Touch That Link, Folk

Skrip Club Etiquette and Hacks… Case Yeen Know

Before I get started I have to say, I’m not the guy that goes to the skrip club every day or every weekend for that matter, but I do enjoy a nice visit to HoodRats “R” Us every now and again. Sadly, I’ve noticed that some people just go about the skrip club ALL WRONG and hopefully I can learn ya something by the time you reach the end of this post:

1. Don’t Sit At The Stage If You Have No Intentions of Tipping.
Seriously??? Why do you think there are seats at the stage, and then couches on the other side of the club… Generous niggas get to sit at the stage,broke niggas need to migrate to the back. I mean, be considerate. The skripper on stage is tryna make money, she sees you sit at the stage and thinks you are ready to share the wealth. She twerks on over to where you are, and starts Bussin it for you out of the kindess of her heart and the hungriness of her pockets, and she awaits some gratification.. alas… you’re a dickhead…. Please don’t play with emotions…

2. STOP Mean Mugging.
I’m assuming you’re straight, I mean you are at the strip club. Look like a straight male in a room full of titties and cheeks… I’m not saying stand around cheesing like a damn Cheshire Cat on yayo… but damn my dude, smirk, grin, Smize nigga SOMETHING! Ain’t no strippers gonna approach agression… You have a burgundy ass aura around you… MAKE THAT SHIT GREEN BEFORE YOU GO TO THE CLUB!!!

3. I’ma throw you a lil tip that you may not be aware of. Get 40 ones from the door. Put 20 in your pocket, keep the other in your hand but hold so it looks like you got a good amount of money. Sit AWAY from the stage and REMEMBER to get your aura in check. A stripper will see you chillin, come over and see the money and give you a lil personal show.. It’ll only cost you $5 at the most. Do that until you’re content and sit at the stage, do the same thing with the money and slowly tip dollar by dollar.. She has no clue when the money will stop… but she’ll stay round you as long as she sees green paper in ya hands… You’re Welcome..

4. NEVER…. Ever Ever EVAH Get Trashed at a Strip Club…
I’ve seen some terrible tragedies coming from people fooling with that devil water… One dude was with his “boys” and i’m pretty sure it was his first time in the club, cause he was hovering round this one stripper, eyes cocked like the University of South Carolina. He started dancing with her, rubbing on her thighs had NOT ONE dollar in his possession… Ole girl looked at the Ruben Studdard sized bouncer, and he proceeded to fold that drunk nigga up and toss his ass outside.. and his “boys”….. stayed in the club til it closed… in December…. Watch who you roll with to the strip club. Another time I seen this dude take a shot of kerosene i’m assuming… he sat down in his chair… In the corner of my eye i see a red flash… that red flash was the chair he was sitting in going airborne after he rolled out of it… and then he laid there… motionless.. every gyrating ass on stage came to halt and then followed a crescendo of “OH SHIT”…. did bouncers feel sympathy?? NOPE.. dude got propped up against a fire hydrant.. don’t go to the strip club alone either…

5. If a few dollars randomly fall off the stage and into your vicinity… it is OK to re-rain.. recycling is good for the hoodrat environment anyway… but under NOOO CIRCUMSTANCES can yo triflin ass pick it up off the floor and put it in your pocket… Have you coons no shame?! YOU JUST STOLE A PAMPER!! And don’t think you’ll get away with it.. Strippers,  DJ’s and bouncers all have Eagle Vision.. you will get called out and hemmed up… for a dollar… There’s more to life..

6. Don’t Expect VIP Privileges On A Dollar Menu Budget.
Doesn’t matter how attractive a stripper finds you, How fresh you may be, she will not walk away from scattered showers to show yo broke ass any special attention… If ya’ll were at the club, aye, you’d probably take her home… but nigga she at work. she don’t go to The Cookout when you managing and steal hushpuppies and cheerwine from you… don’t have her lose money…. Again, be considerate.

7. Don’t Try To Outdo The Strippers.
Ladies ya’ll thought I wasn’t gonna show ya’ll any love didn’t you? Toooo many times I’ve seen them allow girls on the stage for fun, after they got some liquid courage in em and they SWEAR they just came back from London representing the USA in twerk… but their rhythm is equal to that of Ellen Degeneres’ audience… Leave it to the professionals.. and Yes I watch Ellen.

8. Keep Ya Mouf To Yaself.
The fact that I even had to tell ya’ll that disturbs me to my soul. Do I really have to explain myself. I know Ya mammies told you to not eat food off the floor.. If she warned you bout that shit don’t you think that f*ckery of this magnitude can cause serious harm to yo life… You haven’t an iota of a clue where the hell that girl been…

9. Don’t Ho-Hog.
Sharing is Caring. If the brother next to you has intentions on tithing, LET HIM.. Strippers rotate She’ll be back for your money shortly. Dudes will get a girl in one section of the stage and will NOT let them leave the vicinity. I mean damn can she atleast change her outfit? All that damn sweat, shame, and guilt accumulating in her G String ain’t a bit sanitary… Once Again…. BE CONSIDERATE! Dance Dance Pass…

10. Don’t Fall In Love.
I saved this for last cause this problem is real. Don’t be ashamed, it’s not just happening to you. Hell, T-Pain made a song about it. Plenty of people have gotten mesmerized by the sight of a hoodgazelle sliding gracefully down a pole. It happened in the Best Man too. BUT! Leave those feelings in the club, if you bump into the stripper while she out making groceries, Let dat ho make groceries in peace. Don’t feel that you can get her number and set up dates and shit.. It does not work like that. She’s using your money to buy golden nugget cereal, the Toppest of Ramen, and Bologna without the red ring(cause she classy like that) and that is the ONLY connection ya’ll will ever have. Let’s think ahead: “Daddy when did you first meet mommy?” “When did you know you were gonna marry her?” Lie to ya churrin if you want too, I bet that stripper loving guilt will eat thru ya liver…

Let this entry be your goon Jiminy Cricket when you go to the strip club.

Special Thanks to 2 beautiful ladies who gave me ideas for this post : Courtney Lowe (an excellent blogger as well check her out. http://hairlikecashmere.tumblr.com/)

and Tiffany James-Smith- Hoodrat Extraordinaire. She has a book coming out soon called “From Kool Aid Blues to Jimmy Choos”  be on the look out for that

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One response

  1. hey. you have a pretty good post there mate.

    June 10, 2013 at 4:20 PM

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