Touch That Link, Folk

Tear Da Club Up ’09

Another Dizzney flashback I’ve been thinking about a lot lately was the time me and some homies accidentally turned a club inside out… and by HIS grace I made it out…

Twas Me, Flionel Richie, Stevie Blunta, Marcus Starveme, and Capt. Jean Dook Bacardi(my sucka ass roommate), we all went out to this club at Downtown Disknee. I didn’t want Jean Dook to go but he wasn’t tryna chill with us he just wanted to get to the club so as long as all he did was sit in the backseat and breathe I could tolerate that 10 min drive…

When we got there Flionel knew the girl that was taking the money so we all got 21 and up wristbands which was awesome… but later came back to bite me in the ass…

So I’m in the club with my drank and my fo step, big girl wranglin, having a good ass time… Dook is popping up like a damn whack a mole he had to be on something… That one 50 sumn year old creepy dude in every club was hitting James Brown’s footwork to Back That Azz Up which is killin me just thinkin bout the visual now… that really has nothing to do with the story but it’s just funny to me

Later on Dook walks up to me with this girl from around the Apt complex, Lindsey Goham, that I’ve had a Hey Arnold “Hi Ruth” crush on.. I’ve never said more than hello to her out of pure punkassness…

“THIS is my roommate Teddy! He’s… damn near in love with you… you.. no YOU should totally bang him…. TONIGHT!! WHOOO!!!!” *walks off*

Idk if you’ve noticed my complexion in my profile picture… but i’m not the lightest negro in the world… and my face turned RED… I walked off and luckily i found the remedy for severe embarrassment… $1.00 Jello Shots..

So I got me a nice lil buzz and all the F*CKS i gave earlier were gone…

I ran into ole girl from that terrible event earlier and apparently I caught her after she drank a bottle of Rubbing Alcohol cause she went from 0 to Daddy Issues in 3.5 seconds…

I look around, Flionel is catching twerk from a gang of uncoordinated white women, Greazie is mackin in the corner, Marcus has smoked so much weed that he was suddenly fluent in Spanish and was using this to get at some International Interns, and Me and Lindsey are re doing that scene from Superbad sans blood on my pants.. cause I’d have to jab a ho..

I was having a good ass time and my boys were too.. but…. of course there are people out there that have been taught the dark art of fuckin up a wet dream..

Lindsey: Isn’t that Dook over there??
Me: Where?…… aahh f*ck…

I turn around and this spawn of Voldemort and Carrot Top that was sent from the honors classes of hell to ruin my internship experience has chosen to pick a fight….

doesn’t sound too bad right??

That’s cause I forgot to mention that he decided to pick a fight with an entire got damn fraternity..

Apparently some equally drunk dude tried to push up on one of the girls he was with and he twisted his arm(cause he thinks he’s a cop) and the other 5 guys immediately jumped on him…

and I’m watching this shit happen and i’m thinking to myself… this muhfugga put me in one of the most embarrassing moments I’ve ever been in NOT TO MENTION i found one of my empty Capri Suns in his trash can… so I’ma help him… after I finish this drink and count to 30.. cause he deserves some of the asswhooping he’s gettin..

but when Marcus gets drunk and sees someone he gave a head nod to on his way into the club in the fight and all of a sudden that’s his “mans’n’em” that needs his help… so I see Marcus go in and I grab Greazie and Flionel so we can get these drunk suckas outta here..

I’m bulldozing people out the way, giving rib shots, throwin bows so i can get thru… the thing that kills me to this day… is that this dude had Dook in a full Nelson like it was his lil brother.. the thing that kills me even MORE is that it wasn’t even the dude that Dook got into it with initially.. It was that old ass man that was doing the James Brown jig….what the hell did he do to you?!

I tried to just grab dook out of his grasp and Old Head lunged at me like a pitbull…

NIGGA! you are far too old to be tryna bite somebody…

While this is goin on Flionel came behind old head and kicked him in the back of his knee..

“AAAOOOOHHHHWWWWAAAHHHOOOOOO”

That’s the battle cry that he let out as he buckled and let go of Dook..

all of a sudden someone screams MMAAACCCEEEE!!!!!

that’s my cue, we out this bitch… cause If we got caught drinking under age on Dithney property we all was getting fired… and he who gets fired from that place aint shit…

so I channeled the lung capacity of a teenage Ethiopian male that’s on his way to make groceries and I took off.. we all did… before we leave I look back and Lindsey is waving “AHH MY HEEL BROKE!”

and i’m having a simp moment. should I go play Capt save em and go get her??

but if I get caught and fired I can’t go home my fam would disown the hell outta me…

……..maybe she ain’t see me turn around….

shouldn’t have been wearing those tall ass heels anyway… she brought this on her self…

So back to this lung capacity that had to come out of pure fear of seeing my father under those circumstances… I…TOOK..OFF

I ain’t ran like that since…. I’ve NEVER ran like that…. I had tunnelvision to the car…

I ran so got damn fast I was too tired to put the key in the ignition…

we pullin off and the cops were at the other side of the parking lot coming to where the crowd was going.. they behind me and this car was trying to pull out…

out of habit I was gonna let the car pull out and go… then I remembered we just f*cked the club up 3 minutes ago so i dicked the shit outta that car and THEY wound up getting pulled over..

my heart was ready to jump outta my chest…

Master J my Savior up stairs was lookin out for me BIG TIME…

Once I got home I refused to EVER be in the same public area as Dook… and I never went to the club again…

True Story……….Possibly…

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