We all remember the classic quote yelled by Rick James(Dave Chappelle): “THEY SHOULDA NEVER GAVE YOU NIGGAS MONEEYYYY!!!”
Well, me and my bromeboy Thomas (http://argylepaisley.com) put together a little list of things we believe shouldn’t have been given to some of these fools we encounter in our everyday lives.
1. They Shoulda Never Gave You Nixxas Shopping Malls.
Like every other broke person out there I enjoy going to the mall and angrily looking at shit i can’t afford, but now I can’t even enjoy myself there so now I gotta angrily look at stuff I can’t afford on Amazon.com cause MF’s ruined my shopping experience. Whenever a new mall is being built there’s ALOT of hype being built and the mall is extravagant as hell with every store you can imagine and you go there as much as you want and never get tired of it. But then comes that fateful day… The day they put a DTLR or a Jimmy Jazz or Rainbows in the mall..
*cue ominous music, lighting and thunder*
Oh God please give this mall the strength and will to survive…
Slowly but surely you see an abundance of tall tees, weave/wigs that match the pants , pampers being used as outfits, Rollers, Bonnets etc.
Then come the Shoe Releases…. and with shoe releases come fights and theft. and they blame it on the kids but “adults” are just as responsible for that shit. So now you can’t go in the mall by yourself if you are under 18. And you can’t go in groups larger than 4. So when I try to have a happy ass outing with my mom, aunt, sister and grandma I gotta fall back 50 ft awkwardly playing on my phone with the “I swear someone somewhere loves me” face. Eventually, the only thing in the mall is a sprint kiosk, a chinese place, Jacques Penet(JC Penney), a Barber shop, a Super DTLR, Rainbows express, and a pretzel place.
And I gotta find the next mall where I can enjoy but eventually the same thing happens… It’s a never ending cycle… When it finally happens to the Mall Of America I’ma be ready for that sweet chariot to swing low and carry me home…
If we can’t practice proper mall etiquette, then go to your local plaza, there’s one everywhere.. It has a footlocker by itself, a check cashing place, a Popeyes, a DTLR and a tire place. Everything your heart can desire.
2. They shoulda never gave you nixxas INSTAGRAM
Look………I can appreciate photography as much as the next
coon person, right? And social networking [blah blah blah reach your audience blah blah connect with people blah blah share sh** with your friends and all that razzmatazz]. No doubt. Cook, prosper, elevate dat thang folk. How-ever…Instagram is the worst thing to ever happen to photography/photographers (there are actual photographers on Instagram making art, btw)
Anywho, lemme let y’all know what I’m talkin about: *opens up Instagram app* Oh look! It’s THROWBACK THURSDAY, so I get to see every pic from when you used to be [fine/skinny/on the honor roll/at church] that you posted last week.
*scrolls some more* Ah…I get to see who fake working out cuz you posted 7 pics in the gym bathroom, but you ain’t sweatin (who am I to judge?). Y’all fakin tha funk…….figuratively and literally. Do better. Fitness is a good thing…acquire some.
*looks at popular page* <sarcasm>LOOK AT ALL THIS FOOOOOOD! Geez you #guise! I’ve never seen Sushi before!</sarcasm> You ate at that spot two days ago…and three days before that. I can haz boredom with your entire existence. Choke on a chopstick (don’t die tho).
[Quick question: Do you Instagram your food before or after you say grace? I need to know…for research purposes. DM me the answer, plzthx]
Pray tell…how many filters are you gonna put on a pic of your MacBook. It’s a MacBook. I could just take my glasses off, look at it, squint
[oxford comma] and dim the light…man made Instagram filter. I’m that good. Swag me out.
Know what I really hate? Tweegrams……..dafuq? Lemme get this skraight: You downloaded an app that lets you post text on Instagram? Then you exported that pic to Twitter? Sooooo……..
(What else we got?) More pics of Bria Myles and Yaris Sanchez…….well….actually……..I ain’t gotta problem with that.
Your puppy is ugly.
3. They shoulda never gave you nixxas Twitter Logic.
I don’t even know where to start.
The trending topics and discussions that are birthed from the remedial, Sylvan Learning Center corner of Twitter are appalling and they sometimes make me want to pack my stuff and move on over to white Twitter. Call me self-hating…whatever…fight me:
There’s #YouAHoeIf…eloquently detailing how swiftly and easily one may drift into “hoe-dom”.
There’s the ongoing, annoying, neverending $200 date debate. Because nothing screams “PRIORITIES” like putting a price tag on spending time with someone whose company you (supposedly) enjoy.
You got the Stans and their blind, undying, Misery-esque love for Beyonce, Chris Brown, Rihanna, OFGWOFTIKA (or w/e), Kobe, etc who ride for their popular figures. If one were to tweet any reasonable critique of said popular figure, here come the Stans!…and their Stan capes and Stan logic. (I can’t find Beyonce’s performance at the inauguration acceptable, but a little underwhelming? Geez, man.) Btw, spell check doesn’t recognize “Beyonce” as a word, so CLEARLY WordPress is a hater. Right? RIGHT? Haha, yeah.
We also have to suffer thru the too-often-occurring light-skin vs dark-skin debate, which speaks to a deep-seated self hatred and colorism, Willie Lynch, and………look, just go read Invisible Man.
All you people whose existence is ruled by Twitter Logic………..go do the chicken noodle soup on a pile of LEGOs.
…but yo, follow me on Twitter tho
4. They shoulda never gave you nixxas full service restaurants. I don’t get paid to blog… I wish I did but i don’t. I pay my bills by waiting tables so If you don’t tip i’m forced to stunt off $2.25/hr… which is impossible. My job is to make sure you get that good ass customer service that i’m known for, the least you can do is break me off with 15% (should be 20 but I’m not complaining). This one particular time I waited on this dude Lawrence Failor and his classy broad who demanded to drink Heineken through a straw. He complained that the food was cold and I told him I’d gladly get him some new food and apologized.. They got about $80.00 worth of food and I brought him the check and WATCHED him pull out a wad of 20’s take four out to give to me then threw two dollars on the table… I know what he said in his head too “here’s a couple dollars for ya trouble boy”… with all due respect sir, I hate your entire existence.
One time I had some real winners come in. One lady ordered shrimp scampi and she got shrimp scampi I bring it over to her.
Her: Um excuse me, I didn’t order that.
Me: *fake concerned face* You did ask for scampi right?
Her: Yea… but I wanted the one with the white sauce
Me: That’s Alfredo ma’am
Her: Yea… well bring me that….
My manager told me that EYE had to tell the lady that she had to pay for both orders since it was no ones fault but hers… which I agreed with.. but I shouldn’t have been the one to say it cause it pissed the lady off.. I apologized… even though it wasn’t my fault I still apologized… and this ho still threw a fit! After a Jerry Springer Meltdown she got the scampi taken off and what did she tip me?!
Not a GOTDAMN thing… petty ho wrote “NO” on the tip line…. I hope she never finds love… Yea I said it…
I said all that to say… If you plan on coming to a full service restaurant please look out for your waiter. ESPECIALLY if you plan on being difficult. If you can’t then you need to go to a restaurant where you order and then place a lil plastic cone on your table until you get your food… either there or the after church spot Golden Corral…