
RockBand turned ITSELF off…
Me: aaahhhh….. shit i think I have orientation in the mownin *walks into bedroom*
Lone Black Girl: Did u really just say that??
Creeperican: I’m…. I’m so sorry… I was just quoting the movie… I thought it was ok…
Lone: No… who told u that was ok? Was it Teddy?! Teddy you told him he can say nigga didn’t you?!
Me: how…. in the hell is this coming back to me?! I’m tryna be sleep doe…
Creeperican: he didn’t…. I’m really sorry… I didn’t mean it to offend you
The party went on to glory after that
the white folk in the room were relieved because they didn’t have to do that experimental altered N-word attempt… you know… the one where they call you NYUKAH or something like that to see how u react… then it goes Nyukah—> Nikka—> NIGGAAAAAA.. but now thanks to the Creeperican they know what time it is…
I saved the best moment for last… it still kills me to this day
3. Who Rockin’ What Shit?!
The Dream CD Love vs. Money came out and this fool couldn’t get his ass to WalMart fast enough to get it… This asswipe walks into my room at 9am after I worked a double with this:
Creeperican: *opens door* Hey I didn’t mean to wake you..
Me: *stank sleep face* ….what?
Creeperican: hey can u take me to wal mart to get the new Dream CD?
Me: ………….-__- *falls back into bed*
Creeperican: Well can you????
Me: GETCHO ASS ON THE BUS!
He comes back from wally world and will NOT stop playing this damn CD….. I mean non stop and he’s only listening to “Walking On The Moon” and “Rockin That Shit” over and over again… it’s drove me insane.. I mean… this muhfucka walks in from work at midnight…. and you hear the dream and his pre pubescent ass voice….
One day me and the guy he shared a room with, My Boy Elroy, were bored and bofe had days off so we decided to go to Universal Studios and talk shit to the lady while she’s tryna save folk from Jaws…
He goes to walk into his room… he turns the door knob slowly and it’s locked… I see him put his ear to the door and then he falls the FUCK out!
Me: hell wrong witchu?!
Elroy: Just…. Just…. *tears falling from his eyes* Just listen… PLEASE
I put my ear to the door… I hear faint porno noises…and this:
GIRL I’M IN LOVE WITH YA BAAABBBYYY *FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP* AND I WANT YOU TO KNOOOOWWWW *FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP* THAT I’M HOOKED ON YA BODY AND I’M TRYNA BE YOURS
Me: GET THE F*CK OUTTAAAAA HEEEEERRRREEEE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
look… we all have “me time” we also had an unspoken agreement that we’d do it when we had the apt to ourselves…. he broke the rule… and he had a fap soundtrack… I aint know people did that…
I couldn’t look at his ass the same way ever again…. I still can’t listen to that song without DYING..
I’m really sorry for not posting for awhile folk… I ain’t goin missin no more… The T-shirts are COMING… I put the order in so i’ma have ya’ll fresh in a lil bit.. Support a skrugglin bruh.. Love Ya’ll.. Until next time folk