Touch That Link, Folk

My Top “Ain’t Shit” Moments… Please Don’t Judge

My Top “Ain’t Shit” moments…djm

I’ve done things in my life that i’m not proud of… the fact that I ain’t shit for em is because i’m somewhat proud of em… i wouldn’t say proud… but i regret nothing… anywho let’s get right into it… in no particular order…

1. Crocodile Tears
 So, after a while me and Fohead Jenkins started beefing and stopped talking… I started to miss her.. even tho she’s the spawn of Satan and Omarosa(NaCl)… i missed her… So i hit her up, asked if i could take her to the movies and out to eat, she said yea… so me being broke at the time, we went to Buffalo Wild Wings, then went to the movies… while there I tried to put my arm around her, like we did in the past and she rejected me… being butthurt i got quiet for the rest of the movie, and on the way back:
Her: You Mad?
Me: yuuurrpp
Her: i didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, it’s just *tears welling up, crying voice* i’ve been dealing with a lot lately and i just don’t know what to-
Me: Hell you cryin for?!?! all this damn gas and money i just wasted i should be the muhfugga boohooin shit…. betta dry them shits up…
*straight silence*
Not my proudest moment… and i feel bad… now.. but yea.. this was the last time we talked tho…
2. Force Field 
 One day I was out with my lady friend at PF Changs.. i was fascinated with the revolving door because things like that turn me into a child…. anyways, after we finished eating this guy in a wheelchair ran over my foot, looked me in my got damn FACE, and went over to get a toothpick…. If he would’ve apologized I would’ve let it go.. but that bullshit happening, for whatever reason, idk if he rolled off the wrong side of the bed or what but EYE couldn’t stand for it(pun intended)..
so we were leaving the restaurant and this nigga was bold enough to try to get his wheelchair in the revolving door.. everyone around laughing telling him to go for it and making these Price is Right audience noises and he goes in…. being ahead of him i saw this out the corner of my eye, and the little good guy and bad guy popped up on my shoulders.. completely ignoring the good guy, the bad guy told me what needed to be done… i leaned my big ass against the door after i saw he made it in and…
THWUMP!!!(him running into the door)
KOONK!!(door running into him)
i know… I ain’t shit… i have repenting to do…. but this next statement isn’t gonna make me any better….
if you looked on the glass you could see a face smudge he left from the impact…
ight i made that last part up….
3. Inertia
One night working the International Gateway at Disney which is the back entrance of Epcot by the world showcase that sells all the dangerous ass foreign alcohol. There was this guy in a wheelchair sloppy drunk.. being pushed by people who were just as drunk… then one guy gets a brilliant idea..
they both took off…. dude in the wheel chair must have skipped High School Physics cause he decided to plant his feet while they were moving at TOP speed….
when i tell you this fool got DUMPED out his chair wheelbarrow style….
then slid a couple feet…
what makes this an ain’t shit moment?
well… when my co workers and park guests ran over to his aid i ran over in the bushes cause i couldn’t contain my laughter… at all….
i know what you’re thinking.. “Teddy… why are you a wheelchair bully?!”
first off, fuck you….
my pops was in a wheel chair so i actually have a soft spot for the handicapped..
where was this soft spot when he fell out the wheel chair?? laying right next to his ass cause EYE SAW him WALK into the park when he first came in and when he found out that the Disney employees he was with got free wheelchairs he said he was gonna get pushed around and get trashed… so i didn’t feel bad at all…
4. Long Walk Home
 Remember the Creeperican? well he’s back….
After a while I barely talked to him… we were Apt mates and i may have said 2 words to him a day.. but one day I guess he got desperate and needed a ride to Wal Mart… I was in a good mood so i was like OK.. don’t talk to me and i’ll give you a ride…. so once I was in wal mart I was making groceries and I was going to the electronic section and he called me over to the Pet section… and he stood in front of a tank and moved and was like LOOK AT IT!!
it was a frog…
I ain’t ashamed to say… YES i am afraid of frogs…. those fuckers are creepy, they make my skin crawl, they ugly as sin… and the ONLY reason i don’t hope they all burn in hell is because frog legs are effin delicious… back to the story..
I jumped back and walked away “chill out man that ain’t cool”
“dude stop being such a p***y” (i hate that word in that context) in front of south america’s finest Orlando Wal Mart Shoppers…
 i stared at this bastard for a good 30 secs….
i reserved the right to drown his ass…
i needed to avoid that nigga moment, couldn’t have that on my resume…
So i checked out and went to the parking lot.. he runs and catches me outside..
“Dude you almost left me”
“that’s the plan muhfugga”
“oh you know why”
“dude i was joking”
“(-__-)…. idk where the hell you think you goin… but it look like you walking to my car”
“dude come on”
“you lucky i don’t fold you up in this parking lot”
*i start the car roll the window down*
“Disney bus’ll be over here soon you better gon over there and wait at the stop with the International Workers”
that’s the last time we spoke….. i regret nothing
5. Goon Disinfectant
 I went to Atlanta one year for a school conference.. after all the business was handled I had to mark something off of my bucket list…
Go to Magic City and lose all my morals…
So i took out an unknown amount of money and drank an unknown amount of alcohol and went over to this fine establishment… while there I was blessed with the news that  lapdances were $10 a piece…
*pulls out $50*
the stripper was kind enough to give me six dances.. what a nice gesture
so anyways… me and the peanut gallery bought an industrial size bottle of Red Ciroc and proceeded to go in…
while getting this dance, and already being intoxicated I go to sip my drink and at the same time this young lady’s ass bumps my cup and spills ciroc every where.. on my fresh ass cardigan, on her body ruining the Cucumber Melon Black and mild Baff & Bawdy Werkz…
then after the dance she turned, smiled and said “You’re the funniest one i’ve had.. and i’m not mad that you got alcohol in my *expletive* :]”
my drunk ass….. DRUUUNNNNKKKK ass
said the following:
“well boo…. it’s clean now”
Don’t judge me for what you just read… I promise i’m a nice guy… but we all have our moments..

One response

  1. Turrble

    November 14, 2013 at 1:02 PM

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