Black Mischievious Leprechauns

I got a homie who is a musical prodigy, Johann Sebastian Flach-uh  ( he has gigs all over the place and I roll with him from time to time… Well I ain’t been invited to one since this went down (nigguh) but anyways this particular gig was in Charlottesville. Me and my other homie, Timbaglands ( tagged along to listen, support, and get trashed to oblivion because it was St. Patricks day and I have 4 freckles so I’m an honorary Irish.

Anywho we were drinking in this courtyard  outside and we hear Back That Thang Up.. and that was like shining the got damn Batman signal in the sky cause me and Timbaglands were on a mission to find out where it was coming from.

We wind up at this bar with a bunch of intoxicated off beat white women dancing on table tops… the music was pretty misleading but I remembered it was Charlottesville on 3/Semteen so I ain’t tripping.

Luckily, Me and Timbaglands see two black girls that don’t have white boys diddy boppin round em so we had to take that opportunity. Timbaglands starts talking to Jada Blinkett-Width (Thick girl with a lazy eye, she was pretty tho) Leaving me with Nia Wrong…. at first sight it looks like she barely old enough to get into a bar but I ain’t see no marks on her hand (the judge’ll believe that) so it’s cool. She invited me to sit down and talk with her cause she was tired of dealing with those chalk colored folk. After a while Timbaglands texts me and says: Jada says Nia is diggin you… buy her a drink.. I offered to buy her some girly shit like a  Hennessey-tini.

NW:”Ooohh thanks but… I shouldn’t… I gotta get home to my babies soon”

Me: Oh you have kids? How many?

NW: Five

Me: O__O…. *in my head* Damn, that’s a litter *end* how old are they???

NW: 14,13,11,10,8

Me: O__O… *in my head* Damn, no days off huh *end* how old are YOU?!

NW: I’m 31

Me: Really? cause you look 19..

NW: I get that alot

Anywho… She decided to go home to her R&B group cause they missed mommy, so me and Timbaglands headed back over to Flach-uh’s gig.

We went to the upstairs part of the bar he was playing and this drunk toofless muhfugga Gross Def stumbles up to me “Wathup Big Mayne, Merry Thaint Patrick’th Day” *puts clover sticker on me* *walks away*

Da-actual-fuq just occured??

I shrug it off… Then I’m approached by Victoria Flexham.. we chatting and find out that we once lived in the same area and she get’s way too excited and buys me a beer so we can toast to random shit including her not getting evicted.

While we’re talking I look over and see Simon Scowell in the cut grittin on me… He walks over looks me up and down, looks at Flexham and says “I’m ready to go”

Flexham: Well I’m not.. I’m not done talking to Teddy.. We’re from the same area!!!
Scowell: I. Don’t. Give. A. FUCK!


Scowell: *storms off*

So Gross Def comes back and keeps huggin me… like the nigga wouldn’t stop.. it creeped me the hell out…

GD: Yo what’s yo name Mayne?

Me: Cedric…

GD: Oh like the Entertainer?!

Me: *points bofe fingers* Exactly! You a smart fella my nigga

GD: *hugs*

Me: ight nigga i’m gettin uncomfortable *walks away*

Later on and 15 more beers tearing away at Gross’ liver, he finds me in the bar and he’s like:

GD: Aye Ced… Lemme holla at you! Now… I’m a lil.. uhh… a lil inbrebriated

Me: cause that’s a word

GD: Ha you funny… Forreal bruh.. I rode my bicycle here… so if i can put it in your car and you take me home I’ll wake my bitch up and get her to cook something… But… I Love Jesus…

Me: O__o….. I ain’t drive here but I’ll see what I can do

That’s my cue… Flach-uh finished his gig and got the car packed up so I have no reason to be there anymore.

I’m getting ready to leave.. I don’t see Gross Def at all so i’m in the clear.


GD: Aye Ced you leaving??

Me: yea man i’m out nice to meet u tho

GD: what about my ride man?

Me: Aahhh I can’t get you today.. but TOMORROW, MY NIGGA…. TOMORROW I GOTCHU! (cause he was so drunk it made sense)

GD: Ight man.. *pulls out Jitterbug ass phone* put ya number in my phone

Me: ight.. 281-330-8004… hit me up on the low

5 minutes later i’m walking down the stairs and Gross Sprints down with a pool stick in hand stands in front of me with his arms out like an ole Gandalf You Shall Not Pass Ass Nigga..


Me: nigga… i gave it to you


Me: Ain’t gon be much more of that yellin shit.. You set it down on the damn counter before you went to play pool nigga

GD: Go get it…

Me: nigga….no

GD: Please??

Me: *piiiiiiiissssseeeddd*

I walked to the same spot I told him and slammed that strong ass Jitterbug on the table in front of him.

GD:”Oh thank you man, i worked hard for this phone mayne” *hugs*

Me: Dafuq off me nigga *violently shrugs shoulder to get him off* *walks away*


I turn around and this nigga is laid out on the floor..


*music cuts off* *AWL eyes on me*

Random White Whispers: Did u see that? He just hit him.. Knocked him out… damn he’s out cold

Me: *stutterin* Ma-Man I swear I ain’t hit dat nigga..

Scowell: YES HE DID!! I SAW THE WHOLE THING!! He hit a defenseless guy with one leg.

Me: I AIN’T HIT HIM!! Hol up… what u mean one leg?!

I look at him and I see that while he’s laid out in chalk outline formation one leg is Significantly longer than the other one. Some drunk gray hair incest lady comes up and pulls the leg out his pant leg.

Me: O___O *teary eyed* I ain’t know he had one leg I swear i didn’t!

Incest Lady: It’s noticeable as hell YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING!!

Scowell: don’t worry I’ll call the police

Me: You mean to tell me that I’m sposed to notice that the dancin muhfucka who RAN down the steps to accuse me of stealing his shit had one le- wait why you callin the police?

Scowell: You ASSAULTED this man!!

*dust clouds*

*running down the steps to get outside*

Me: Flach-uh! Timbaglands! WE OOOOOOUUUUUTTTTTT *voice fades cause I’m running away* MEET ME AT THE CAR!

This was 2 years ago… I ain’t been nowhere NEAR Charlottesville since…

True story….. except the part about the leg… :]

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