Touch That Link, Folk

How You Gon Pimp A Pimp?!

This past weekend I had the pleasure of being the Greatest Man at my cousin/brother Stevie Blunta’s wedding. Twas beautiful… But I wouldn’t be a good Greatest Man if i didn’t send Stevie out with a bang… we were in DC… so where else would you take a man on his last day of freedom??

Damn right we went to Shtadium..

for those who don’t know Shtadium is a very popular skrip club in DC and i’ve never been so i had to go and get my budgeted trick on….

Stevie is a religious man. we all are. but he’s a religious one woman man.. which is great, but he didn’t wanna go to the club… I was HURT..

His fiance kept telling him to go, she wanted him to go.. he wouldn’t go… So after the wedding rehearsal I devised a plan..

Me and the fellow groomsmen: Steven Q. Murkel, Cooley, Goliath, and Shimmy SupaFly Snuka, were gonna kidnap his ass…

Cooley is my homie, my ride or die.. i love him to death… but he can be a bit air headed at times… bless his heart…

I grabbed stevie and threw him in my backseat and leaned against the door… I called Cooley and gave him a simple order..

Me: Aye! I got him! go to the other side and block the door.
Cooley: Block YOUR door?
Me:yea so he can’t get out
Cooley:oh…. what?? ight…

*stevie gets out the other side of the car*

Cooley: yo i think he’s gettin out..

*epic facepalm*

So Goliath pulls his Caprice up and we tried this again.. wrapped his ass up and threw him in the back and took off…

we were broke so we had to go to the bank first..

Murkel is HYYYPPPEEE cause he’s never been to a strip club.. he’s 27 has 2 degrees but he can be fairly awkward  but that’s my boy…

we get to stadium and Goliath pays $20 to get his car valeted I parked on the street..

we waiting outside and the bouncer looks at Murkel and tells him, “I can’t let you in with those sweatpants..”

damn…..

Cooley had on a t shirt and shorts so I asked if he could get in he said yea but he gonna charge him more.. cool.. a couple extra dollars i gotchu…

so we had to work on Murkel…

Goliath goes to his car and miraculously finds a pair of slacks that were balled up in his gym bag… Murkel puts em on and Channels Kriss Kross…

we get patted down and we’re in the got damn Stadium.. beautiful hoodrats everywhere.. moving gracefully down the pole… let’s call em hoodgazelles

the bouncer looks at Goliath and charged him 40 for not having a collared shirt

dude looked at me and said “you got boots on… $60… and $60 for ya boy too(Cooley) i could’ve charged him $80”

I was HURT… mainly cause i told Cooley that i’d look out for him before we got there…

so i dropped $120 before i could even tip these gazelles…

I finally get in and i’m amazed… i see no C section scars, no child burf stomach, no bullet wounds.. No struggle at all… did see alot of silicone tho…

I’m working in my head how i can tip accordingly and get my drink on cause i saw Snuka with a drink in his hand…

I get to the bar and paid $11 for a heineken… so i made that ONE bottle last the whole night.. taking the smallest of sips..

Snuka paid damn near $20 for a tequila sunrise…

Goliath came up to me and said “you wanna go half on a table dance for Stevie? They’re 20 a song”

yea i can do that let’s get him 3 songs..

so 2 skrippers came over, Jennifer Maniston, and Mary J Fried..

they said “ya’ll gotta make it rain so we work harder for ya boy”

so we tipping and i’m lookin at Jen… and i say to myself “she sure does have a skrong ass face”but it’s dark, i ignore it,  i’m still tipping so my boy can enjoy himself..

Murkel is with Mary J having the time of his LIFE.. her titties knocked his glasses of his nose and he ain’t even notice….

then Goliath is dropping singles one by one and he’s saying

“work”
“twerk”
“Get it”
“this b*tch is a man”

money stopped..

like i said It was dark and the strobe lights were somehow avoiding her…

then the light hit just right and her face was indeed a lil sir-ish…

I was staring at her to make sure Stevie and gettin a dance from a tranny..

then she said:

“baby if you keep on staring i’ma make you lick it”

*my jaw dropped*

“b*tch you MIGHT be a boy i ain’t puttin my mouth no where”

now i’m done…

the bouncer told us if stevie doesn’t get up he’s gonna charge him for another song…

i tried to make his ass get up and Maniston said “he can’t get up until the song is over”

i’m gettin pimped…

then me and Goliath tried to give the dude the $60 and he said that since the strippers touched all of us we each gotta pay $20…

I’m gettin pimped harder….

there were 6 of us so you do the math…

after we pay we each have $5 left and we plan on spending wisely…

Murkel found him a red bone and POSTED RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER…

he did not move…

the man upstairs could’ve told him that he was collecting him for the rapture and he still would not have moved…

We all decided that we have been pimped hard enough so we were gonna leave..

I go up to Murkel and i tell him that we’re about to leave..

here’s what killed me..

you know what he said?

*never breaking eye contact from the stripper*

“Ight man i’ll catch up with ya’ll later ya’ll take it easy”

this….nigga…has…no…drivers license….
he has no money for a cab…
dafuq did he expect was gonna happen?! the redbone was gonna get off stage and give him a ride home?….

we had to drag his ass outta there…

I honestly felt like crying… Stevie thinks it is hilarious..

“I told ya’ll I wanted to go to Olive Garden… that’s what ya’ll get”

the Moral of this story is: look past the struggle, the scars, and wounds and go visit your local run down strip club… they are way more humble AND they appreciate your support…

until next time..

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