Touch That Link, Folk

Might Don’t Make It

Remember the Rise and Fall of Hoodrat Infatuation? If you don’t remember touch this link folk…. I told ya’ll I learned my lesson… but I didn’t cause the hoodrats had this gravitatchetional pull on me.. But this unfortunate event was THE LAST straw for the hoodrat infatuation..

I was in Orlando for my internship… For those of you who haven’t been to Orlando they have a special breed of hoodrat… but they gazelles for the most part…

Well.. my Oldest brother told me I had to go to his house and get my niece and nephew cause the baby sitter had to go somewhere.. I get there and laawwwddddd if the baby sitter wasn’t the baddest red hood hippo(big n graceful) that I’ve ever seen in my life…. For now we gon call her Jennifer Thugson…

The next week I came over to my bros house again… Thirsting… cause i knew Jennifer would be there… So once my Sister in Law came home Jennifer asked me if I could take her to the grocery store.. Damn right I can… After she makes groceries she asks if I wanted to come in… We was flirtin a lil n watching that boosie movie(that’s how I knew I had a winner on my hands) I go to the kitchen to get something to drink… She calls me… and this happens..

JT: Teddy bring me something

Me: What you want?

JT: Huh?

Me: What you want?!

JT: I can’t hear you, Huh?!

Me: WHAT YOU WANT?!

JT:  UNH UNH HOL UP!! nigga who the HEEEELLLLLLLL you yelling at?

For those of you who don’t know me in real life just know I have a very low speaking voice… and no one hears me the first time but they don’t get mad when I yell either..

Me: You couldn’t hear me…. So I got louder so you could

JT: Yeen gon disrespect me like that!

Me: *in my calmest tone* umm… I wasn’t…. the hells wrong with you??

JT: NO YOU NOT CUSSIN AT MY ASS TOO!!!!! *storms off to her room*

At this point I thought I just hurt her feelings… so I went after her to her room to apologize… I get bout.. 1/4 way down the hall and I hear:

JT:….that’s alright… cause I got something fo yo ass

Me: wait…what?

This heffa comes BARRELING out her room with a hammer like Warrena Sapp…

Jt: That’s the LAST muthaf*ckin time you gon raise yo voice to me!!

Me: O__O…. oh shit… *runs for life*

I wasn’t thinking fast enough so I ran in the bathroom and locked it… I didn’t know how I was gonna get outta this one

JT: NIGGA YOU CAN’T STAY YA ASS IN THERE ALL DAY

Me: put that damn hammer down I’ll come out..

JT: NIGGA NEVER!!

But!! when a door closes a window opens…

like literally… cause I seen a window in the bathroom..

I’m short doe… and the window was kinda up there… but I stand on the toilet and knock the screens out the windows and proceed to climb thru… motivating myself

Me: c’mon Teddy you got this doe!

Myself: I got it! Almost there!

….. I got to my fuckin shoulders and realized nothing else was gonna fit thru that window..

Me:.. teddy… witcho big ass

Myself: yea… idk what I was thinking

JT: NIGGA… did I hear you just try to climb yo BIG ASS thru that lil ass window?! *hoodrat cackle*

Me(frustrated): HO SHUT UP THIS DON’T CONCERN YOU!!

JT: HO?!?!

next thing I see is the f*ckin hammer come thru the door…. and i’m finna shit myself… THAT was probably the realest shit has ever been in my life… when she ruined her OWN door to get to me…. she really wants to harm me… I NEED to get the hell outta here…. it’s life or death outchea..

So I run up to the door… throw that bitch open.. let out a battle cry similar to the zulu warriors and smush Jennifer in between the door and the wall… the funny thing is her arm with the hammer is hanging out but she can’t swing it to hit me so it’s just dangling… the funnier thing is I can see her face thru the big ass hole she put in the door… and i’m using my strength to keep her wedged with this door while I figure out how to get the hell outta there… and I’m looking at her thru the hole in the door and her face is turned to the side cause of how the door is on her(comedy) and i’m like… damn you bad as hell why u gotta be nuttier than squirrel shit??

Kissed her on the cheek thru the door and TOOK OFF…. Never came around….

My sis n law called me: I thought you liked Jennifer how come you don’t come round no mo… she said ya’ll had a minor disagreement but she’s still interested..

Me: did the crazy broad also tell you that she tried to kill me???

so yea.. I learned 2 things that day….

1. Hoodrat Infatuation is dangerous…. especially for those not equipped for that life…

2. You have to learn how to live amongst hoodrats tho… cause they ain’t goin no where… so whatever you do… don’t cuss at one or call her a ho….

My name is Teddy Belafonte… and I am an ex Hoodrat Addict and a Hoodrat Survivor..

Gimme like… another week and some change and I’ll have the shirts…. getcha money ready!! I appreciate the Love you been showing me tho… Love ya’ll!

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2 responses

  1. Cathie Reid

    Now that was crazy!!!!

    April 24, 2013 at 7:05 PM

  2. Mallisha

    I could not stop laughing…

    May 6, 2013 at 11:48 PM

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