Touch That Link, Folk

The Sperm Goon Chronicles

Sperm Goon: Bad.Ass.Churrin.

Would you ever date someone with kids?

Recently I’ve tried it…….It SUCKED….. never again

Oddly enough I’ve been against dating a woman with kids since I was 14…. What made me against this at such a young age??

i’m finna tell you why…

after their divorce, my Uncle started dating again, and this one particular relationship he thought it’d be good to invite his son(my brousin) and I out with him, his girlfriend and her kids…

His girl, let’s call her Congratulashayla had CHILDREN!!

i’m exaggerating there were only 3:

her son: First48 (Goon in Training) 11
her daughter: EBTia (don’t get me started) 13
her nephew: Ed (future professional idiot)

This one time we went to the park, we cooked out, played basketball, joked around, me and EBTia flirted innocently, it was a good time… We enjoyed ourselves….

the very next week, these assholes decided to flip the script…

this is how I know Congratulashayla has been single for a while, or kept her kids a secret because they have yet to figure out how long to wait to let their Goondom show.. they had failed to calibrate their Goonometer…

this was just the 2nd time we’ve been out together…. we roll up to their neighborhood… which was eerily similar to the one Denzel Washington’s baby moms lived in in Training Day… one way in one way out…

We go in the Apartment and we’re chilling on the Saran Wrapped couch and EBTia tells me to come outside with her…

we were talking and flirting, then apparently I said/did something she didn’t like(i have no idea what it was) but she got in my face. then said “I SHOULD SLAP YOU” don’t slap me cause you don’t know what’s gonna happen.

*Disclaimer* Theodore P Belafonte has never condoned violence against women..

She accepted the challenge and slapped me and ALL I DID was push her off… wasn’t even hard


she goes in the house and calls her Aunt and her ass come around the corner looking like Warren Sapp and she said “YOU WANT ME TO HOLD HIM DOWN?, YOU WANT ME TO HOLD HIM DOWN? I SHOULD BEAT YOU MYSELF”

Well…. THAT escalated quickly…

I was forced to apologize…

So now we’re all piled up in my Uncles truck. I’m playing round with First48 and Ed and we’re gettin along… Those were the homies…

Ed gets an idea and looks at my Cuzzo and hits him with the trick “did you know if your hand is bigger than your face you’re a genius?”

I thought he heard it before… but i guess I was wrong cause Cuzzo put his hand in front of his face and Ed made this nigga slap HIMSELF so hard that his glasses came off… he was HOT.. I can’t blame him cause if I slapped my glasses off my own face unwillingly, blood would have to spill before i could calm down…

So we go to the mall and play around n shit, me and First48 still coolin and having fun ignoring EBTia….then on our way out. Ed stopped in a toy store… He was playing with one of those superbounce balls and it bounced out the store… and he kept going with it…

in the parking lot, Congratulashayla notices it and asks if he paid for it..

“No… it bounced out the store so i thought I could have it”

my uncle leaned into his ass something serious…

nigga you are damn near 13, that excuse would work if you were 4… actually it wouldn’t cause that’s just universally stupid…

you’re the person that’s driving the car and watches your cousin kill someone and get in your car and give him a ride home and claim you’re innocent… You’re Rae Carruth stupid…

Anyways…. Wanna know why I call Congratulashayla’s son TheFirst48?? cause i’m pretty sure this boy is either in prison right now… or he’s Chief Keef….

On our way home he was all nice, then he asked to see my phone and I told him no… you would’ve thought I said something bout his mama… he lunged at me and EBTia grabbed him and told him to calm down…

so when we get out the car he looks at me dirty and i’m like “U mad Cuh Cuh?”

then he sticks his pinky out and just looks at me…

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”



*this 10 year old just got you quiet Teddy… you can’t go out like no punk no matter how young he is*

I thought of the quickest comeback I could..

Why did you stick your pinky out then? Cause it’s actual size?


then he gets mad again and comes at me and EBTia grabs him again so he starts telling me that he can’t wait to watch me die and other crazy shit like that… then for some reason EBTia gets mad at me(dat ho was crazy btw) and she threatens to let him go and let him eat me alive…

Me: don’t come over here cause you don’t know what’s gonna happen
EBTia: bro he said the same thing to me go over there he ain’t gonna do nothing… he soft…
*let’s go*

wanna know what happened???

I punched that lil nigga dead in his nose.. didn’t care how old he was…. watched him cry… felt bad at first… remembered how much of an ass he was and smirked….

we dipped out.. me and Cuzzo celebrated because defeating the Goonocracy was such a liberating feeling….

aaannnndddd THAT’s why I’ve been against dating a female with kids since the tender age of fo-teen….

i’m not saying that if I met a girl that I really liked and she reveals to me that she has kids that she’s gonna get completely blown off after that…. but she betta spike them kids juice boxes with Ritalin before I come over…

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