Whoop Dat Teddy (Get Em!)
Sorry I was gone a lil longer than 2 weeks folk, please forgive me doe….
A few months ago I was talking to my cousins in the midst of boredom, and we got on the topic of asswhoopins…. My cousin/brother, Stevie Blunta, my cousin/sister Queen LaReefah, and I were going over who in the family had beaten them and although it wasn’t a contest I wound up winning… by a landslide…. I promise I wasn’t a bad child… Stevie was just the favorite, Queen was the only girl, so that leaves me….. I don’t have time to speak on every time so I’ll just give ya’ll a couple that I remember vividly:
The Last Samurai Auntie
I don’t recall My Aunt(Stevies mama) ever beating him…. he was always told that he couldn’t go outside if he ever got in trouble.. which is stupid cause he hates being outside… but that’s a perk of being the favorite…
Anywho Auntie had a beauty salon in the basement of her house so after school my grammaw would go over there to get her hair done after she picked me up. I’d get my homework done and me, Stevie, and some other kids would play power rangers outside and ride bikes… typical kid shit…
this one time I felt that Grammaw wasn’t taking long enough, cause she came outside and called me in the house… BUT what she didn’t know is that it wasn’t eem Morphin Time… and i’ll be DAMNED if I come in the house before I hop into the Mastodon, so she was gon hafta wait…
weeeellllllll…….. my Aunt came out…. and I wasn’t scared because she’s never beat Stevie maybe she was just finna tell me I can’t go outside.. I got a Sega, I’ll be ight… well as i rode my bike closer to her I seen she had one of those plastic toy samurai swords in her hands…. So… I realized my Aunt was finna catch her first body.. I had to do something… anything… I decided to help her hang my bike up on the rack in the garage, that would probably cut me some slack and get me outta this asswhooping…
She lifts the bike and starts struggling with it, so I help her hang it up… BAM I’m in the clear… we just bonded… then this Bullshit happened:
Auntie: Thank You
Me: Oh you’re welc-
DIDN’T *WACK* YOU *WACK* HEAR *WACK* YO *WACK* GRAND *WACK* MA *WACK* CALLIN *WACK* YOU *WACK*
and i’m just sitting in the garage crying with a look of betrayal on my face… I JUST helped you hang that bike up.. Does that not deserve a pass?!?! I know not to help you out anymore I’m getting thanked in bruises n shit.. (i was like… 8 so this was my thought process)… and 15 years later… Stevie ain’t got his yet.. I’m still waiting..
McDonalds Is A Helluva Drug
This is my last asswhoopin tale.. because i’m getting emotional… And this one was at the hands of my Grampaw.. The thing that makes me mad is that this happened when I was 5.. 18 damn years ago… and he won’t stop telling the story… So i’ma tell ya’ll just before he gets the chance to..
Every now and then my Grandpa would pick me up from school and sometimes we’d go to McDonalds. I was big as a kid too(surprise) so of course this made my day. Well, one day I asked him could he take me and he said no…
My Chunky ass feelings were HURT!
So i’m sitting in the car pouting… then I get an idea… a stupid one but it sounded good to 5 year old me… i’m not gon tell ya’ll what it was just yet i’ma wait..
So we pull up to the house and he gets out the car… and i begin to put my plan in action… i get out after him and start walking behind him.. I took my belt off… and….
WHAM!!! TAKE THAT GRAMPAW NOW YOU HURT JUST LIKE ME!!!!
………see when I played that plan in my head i didn’t calculate the fact that Grampaw is 6’3 270lbs… or an adult for that matter… 5 year olds have stupid thought patterns…
Grampaw spun round n caught the belt and snatched it out my hands so got damn fast…
O__O………. ABORT MISSION!! ABORT THAT SHIT RUUNNN FO YO LIFE GET HELP!!!
But it was too late… Grampaw already had me by the wrist… beating me mercilessly with my own belt….
My Grammaw came outside and was ready to cuss him out for beating me… until he told her what I tried to do.. Sheen have a choice but to let him wear my ass out…
To add insult to injury… My own FATHER… Is standing in the door Cheering on my Grampaw…
Nigga.. am I NOT your loin fruit??? Where yo loyalties at mayne??
I’ll tell you this much…. You HAVE NOT experienced emotional hurt until you see your dad cheering for the opposition during an asswhoopin…
“WHOOP HIS ASS DADDY LAW!!! GET HIS ASS DADDY LAW!!”
that hurt more than the actual belt did…….
i’m lying……….. the belt hurt alot worse….
Thanks for reading folk!
I appreciate your support. Remember, the book is coming hopefully in the summer… Also I’ma get some T shirts and stickers to help promote so Lemme know if you’re interested and I got you… Love Ya’ll