Touch That Link, Folk

Every Night At 11:11pm I Wish A Nigga Would…

During my last semester of undergrad I was so wrapped up in finishing my last few major classes I had no social life outside of my major… So my best friends on campus were in my major cause those were the same niggas i see everyday, but even if we weren’t in the same major we’d still be close cause we had some epic ass adventures.

This one adventure was probably the realest shit i’ve ever experienced.

Lemme introduce my fellow culinary goons tho:

Billy Pistol- 6’3 370 sumthing just a big ass nigga… my fellow country bruh from west bubbafuck VA. If I got in trouble in class it was probably because me and him were clowning on someone..

John TrAssaultya-  my homie from B-more built like ray lewis, which should intimidate you but his steve madden shoes can’t let him… be honest.. would you be scared of a nigga in steve maddens??

anyways, this one particular night we were in the lovely city of Peedabug after class and we were in a bad I wish a nigga would mood because we were working on a group project together and the professor kept screwin with us. so we decided to take a drive out to Richmond, go to the mall and blow off some steam.

we stopped by John’s crib to drink a couple brews before we left. I walked outside because I left something in Billy’s truck.. it’s dark out and we’re in Petersburg VA… google it if you need too.. anyways I’m climbing my short ass in the truck and when i get what i turn around and i’m face to face with this crackhead couple…

they were probably a combined weight of 94lbs and a total of 8 teef all together…

homie had on a Houston Oilers windbreaker and was using a necktie as a belt.. let’s call him Kirk Stanklin.. and his girl, Grease Witherspoon had on a St. Pauls hoody and some of those skretch pants that just said “OOT” on the back of em.

Kirk: Look here big man, i don’t want any problems and I don’t wanna handle you just gimme your wallet
Grease: you tell him baby
K: shut up bitch i’m working
Me: huh??
i’m staring him down to see what he was holding under his jacket I couldn’t tell but i know it wasn’t a gun.. crackheads can’t afford em..
K: gimme your wallet nigga and i won’t hurt you.. don’t play dumb big man.
G: Show em what you got boo he hard headed…

you won’t believe what he had… but i’ll give you a chance to guess……

what’d you guess??

you were probably wrong..

this nigga had the nerve to try to rob me with a frozen bottle of water…the distilled bottles you get from the grocery store…

I immediately laughed like a muhfugga..

K: keep laughin i’ma grudgeon ya big ass with this hard sumbitch
Me: grudgeon?? (bludgeon)

meanwhile John seen the lovely couple standing in front of me and he’s sneaking over to where I was

and i’m studying my exit strategy I figured since he weigh about 49lbs as soon as he cocks that bottle back it’s gonna throw him off balance, swing on his ass and then kick the shit outta his girl cause i can’t punch a female…(i wouldn’t kick one either… just her)

so John is standing behind em and neither of them noticed so he yanked the bottle out Kirks hand and scurred the shit outta Grease cause her crackhead speed kicked in and she TOOK OFF!

Kirk Turned around, “OH GEESHUSH!!”

I grabbed him and hemmed his ass up against the truck..

Billy FINALLY came out and he ain’t ask what happened… showed no concern for me at all… first thing he said was: “NIGGA IF YOU DON’T GET THAT SCRAWNY BITCH OFF MY TRUCK”

…. thanks Billy….

So i got his ass pinned against the truck and we tryna figure out what to do… so Billy grabbed his gun that he ALWAYS has on him cause he wants street cred… that gun was emptier than Kirks mouf… he sold his bullets for school books… ambitious goon problems…

So after we had a meeting of the minds we decided to take him with us to Richmond….

threw his ass in the back, had John sit back there with him to make sure he ain’t jump stupid… when he got in this nigga actually asked for his bottle back… i kept pourin it out the window as it thawed… just to piss him off and waste his hard work… cause it had to be difficult for a homeless crackhead to freeze something…

“Where ya’ll cobbler eatin niggas takin me?!”

“shutcho stankin ass up and ride, shoulda left me alone…. you in our hands now…”

“look big man… i’m sorry bout that stuff in the past let’s get our asses a clean slate”

the past?! nigga… it was just 10 minutes ago…

“man i ain’t mean to, Christmas coming up i’m just tryna look out for my kids(it was definitely the middle of February)

then we just riding… it’s quiet..

Kirk: you boys been keeping up wit da football?
Me: omg DAFUQUP before i beat you with your own bottle….
Kirk: just don’t kill me big man, i swear i’m sorry, i ain’t gon try to rob you no mo..
Me: Nigga HUSH *turns around and cocks back to hit him with the bottle*
he jumped in fear and i actually felt bad…. cause i’m only 25% about that life…

we finally made it to Richmond, which is about 40 miles from where we got Kirk..

put his ass out at Church’s Chicken and left him with some words of encouragement…

“if you ever make it back to the burg and I see yo ass with another bottle of water i’m running you the f*ck over”

*pulls off*

True Story…. probably.. (i don’t know the statute of limitations for kidnapping… I can’t afford legal troubles)

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One response

  1. Brit

    Lls smdh

    February 3, 2013 at 2:30 AM

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