Touch That Link, Folk

Some People Sit Back And Watch The World Burn…. My Coworkers Are The Ones Holding Matches And Kerosene

So I wait tables at this restaurant called the Blue Crab. I love my job. I love my Coworkers… and this is why.

Last Monday was the Fif annual Chrimuh Party at my job.. well it was my first cause i’ve only been here 8 months but it was definitely one of the most memorable moments for a young goon.

I guess i’ll start from the beginning of this f*ckery to give you an idea of the setting I was in. I went to my friends house I affectionately refer to as the Space Invader to pre game with E&J and Cream Soda… which is f*ckin delicious btw.. a Goonsicle is what they call it.

Anywho i’m at the Space Invaders crib with the homie Wolvaqueen, his bro/her bf Leo DeFAPrio, and 2 other co-workers, Flionel Richie and Fletch Luger. We get our pre game on but unfortunately we lost a soldier. Fletch Luger was called home by the Porcelain gods… never pre game with rookies..

So I had to play Taxi and scoop a couple folk to take to the party and I get there an hour late. I thought it started at 8 so I had to walk in a room fulla white people on CP time..

Within the first few hours, I got my Pepsennesy on, taught a bunch of egg shell colored people how to wobble then left them to fend for themselves, straight MURDERED Mo Money Mo Problems on Karaoke with some clueless teenagers, and broke up more fights in a night than I have in my whole life…

I betcha wanna hear more about those fights dontcha?

Well.. Towards the end of the night I was (somewhat)sober in a room full of extremely inebriated white people.

My boss, Bony Soprano and his wife, my other boss, Blondatella Versace, were giving their thank you speeches…. and THIS was the beginning to shit gettin real…

during the speech my manager , Kate Thinslet, said something quietly and her ex (whom she hates), Zack Slorris felt the need to reply by yelling “SHUT THE FUCK UP”.

ME.. tryna look out I push him out the way and get in between them. After the speech, Thinslet ran off somewhere and random white people go searching for her. Meanwhile, i’m outside, hanging with a Newpoat, and Zack comes outside and Thinslet’s friend LeAnn Dimes ask me what happened.. I told her and another one of my coworkers’ brothers Ryan Gfest (there are ALOT of people involved in this story… maybe i’ll stop using names so you can keep up) over heard that Zack yelled at Thinslet and he, also drunk off his ass replied:

“YOU LIKE YELLIN AT GIRLS BRO?! FUCKIN YELL AT ME BRO!” then Zack’s mini guido ass wanted to act like he’d bust a grape so he thinks he’s got damn tigger and starts bouncing around talkin shit like “OH COME AT ME I’M 22 HOW OLD R U BRO HUH? TOO DAMN OLD TO BE TRYING TO FIGHT ME, SUCKS TO BE YOU”

keep in mind Gfest is a foot taller than Zack. I don’t want these people to fight, i’m cool with em bofe so I grab Zack and push him away and he’s still tryna charge Gfest so i just wrapped him up and told him I wouldn’t let go until he calmed down… this guy channeled some kinda MMA shit and ducked down spun around picked a bale of hay and pushed me to get to Ryan…

My inner nigga came out…. I’ve been keeping it in for the 8 months I’ve worked there but it made an appearance for 3 seconds…

I shoved Zack… HARD… and said “Push me again bitch”… that problem was solved….

Then out of nowhere Gfest disappears and an even drunker mf’er tries to fight Zack so i carried his ass in the restaurant.

I tell the Chef(Zack’s boss), who happens to be almost the same size as Wreck-It Ralphand should’ve also been the main one outside trying to break shit up, about his workers outside and out of nowhere, this nigga that looks like Common if he got trapped in Southside Richmond comes up to me like

GoonCommon: YO YOU GOT A PROLLEM WIT MY MAN?!
Me: ?????
GC: DON’T WALK UP ON MY MANS LIKE THAT!
Ralph: Yo, it’s cool we’re friends
GC:NAW ION LIKE THE WAY HE TALKIN TO YOU!
Me: I…. I’m talkin like I’d talk to anyone else
Ralph: He’s cool man, just go back to the bar
GC: NAW BRO BACK UP OFFA MY MAN
*walks away*

the bad thing was… I didn’t even realize my life was in danger until 75% of that conversation was done..

Meanwhile, another one of my shwasted coworkers Katie Brolmes had just got proposed to by her equally shwasted boyfriend.. it went something like this:

BF:i’m…. Katie… Baby… I love you… babe… will you marry me babe? Babe…
Katie: *snot bubble sobs* *nods head*

and what do drunk mf’s do to celebrate an engagement??? THEY TAKE MORE SHOTS OF GASOLINE…

I’ma come back to them…

So I go back outside and I see yet ANOTHER COWORKER Lindsay Goham and her boyfriend outside yelling at the top of their lungs.. and she’s like.. 4’11 95 lbs talking shit like she’s Ndamukong Suh. He’s in peoples faces, she’s screaming cross the parking lot. “YOU GUYS ARE FUCKIN CHILDREN!! YA’LL ARE PUSSIES! FUCKIN BITCHES!! Oh my FUCKIN SHOE CAME OFF”

I just needed to get her to the car so I threw her over my shoulder and put her in someones car. Now we gotta get her Bf in the car which is a more difficult task. So i calmly go up to him

Me: aye bruh, ya girl in the car go check on her so we can get ya’ll home.
Him: Now What?! You wanna fight me too?
Me: what the actual fuck? do i have “I’m that nigga you wish would” written on my got damn forehead

While i’m tryna get him to the car… Goham gets out the muhf*cka. So one of the Spanish goon cooks Fidel CasDro who is Cartel Crazy and also just finished making out with Jose Cuervo calls himself trying to calm Goham down by rubbing on her stomach and this pisses her boyfriend off:

Bf: THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT TOUCHING SHIT
CasDro: What nigga?!
Bf: *shoves CasDro*

big mistake… Why? Cause not only is CasDro crazy… the muhfucka is a packaged deal…. you fuck with him you gotta fuck with his boy 2STRIKEZ!! who has the shortest temper in Central VA

So one of my coworkers is trying to calm Goham and her bf down and i’m trying to calm CasDro and 2STRIKEZ!! down. Goham’s bf gets in the car so i think shit is cool…

It’s not…

Goham’s ass got out the car and ran towards me(idk how the fuck I pissed her off, she just told me she loved me literally 5 minutes before this shit) but i ain’t notice her…

until she had my shirt collar and my cardigan in that pitbulls jaw she calls a fist. then her bf tries to pick her up to get her off of me, but I’m like “um…. nigga she needs to let go first before you pick her up like that.. so now i’m basically bein hung by my own freshness cause she refused to let go and he refused to put her down.

after 30 of the longest seconds ever she let’s go… cardigan and t shirt danglin off my fuckin shoulder lookin like Child Of The Ghetto..

finally….Finally….FINALLY they both get in the car and leave…

my night is over…

of course it isn’t…

the devil started moving through that party…

when this occurred I was almost sure the Mayans were right…

GoonCommon… crossed paths.. with 2STRIKEZ!!

and it wasn’t no “oh i stepped on your shoe, my bad young brother” encounter..

2STRIKEZ!! and CasDro were upset telling the boss Bony Soprano what had happened with Goham.

GoonCommon saw that and thought it was the same deal when I was trying to explain what was goin on to Wreck-It Ralph and thought 2STRIKEZ!! was threatening Bony.

but see…. I was sober when he approached me… my judgement was in tact… 2STRIKEZ!! on the other hand… was drunk and had not a mineral of fucks left to give… and he saw Common unbutton his shirt to reveal a wife beater and all hell broke loose….

Cause we all know… a wife beater is the universal signal for: Swing, NIGGA!

Godzilla VS. King Ghidora is the only thing i can compare that too… if we didn’t break em up those mf’s could’ve EASILY destroyed a small city…

the shit that trips me out is… during all of these fights… the Bar manager TD Flakes, was outside smoking a cigarette… and looking at us during each fight like… “Sheeiiitttt these niggas think i’m wrinkling this suit they got me AWL f*cked up”

so we separate em so nothing crazy happens and try to calm 2STRIKEZ!! down by forcing cigarettes down his throat. GoonCommon goes away and everything is cool… kinda…

When GoonCommon walks out to leave, I asked if everything was good..

GC: yea man we good… i’m just saying… I’m from Baltimore, I sell COKE!!

*walks off into the darkness*

after all this shit happened.. I see Thinslet FINALLY… didn’t know where the hell she’s been, I try to console her and give her a hug you know what this drunk broad did?

1. Stiff Armed me
2. “I don’t feel like talking to ANYONE!”
3. twisted my wrist… cause apparently Step 1 wasn’t bad enough

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THESE MF’N BABY POWDER COLORED COWORKERS!

So back to the newly engaged drunks

Katie Brolmes tells me to go congratulate her new fiance cause he’s feeling down…

Me: Hey man, congrats on your engagement bruh I wish you much success. *sticks hand out*
Fiance: *hugs* thanks man… I love you bro..
Me:…. aaallllllright… it’s like our.. 2nd time seeing each other but… uhhhh… I guess if that’s how you feel… *awkward turtle* love you too

at least an hour is passed and if Katie Brolmes isn’t dancing… she’s crying… then she just falls out her fuckin chair… and THAT was wen Bony decided it was her time to go so he walked her to the parking lot… but here’s the fucked up thing… she going towards the car.. and her Fiance just walks the hell off into a got damn abyss like he’s mad at the world… I ain’t seen him since but i’m assuming he made it home with Brolmes… Zack drove em home and Katie puked in his car so there’s Karma biting his ass…

Me…. I’m never drinking with white people again…

“When white folk get drunk they ackaFOOL!!… Black people drunk just wanna bang each other”-My Mama

but don’t get me wrong… I love my coworkers to death…. but never again

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