Touch That Link, Folk


This entry is dedicated to my future feyonce(in my head) Sha’Toya….. she knows why…

While I was living in Orlando I found myself with a lot of free time to do whatever I wanted to do… Sit in an empty theatre in downtown Disney and watch “Madea Goes Into Labor”(turrble) , visit the strip club at 2 in the afternoon (eww), Go to the Burberry outlet and pretend to be at Milan Fashion week in the fitting rooms(Shwag), go to the asian super market to find out what Balut was(don’t do it), go to Sea World and throw random shit at Shamu(can’t go there anymore)…
One day I had off and I decided to do something different…. something that no one has ever done before…
So i went to Gator Land…
For those of you who don’t know, Gator Land is basically a desperate attempt at an attraction that was probably thought up by the Florida rednecks who made Walt Disney eat dirt on the playground back in high school…
“oohh let’s take… an animal that you can see everyday on the side of the fuckin road in Florida and charge people $20 to come and watch it eat a chicken breast on a stick!” GENIUS *sarcasm*
so…. while at Gator Land, i was walkin around drinking Pepsi and Hennessy, watching gators sleeping on a manmade island, getting up moving 5 ft and falling back to fuckin sleep.. then went to Lake Smangnbang where all the gators do there is mount whatever they get close to whether it be male or female… Sounds fun right?!
then I figured that there was a gator show going on cause I could smell the Marlboro’s, Old Spice, and Bud Light in the air and i knew that there had to be a redneck gathering close… So I go over there and I see the most inbred looking muhfugga i’ve ever seen in my life, Lester the Incester wearing overalls, a John Deere hat and no shirt throwing horse meat at a gator…
Lester was obviously intoxicated and decided to really put on a show…
so the gator opened his mouth and Lester started to put his hand in and out the gators mouth… and i’m thinking to myself
“i’m not a zoologist… but i’m pretty sure alligators don’t like being finger banged in the mouth”
i was looking at this Gator and tears started to form in his eyes while an audience of white people cheered… i felt a connection with him…  similar to the one Harry Potter had with that big ass snake…
Lester then put his entire arm in the gators mouth and he looked at me for guidance and I looked back with the “you know what time it is” face
*white gasps*
gator just sitting there with Lester’s arm in his mouth, not even biting down hard, but he’s sending a message…
i sat back, sipped on my Pepsennessy, and lit me a black…
every person in there were trying to help Lester by bargaining with the gator with chicken like he’s gonna let go of that exotic fine cut of human that he’s dining on…
through all the chaos, the people look at me confused and one lady asked: “WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU HELPING?!”
“if you saw thus muhfugga jumping off a building would you stand at the bottom and try to catch his ass? he made his bed let him lie in it…..”*blank stares*

then I walked off whistling Spottieottiedopalicious and puffin on a mild…
True Story……………………………possibly

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