Touch That Link, Folk

The Awkward COGIC Experience

My God Sister married into one of the most prominent black families in Milwaukee. Her Father in law is the head Bishop of the Midwest Region of the COGIC (Church of God In Christ), they own various restaurants, and her husband is one half of a popular gospel/R&B producing team.. Not to mention she works for an advertising firm.. so she’s banking….

A few things about the COGIC people:

They LOVE to be seen… they will wear the brightest most elaborate outfits ever… for example Rufus Gimmedat was walkin round with a lavender suit with the hat to match *biggie voice* BUT… he had to stand out by more than just having on lavender shoes…. Bruh killed the game by getting the lavender Kangatang(fur coat) to match.. a long one at that… this is what they do… i’ve never seen so many grey/orange blue/pink green/yellow suits in my LIFE!

all females have to wear skirts or dresses… which was awesome cause you see a line of  pastors daughters walkin in the highest of high heels and freakum dresses… so much win!

but the sad part is the young men…. like my age… they walk around in the biggest black framed glasses, they ALL have dreads pulled back so tight they are forced to smile… and i have no idea how they manage to shout with they pants so tight…

but back to the story

My God Sister found out that I was short of some Internship hours needed to graduated and she invited me to come work for her husband because he was the historian for the COGIC Convention in St. Louis..

The COGIC Convention is basically a State Fair for Church goers.. they have church(obviously) flea markets where people sell the brightest stolen suits, and bibles, and Iguana skinned shoes, and cologne, and random food, and other stuff that you could see your Aunts and Uncles fiending for… there were also some Celebrities there… it’s pretty deep in there… just to give you an idea, the church service filled up the St Louis Rams’ stadium..

My job at this convention was to basically be a gopher…. I had to go fetch stuff… which selfishly had me upset… at one point I was like: “If ya’ll niggas don’t give me a job that makes sense i’m going back to the hotel bar to get awesome, and pop lockin on the pulpit when i get back” but i’ll get to that story later..

The thing that still has me upset.. STILL to this day grinds my gears is this:

When my flight landed in St Louis I went straight to work…  So i had to hand out these magazines at some board meeting they were having… while I was handing em out the head Bishop says that each magazine should be passed out separately, mine being first.. so after he says that I keep on passing out the magazine and about 30 seconds later Pastor Getlow Hollar grabs the mic and says:

YOUNG MAN WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!
WHY ARE YOU DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING?!?!
DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO FOLLOW DIRECTIONS?!?!

keep in mind that i’m in a room of 200 people… and my biggest pet peeve is being called out.. but i’m in a room full of Bishops so I can’t say anything.. So i’m just standing there looking at him with my signature mean mug and in my head i’m like:

you sorry nigga i’m doin my job… i ain’t NEVER wished a stroke one anybody but i hope yo right eye start twitching soon…

so i just walked out… nigga i ain’t eem apologize…. and i’m never taking that stroke comment back.. i’m spiteful like that…

that was my first awkward turtle moment…

the next one occurred when I was setting up this booth for interviews of important people… so, setting up lights and mics and other AV equipment… i’m kneeling down fixing some wires and I hear this voice from behind me saying “they workin ya haaarrrddd ain’t they brotha?”

me, COMPLETELY forgetting where I was replied in this manner:

“ya daaammmnnn right! …” O__O

him: hmmm

I was afraid to turn around… but i did… to this day i wish i had not….

remember when I said there were some celebrities there?

I turn around to see that I just cussed at Marvin Winans….

you sinners may not know who he is but if you’ve ever seen any movie with Tyler Perry’s name attached to it he was probably somewhere in it…

I had to go repent… I just started throwing random holy oils on me to make a prayer concoction… hopefully it worked..

If I ever become famous I’ll apologize to Mr. Winans again…

THEN later that night they had a concert with the COGIC Mass Choir ..

and the people I was working with were photographing the event and I asked this guy what he needed me to do.

“just stand here and hold this bag”

“yeeeeaaaaa i’m not doing that”

“scuse me?”

“with all due respect sir I ain’t squeeze my ass in no airplane seat for 4 hours to hold a camera bag all weekend”

“……. ok, go take pictures of the crowd but they better be good”

This is my moment….

then i realized I had no idea what I was doing…

I’m just walkin around this auditorium lookin for the most attractive deaconesses

and gettin on one knee but in my head it’s like:

*camera click*

potato

*click*

potato

*click*

potato

THEN… a praise break started

DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME PRAISE BREAK PHOTOS ARE?!?!

of course you don’t heathens..

well i’m trying to rush over there cause praise breaks can go by quickly so in my rush I wasn’t watching where I was going and wound up running into one of those super dreaded Fonzworth Bentley COGIC boy who happened to be 1/4 of my size… so i hit him

he flies back

lands in a chair

INERTIA

the chair flips over with him in it… and all I see is Doc Martens, pink argyle socks, and cuffs…

and then the whole back half of the auditorium(about 300 people) are staring at me.. and i’m praying to myself that they don’t all stop the music to look at me…

if I wasn’t such a goon i’da ran out and wept…

and i’m thinking to myself… i’ma be carrying bags for the rest of this trip…. they won’t trust me with another task…

I was somewhat right..

cause the next day we ran out of memory cards for the camera and my God sisters husband looks to me:

you have a drivers license?? Yes. You mind driving a truck?? Nope. You know where you going? Yep(liieesss)

then Duke Smellington(dude i argued with over the cam) asks “you sure you wanna give him that responsibility?”

first off you need to f*ckon somewhere… Just for that i’ma go to downtown St. Louis and find me a couple hoodrhinos(big girl hoodrats) and take em to Checkers and let em have their way with me to show their gratitude…

Just to let ya’ll know…. I’d never actually do that.. I don’t want you thinking any less of me than you already do…

and I also came straight back from Best Buy….

after I went to the mall for some hoodgazelle hunting….

No Shade to the COGIC people out there… I love ya’ll

but i’m not built for that life… I’ma stay Baptist…

And God Sister if you’re reading this…. on the way to the airport your husband said that I’d be getting a “gift of love” from the church for working at the convention… by gift of love i’m assuming it’s money.. or communion crackers or SOMETHING…

this was a year ago…

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10 responses

  1. I grew up in a COGIC church and I got out IMMEDIATELY after I got out on my own o_O

    November 14, 2013 at 1:56 PM

  2. Pingback: I Was Just Posed To Pray & Saddown…. | The Life & Times of Theodore Perseus Belafonte

  3. pree

    Is this how you represent baptists? This is shameful. I know plenty of cogic people and they are all not like that. Keep your mouth closed because we are all God’s people. They wear skirts and dresses because they believe in modesty. Btw it is not required. Please speak facts, not opinions because you dont know who is reading this. I am not baptist or cogic but I def dont want to be Baptist if they bash other denominations like you do.

    June 30, 2014 at 10:27 PM

    • Whomever you are I don’t recall twisting your arm forcing you to read my blogs. You’re more than welcome to click the small “x” in the top right corner and go on about your business… preciate ya

      June 30, 2014 at 10:41 PM

      • pree

        O of course I will exit right when im ready..be careful what you say about certain denominations. Youre not representing your own very well.. may God bless you with wisdom. And of course, I will exit now. Toodles!

        June 30, 2014 at 11:01 PM

  4. pree

    And its called the Holy Convocation, not a Cogic convention

    June 30, 2014 at 10:28 PM

  5. casey

    Wow! Ignorance is written all over this article. Cogic is good ppl and a wonderful denomination to be a part of. God is not pleased with this..

    June 30, 2014 at 11:07 PM

    • Sorry you feel that way. Let me know if you wanna buy a t shirt I’ll give you my paypal info. Just find me on facebook

      July 1, 2014 at 10:42 PM

    • Hey Casey. Sorry for taking so long to respond. I don’t think I forced you to read my blog. I don’t even think I know you. I’d invite you to go copulate yourself but I’m sure that’d offend you. Instead, since you seem to be a fan because you commented on my blog I’d like to invite you to buy one of my t shirts. Let me know what size and color you want.

      February 12, 2015 at 11:22 AM

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    December 13, 2014 at 8:42 PM

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